Compartmentalization
I am NOT going to say that women like sex less than men or men like sex more than women. I don’t really believe that’s true. I do believe, however, that women have some sort of skill that allows them she put sex in the back of their mind for a while. they’re able to “ compartmentalize” sex, if you will. Whereas men, if they want it, it’s way more difficult for them to set the need aside than it is for women.
Ever hear of the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti? If you’ve never read it, that’s ok. Neither have I. Basically, it says that women’s thought processes tend to be interwoven with many other thoughts and feelings where as men have the ability to compartmentalize their thoughts, memories, and feelings. This is often why we perceive them as insensitive. But in the case of sex, I believe these roles reversed. If something comes up in our lives that we, as women, deem more important than sex in that moment, we can easily set it aside and come back to it later when it’s a better time.
And as women, we can feel so needed all the time! There are so many days when I feel stretched out in 1000 different directions. My son needs me, my husband needs me, my work needs me, my blog needs me, my friends need me. And now my husband wants sex? “I’m sorry, not a good time. Go find something else to do until I’m less stressed.”
The reality is, though, that our husband’s can many times take this as rejection and can sometimes even get to the point where they stop asking all together! And I know that that’s really not what we want at all! So guys, if you’re feeling the burn of day to day life and have been putting of the sexy time with your spouse, get to it! Don’t wait until he asks, try to surprise him! He will feel like the luckiest man in the world!
Embarrassment
Last year Josh and I made some major changes to our eating habits and, well, to be honest, you can tell! I’m the smallest I’ve been in my life. Given, I used to eat portions bigger than a grown man’s on a regular basis. Since eating the amount that someone “me-sized” should eat, I’ve shed a bunch of weight. Even so, I STILL get insecure in the bedroom. I’m probably not the only one out there that feels as though they can’t really relax and enjoy sex unless the lights are dimmed or out completely.
Many of us, men and women alike, have pictures in our minds of what good sex should look like. You know, both participants are gorgeous. The sheets are silky. And sex is a steamy flow of events where nothing awkward or weird happens and the woman- especially the woman- is extremely confident and sexy in everything she does.
Well… I don’t think I need to tell you that a real sexual relationship isn’t always like that. Yeah, it’s totally possible for husbands and wives to be confident and comfortable and have fun! But insecurities are usually lurking around the corner and they can jump out at you when you least expect it!
If you feel like I’m speaking to you here, I want to tell you that your husband wants to be intimate with you! Also, he probably (hopefully) doesn’t get to see a lot of naked women, so don’t hold yourself back from him! Take the time to do what helps you feel more confident in the bedroom, brush your teeth, spray some perfume, whatever will help take your mind off any insecurities you may have and allow yourself to be free and have fun with your husband.
Not feeling “the mood”
In my first point I talked about how we can feel pulled in so many directions and feel needed by everyone. Well, that can be pretty exhausting. I have a part-time office job which I come home from around 1 or 2 pm. And then the day is just beginning! Never mind stealing away with my husband to the bedroom for a while; I have a toddler to feed, errands to run, phone calls to make, and a nap to take! And I am usually in no mood to give up my nap! (I am so thankful that our toddler takes a 2 hour afternoon nap. We are truly very lucky).
The problem with this is, most of the time I actually do have a few minutes to spare if my husband is asking for them. My mind is just “not in the game” if you will. My mind is with my toddler or at work or in my phone. Not in the bedroom. Many women, like myself, cannot simply snap into feeling sexy. We need to be wooed. Like, do the dishes, tell me I’m pretty, and then we’ll talk. And that’s totally ok! Just make sure that that’s communicated to your husband. If it means getting a willing wife into the bedroom, he’ll most likely go the extra mile to get you there.
Holding on to grudges
So, say yesterday your husband was kind of a jerk. It can happen, right? Or maybe you’ve asked him to do something for you 100000 times, he still hasn’t done it, and now he’s asking for sex. Your mind immediately says (or maybe your mouth does), “Ummm, hold on a minute here. You want what?? Oh, well I wanted something too. And I didn’t get it. So… sorry! Better luck next time…”
It pretty much goes against everything in our being to allow ourselves to have sex with our husbands when we’re feeling hurt, let alone actually enjoy it. Please keep in mind that I in no way advocate making yourself vulnerable in an abusive situation, if that is you reading this today, then it is better to withhold yourself, if possible, until your husband seeks forgiveness and godly counseling. However, if your husband falls in the much wider category of common imperfection, and now and then natural selfishness, do your best to show him grace. Confront him, be honest with him, but always show forgiveness and grace even if you don’t feel like it. Even when it hurts your pride.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5:
“Do not deprive one another sexually- except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
God designed sex in marriage to be a gift of intimacy with your husband that illustrates how Christ and the Church (Christians) are unified as one once we are forgiven and shown grace and receive His spirit. When your husband needs extra grace from you in his life, yes, call him to make changes so that he, himself, can become more like Christ. But in the meantime, show grace and humility towards your husband and act how you wish he would act towards you. In those hard times think of sex as an unconditional act of love and a way in which you can show Christ’s love towards him, even if he didn’t earn it.
So wives out there, tell me- a PG-ish way- what helps you get over resentment for sex and into the mood? Have any stories of how you’ve had to deal with this in your own life? Share in the comments below and don’t forget to share on Pinterest and Twitter!
Love you all!
Rachel
Being pulled in so many directions can definitely put a damper on things, I agree! Interesting insights on the topic!
Adaleta
This is SUCH a great post & explains it to a tee! xx adaatude.com
Katie {Always, Katie}
I’m always kind of confused by posts like this… I don’t think I’ve ever put it off or resented it or anything… I’m pretty much always up for it! Seems like I must be the odd one out… I tend not to fit that “feminine” role. I do agree that embarrassment is a factor, though… sometimes I have a hard time getting the “but I’m icky and my post-baby belly is weird…” out of the back of my mind.
Annie
I’m with you, Katie! I’ve never turned it down! lol
Grace
I’ve never turned it down either.
Natasha
YUP! But my husband fits a lot of these “No thanks” categories, so it helps me know him a little better.
Catherine
I LOVE that you wrote about this. 1) It helps to remind me that it’s an issue in most marriages and not just my own. 2) Nobody is willing to talk about marital “problems” which makes even the smallest issues seem larger. Your blog has already addressed two things that my husband and I have experienced at some point in our marriage.
I love your blog Chelsea!
Ps. I will say that my husband has expressed his side of things on this issue. He explained that if he is failing in an area of his life (work, body issues, and all other aspects that contribute to the male ego), that being “rejected” for sex really hurts him. I think it’s important for us as wives to remember that beyond that sports obsessed-middle school joking-brain of theirs, they have deep emotions and our “maybe later” or “not tonight” comments actually hurt more than we realize at the time. I try to think of that whenever I am heading to bed at night. I almost ask myself if the stress I’m dealing with is bigger or more important than the effects of hurting my husband. And to be honest, sometimes a good time between the sheets helps me de-stress! 🙂
Natalia
I completely agree and can relate to your comment!
Jill
Very well said! I need to remember this.
Kalyn
I think this goes for both men and women. There have been evenings when HE’S said “not tonight” after a 10 hour day at work plus evening chores…and your right, it does hurt! But it’s also helped me to realize how he feels when I say “maybe later” just because I’m reading a good book or something insignificant. I think that communication is the biggest aspect – if we communicate the WHY behind our unwillingness then he will have an easier time understanding and we can work together to come up with a solution. Like you said, when it comes to sex, men are usually willing to put in a little more effort if they know it will get them to the finish line!
R c lamb
All of these comments are great, but you forgot another aspect. Physical pain. After going through menopause and breast cancer it physically hurts to have intercourse. Yes. I know this is VERY important to my husband. It’s a very tough topic for us…
Rusty
having g been through a terrible court case, through no fault of our own, its killed sex in my house. I had lost 45 pounds and was actually pretty comfortable with my body. I went from a size 16 to an 8. Very confident I was. But the big “M” didn’t help any either. so i ballooned beyond control. Sex, i hate it. can’t stand the thought of it. Spend most of my nights alone until he comes to watch the news. many times i just rollover and go to bed. it’s a terrible thing and I am so close to getting professional help. Also sex is a needed function for men, for their health. It helps their prostate. So now since reading this recently i’ve become very gulity. What if my husband get prostate cancer? It will be my fault! More guilt, more self resentment, such an evil situation I fell I’m living. Thank you for this article.. it was an awesome read.
Eileen
Please get counseling. It works. God bless.
Grace
Please see a certified sex therapist. They can help you!!!
Maria
I read these comments and think Oh my I’m really out of the norm. You see I’ve been married for 33 years (I’m 52 by the way) so I married young had 3 beautiful children (all married and out of the house) work full time and I’m ALWAYS willing, contrary to my husband, I think I’ve said No 5 or 6 times in the 33 years! My husband is a wonderful man but he’s always tired..I think we’re intimate twice a month! And he’s a God fearing man so I know he’s not getting it else where but I want it more.at first I would be hurt or even cry myself to sleep, now I’m thankful to get it when I can. Just try to keep myself busier than ever. And yes I’m not the size 3 I was when we got married but I try not to think so much about it and ALWAYS try to look my best in and out of the bedroom. Am I really out of normal or are there more ladies like me out there?
Debbie
I can sympathize with you because my marriage is the same. Except my husband isn’t tired, he just doesn’t want to. I have even asked several Doctors about this and they say it isn’t normal for a man, I have tried talking to him about it, but it doesn’t help. What I am tired about hearing is how they have hurt feelings if we don’t meet their needs, but it is never discussed about women’s needs. We are always told that we need to make them happy, but the point is missed, if a man takes care of his wife and makes her feel loved and shows her love, she will return that love. Scripture tells men to love their wives but it never tells wives to love their husband! It’s because women will always return love when it is given to them.
Grace
I’m in the same boat as you Maria. It bothers me that my husband doesn’t want sex. He is also a God fearing man , he spends a lot of time reading and praying. I know he loves me. He helps a lot around the house , is a great father. Sex has started becoming once a month almost!
We’ve only been married 9 yrs. He is a hard worker. His job involves a lot of physical work so he’s always tired. I don’t know what to do.
Jennifer
Maria, your husband needs to have his testosterone levels checked. My husband had that problem for several years (he’s only 38 now), and his was so low they were amazed we had kids!
My libido is almost dead since the birth of our twins almost 2 years ago. I put it off for as long as I can, and then give in just before he gets furious about it (short fuse, not abusive). I know some of it is just not being happy with my body, but I have no one to blame but myself. For years, I was the one who wanted sex, but I was understanding that he just wasn’t in the mood. Now that it’s reversed, he is not nearly as understanding. It makes me more resentful. It’s a vicious cycle that I fight against constantly. Giving in all the time to show him grace sometimes fuels the resentment.
Hannah
With a 3 year old, 2 year old, and a 9 month old, (not to mention a small handmade business) I feel too busy and stressed to even consider sex. We rarely have it anymore. It hurts because when we “get around to it”, it’s always rushed and my husband always falls asleep afterwards, leaving me to feel helpless and used. Hate to put it that way, but sex to him is a de-stresser and not really an act of love. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he gets angry when I point out what hurts our intimate time. Foreplay is a big deal to me but not him. I can never get in the “mood” so I just do it for him.
Also…another problem is I absolutely abhor my body. After 3 children, I’m 65 lbs heavier than I was when we were first married. I used to run 5ks and now I rarely leave the house. Breastfeeding has taken a huge toll on my breasts as well. So I look like a huge pile of cellulite with no breasts to speak of. He will only have sex with me when the lights are turned down low and I know why. I do not feel sexy. Period. Sorry for the TMI guys, but I have no one else to talk to and it’s frustrating. Most night leave me crying these days.
Ashley cox
I know how u feel about your body. I have a 21 month old and a fixing to be 16 year old. When my youngest was born, I came down with Bell’s palsy and had gained 60 lbs weighing over 200 at 5 feet tall! My face did not heal quickly and still hasn’t completely almost 2 years later. Everything sagged including one side of my face. I cried and cried and hated myself and was praying one day when all of the sudden it was like God spoke to me and said “Why don’t u ask me and believe I can change anything?” So I began to speak in the mirror everyday that God I may not see changes yet but I’m Expecting to! I know You are working little by little from Glory to Glory. I began to spend time praying and reading my bible and learning how to speak Gods word over me and my husband. I fasted and prayed and made a list of what I wanted to change and my desire to get in shape, lose weight, look good again and my marriage to be restored. My husband closer to the Lord. God says be specific in what u ask for and keep asking! And believing u will receive and u will! Here’s a few scriptures I learned. Romans 8:28, Matthew 17:20, Isaiah 53:5 John 10:10, Matthew 7:7. As soon as I made my mind up to believe that God wd move…EVERYTHING began to change! Yes I faced opposition and times of feeling sad But I didn’t let it last or control me any longer! I prayed and pushed harder for my goal. I can now say I’m losing weight. 150 now, my face has began to look better more and more daily since then, my husband has began to seek God more and I seen Gods hand on Everything! He will move for u! I promise u! He’s never failed me! He won’t u! Ask Him to give u the desire to hope, to believe, to excersize, to be motivated. He will come to your aid! Oh, and I also had chronic back and neck pain and steel rods in my back that made excersize painful and excruciating BUT GOD has kept me from hurting this time! He’s all sufficient, He’s all u need! I dare u to trust Him and Move and PUSH! Which means Pray Until Something Happens! The. Keep praying and believing!
Sarah
Wish I could hang out with you to offer friendship and support. You can e-mail me, if you want! sweetbeepocatello@gmail.com
Moana
You are raising 3 humans beings… You’re a ROCKSTAR!!
JC
Hannah, I completely can relate to your situation and the pain you are feeling. I can tell you that I have committed myself to changing my situation by first working on myself, understanding why I am in such a dark rut. Be present with your kids, every moment be thankful you are raising them and enjoy the love back. Secondly, every day through out the day, list a few positive things you are grateful for. Thirdly, FORCE yourself to leave the house…get out of my sweat pants, put some makeup on and parfume!!!
After a few weeks of this routine, 21 days to create a habit, start your relationship with your husband as if you were dating….make something special for him to eat, buy him new undies…I am serious these small gestures are showcasing your selflessness and willingness to commit to improvement. Some may state, pleasing HIM isn’t the way, however once anyone is shown special and consistNt positive attention they WILL relax, break down walls and in return be open, trusting, to talk.
Your goal is for him to openly, without anger, talk to resolve issues. This can only be done if the individual feels safe and loved.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Think about the accomplishments you have made in your life. There is always much worse..you know that !!!!!
Whitney Maness
Chelsea, I love your blog entry. This topic makes so much sense and I discussed this with my other half. We, too, have a toddler, and often times when he wants to have sex, our little one is up and running around, and although he wants it THEN, I have to kindly insist we wait until the time is appropriate! Cannot have our toddler seeing things meant for private! So I can totally relate to being able to compartmentalize sex….
Also, I have told myself I was not going to give in to having sex (withholding) with my man when he has done or said certain hurtful things. But I never do, because not only am I kidding myself, but I don’t want to withhold such a passionate act of love we share just because I am being resentful. I often have to just address what hurtful thing happened, argue until a resolution and/or apology is met, then resume our love making. After all, if I withhold sex from him, I am harming myself in the process. I enjoy it with him So much (obviously), and do not want to punish him or me.
Enjoyed this blog!!
Anonymous
When my son was almost 2 weeks old, my husband confessed that he had been unfaithful to me while I was pregnant. It was the hardest, most devastating time of my life. I didn’t know how I could remotely have sex with him again. But I felt the Lord telling me that I need to do this for my husband’s sake and for our marriage, and I needed to do it now! I didn’t know if it would even be physically possible with a 2 week old! I checked online to make sure I wasn’t crazy and decided I wasn’t. The Lord worked a miracle for me and while it was very hard emotionally, it was pain free physically…I was blown away! And it was the beginning of much healing and forgiveness…God is so good and is in the business of restoring marriages if we are willing and obey His leading.
Randi
I am in my 50s, post menopausal, two adult children, married (to the same man) for 35 years. First of all, sex in a marriage goes through many stages. At first of course it is pretty nice, it’s new and exciting, hormones are high, body image is good, no kids etc. Then the kids come and you are tired and dealing with jobs and the body might not be looking as good. During this time, husband’s hormones are usually still high and the woman’s are all over the place. Then the kids grow up and leave home and it gets a little better for a while til menopause sets in. It is a physiologic fact that women do not “enjoy” sex like men do. Now what I mean is our hormones and anatomy do not allow it sometimes. Men’s hormones pretty much stay steady…almost always in the mood. Women’s hormones can change daily. Also, sex is never painful for a healthy man. We women have many reasons sex can be painful. Also, because of our anatomy, it is much more difficult for a woman to have an orgasm. And… one thing people don’t want to admit is 90% of the time, sex is just that..SEX (not making love) for a man. Like one person said, it is a release for them, a stress reducer etc. Anyone that says that every time they have intimate relations they are “making love” is not being honest. When a man doesnt want to go to a movie with you, or help you in the kitchen or take the time to just chat with you but then later that night “needs” to be close to you by “making love”…..hmmm where was the love earlier?? It can be frustrating that we women are supposed to please our husbands with sex when they want it because sex is a crucial part of a marriage. But to us women so is having our husbands helping us out, talking to us and being together doing other things that WE enjoy. Sex has been and will always (at times) be a source of frustration in a marriage. I know a lot of women and 99% of them say they can take it or leave it. (now remember, I am talking about women who have been married for a while) I know women who were married for years and hated sex then became widowed and are now dating and think sex is amazing again. hmmm Basically what I am trying to say is sex in a marriage will always have its up and downs….literally. 🙂
Katie Markiewicz
I fully agree with you Chelsea on the above matter. I was married and am now divorced because of the differences in our lack of a sex life. I felt resentful of him having taken a job 3 states away and leaving me in the home that he just had to buy since he was convinced that it would make him more of a man to own a home. I in turn hated this home. I was also working full time at a job that I hated…it was not a great time in either of our lives together. He started on psych meds and was afraid to tell me. I had been on psych meds since I was 20 years old. Needless to say, we were married and then slowly got divorced. I was horrifically guilty of feeling like I was the one who wanted the sex all the time. He didn’t feel the same. Which is what lead to the divorce. Not a good time in my life for sure. Also not a good time in his. He was fired from his job 2 days after we got divorced. I laughed. He of course got a new job with two guys that he had worked with before. He now still owns the home that I hated and has an apartment in NJ too. I keep moving up and looking for my next marriage partner. Just know that I understand where everyone is coming from in this post.
Marie
I am always so impressed with your martial maturity Chelsea. You are on the road to a long and prosperous marriage. I’m in my 22nd year of a great marriage to my best friend. I was fortunate to marry a man who is open to talking about everything. He is the reason we opened up so early in out relationship to discuss issues. The thing I learned is that no matter how strong and confident your man may be, he needs to feel that love at home and most men equate live to sex. When my husband was out if work. I have him more personal attention; even when I didn’t want to. It builds a man’s confidence. A confident man, who feels loved and wanted at home will go to bat for his family.
Lisa
Ok ladies! Let’s share some tough love here! I’m married 24 yr. 5 children. I want to say first of all I dont “love” sex. I enjoy the orgasm but mostly I can take it or leave it. (just so y’all don’t think I am the exception here) So lets all be honest, sex isn’t about us women, it’s about our men. And I love my man! 😉 After 5 children 2 of which were C-S I have absolutely experienced every hormonal change possible..physical pain..life stress…worry…etc. And the hard fact is ANY excuse we use not to have sex is purely selfish. I’m hearing alot of me and i’s. I think we as women make too much out of sex. We want to “feel” like we do when we watch our favorite romance scene. Well this is real life. Our men need it. Not like it or love it…NEED it. You are the only wife they have! Your body is the only one they get to enjoy. Who cares if he is are imperfect. .so are we! And to be honest I love that I rock his world! We need to own that sisters! And physical pain may keep me from intercourse by it in no way keeps me from being able to please my man! Come on ladies!! Lets be real here…in less time than it takes me to talk my toddler into wearing matching shoes I can have my hubs smiling and willing to do anything I ask/need. Don’t believe it’ll change your man? Try taking the me out of the sex equation and take care of his needs unselfishly for a while. Not only that I think you’ll find you enjoy finding your inner goddess! 😉 Let her out and OWN it! It is a love act…an act of love that should have absolutely no selfishness involved. And godly love and relationships should never have a they did or didn’t so I will or wont scale. Let’s grow in the Lord and take special care of the one in our life that God put only second to Himself. Just as we are to be only second to God in his life. With only love to my fellow sisters in Christ out there! Go get your groove on!
Jennifer
Beautifully put. Thank you. Your maturity amazes me. I’m in my 40’s, married 19years. Never have I met anyone who is willing to articulate what is obviously so very normal. Thank you for your encouragement.
Know of any blogs equally as good for the hubs to read?
Rochelle
I have 3 kids, been married 25 years and have never had a strong sex drive whereas my husband has. The long and short is that I have always known that sex is very important to my husband but have wrestled with all of the reasons above to put off sex. At some points in our marriage (especially after the birth of a child and through their toddler years) our sex lives have been minimal to nonexistent. There are also periods of time when I have taken the initiative and have felt that he should be satisfied with the amount of sex we had and he still wasn’t. Finally I decided that we couldn’t go on this way. I sat down with my husband and point blank asked him how much sex per week was good for him. He said twice in a 7 day week. I negotiated for the choice of what days in the 7 day week and to opt out during my period week. Done.
I couldn’t believe it was that simple. Now we have the most healthy sexual relationship we have ever had. Knowing that we will make love twice a week helps me plan better, conserve my energy, and “rev up” before sex. (I don’t pen it into our calendar or anything) Now I never feel resentful of sex and enjoy the intimacy whether or not i’m in the mood. He knows that I will be receptive and now even initiate sex. Before, when he was physically loving I always equated it with wanting sex. Now I can enjoy physical intimacy much more when I feel there is no ulterior “sex” motive. On days when we don’t have sex just making out is so much more wonderful and intimate.
I don’t if this would be helpful for anyone else but wanted to share. Good Luck 🙂
Kristine
I been struggling with rejection from my husband, and does make it really hard for me to enjoy sex when He asks for it! Or even getting my self to have that time with him because I’m thinking now ‘ why have sex with someone just when he feels like it!??’ I mean, not that i don’t love my husband or that i don’t enjoy making love but it feels Like my needs and wants don’t matter! Because when i want to he doesn’t so I’m always waiting for him to come to me! This has affected me in so many ways! Like i can’t sleep at night because it makes me so sad to come to a bed where im being ignored and i feel I’m not even needed! I don’t have the courage to ask for things because I’m afraid of rejection! I some times feel something might be wrong with me for wanting thing more than him, because of the same reasons society makes us believe, that men are tge ones who want it all the time and thats all they think about! I feel bad for feeling i want it more than him! It’s frustrating really!
Cassie
I was totally into this blog until you started quoting the bible. Jesus has nothing to do with sex.
M
Does everyone here use contraception? We don’t and I think that’s why our sex life is so fulfilling. We are expecting our 5th, our oldest (twins) are 4 (almost 5) so I’m incredibly busy but we still have a really good sex life. Maybe it’s because we practice abstinence when I’m fertile if we don’t believe it’s a good time to have a baby, but we are always open to life. Chelsea- you also missed a huge biblical point that sex is procreative ALONG with unitive. I don’t know, maybe because my husband sees my body as more than a vessel for his pleasure I’m not self conscious or hold grudges against him. And God definitely blessed me with an amazing, godly man who would never guilt me into having sex with him TWO WEEKS after born AFTER he cheated on me during my pregnancy. Some of these comments are insane.
Chay'lea Marley
All of these are literally so true for me! So glad someone else gets it to and can put it into words!
Franchelle
I am 33 years old and was hardly ever in the mood.
Then I started reading the Crossfire Series of Sylvia Day, that changes everything. I told my sister about it and her sex life is also the best it ever been. After that series I started reading more Erotic Romances on Kindle and I was hooked. My husband loved the new change.
It might not be everyone’s cup a tea, but it worked for me.
Kay
This was very interesting for me. I’m not going to comment about my personal life, but would like to just mention the difference in anatomy has a huge effect on the psychology of sex. Sex to a man is a massage on the outside of his body, however it mskes him feel, so he can treat it like it’s just sex. However for a woman she has to allow the man inside her body, therefore she needs to feel safe with the man. It seems to me the men in our lives need to take that on board with the way they conduct their relationship with us outside the bedroom.