I am NOT going to say that women like sex less than men or men like sex more than women. I don’t really believe that’s true. I do believe, however, that women have some sort of skill that allows them she put sex in the back of their mind for a while. they’re able to “ compartmentalize” sex, if you will. Whereas men, if they want it, it’s way more difficult for them to set the need aside than it is for women.
Ever hear of the book Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti? If you’ve never read it, that’s ok. Neither have I. Basically, it says that women’s thought processes tend to be interwoven with many other thoughts and feelings where as men have the ability to compartmentalize their thoughts, memories, and feelings. This is often why we perceive them as insensitive. But in the case of sex, I believe these roles reversed. If something comes up in our lives that we, as women, deem more important than sex in that moment, we can easily set it aside and come back to it later when it’s a better time.
And as women, we can feel so needed all the time! There are so many days when I feel stretched out in 1000 different directions. My son needs me, my husband needs me, my work needs me, my blog needs me, my friends need me. And now my husband wants sex? “I’m sorry, not a good time. Go find something else to do until I’m less stressed.”
The reality is, though, that our husband’s can many times take this as rejection and can sometimes even get to the point where they stop asking all together! And I know that that’s really not what we want at all! So guys, if you’re feeling the burn of day to day life and have been putting of the sexy time with your spouse, get to it! Don’t wait until he asks, try to surprise him! He will feel like the luckiest man in the world!
Last year Josh and I made some major changes to our eating habits and, well, to be honest, you can tell! I’m the smallest I’ve been in my life. Given, I used to eat portions bigger than a grown man’s on a regular basis. Since eating the amount that someone “me-sized” should eat, I’ve shed a bunch of weight. Even so, I STILL get insecure in the bedroom. I’m probably not the only one out there that feels as though they can’t really relax and enjoy sex unless the lights are dimmed or out completely.
Many of us, men and women alike, have pictures in our minds of what good sex should look like. You know, both participants are gorgeous. The sheets are silky. And sex is a steamy flow of events where nothing awkward or weird happens and the woman- especially the woman- is extremely confident and sexy in everything she does.
Well… I don’t think I need to tell you that a real sexual relationship isn’t always like that. Yeah, it’s totally possible for husbands and wives to be confident and comfortable and have fun! But insecurities are usually lurking around the corner and they can jump out at you when you least expect it!
If you feel like I’m speaking to you here, I want to tell you that your husband wants to be intimate with you! Also, he probably (hopefully) doesn’t get to see a lot of naked women, so don’t hold yourself back from him! Take the time to do what helps you feel more confident in the bedroom, brush your teeth, spray some perfume, whatever will help take your mind off any insecurities you may have and allow yourself to be free and have fun with your husband.
Not feeling “the mood”
In my first point I talked about how we can feel pulled in so many directions and feel needed by everyone. Well, that can be pretty exhausting. I have a part-time office job which I come home from around 1 or 2 pm. And then the day is just beginning! Never mind stealing away with my husband to the bedroom for a while; I have a toddler to feed, errands to run, phone calls to make, and a nap to take! And I am usually in no mood to give up my nap! (I am so thankful that our toddler takes a 2 hour afternoon nap. We are truly very lucky).
The problem with this is, most of the time I actually do have a few minutes to spare if my husband is asking for them. My mind is just “not in the game” if you will. My mind is with my toddler or at work or in my phone. Not in the bedroom. Many women, like myself, cannot simply snap into feeling sexy. We need to be wooed. Like, do the dishes, tell me I’m pretty, and then we’ll talk. And that’s totally ok! Just make sure that that’s communicated to your husband. If it means getting a willing wife into the bedroom, he’ll most likely go the extra mile to get you there.
Holding on to grudges
So, say yesterday your husband was kind of a jerk. It can happen, right? Or maybe you’ve asked him to do something for you 100000 times, he still hasn’t done it, and now he’s asking for sex. Your mind immediately says (or maybe your mouth does), “Ummm, hold on a minute here. You want what?? Oh, well I wanted something too. And I didn’t get it. So… sorry! Better luck next time…”
It pretty much goes against everything in our being to allow ourselves to have sex with our husbands when we’re feeling hurt, let alone actually enjoy it. Please keep in mind that I in no way advocate making yourself vulnerable in an abusive situation, if that is you reading this today, then it is better to withhold yourself, if possible, until your husband seeks forgiveness and godly counseling. However, if your husband falls in the much wider category of common imperfection, and now and then natural selfishness, do your best to show him grace. Confront him, be honest with him, but always show forgiveness and grace even if you don’t feel like it. Even when it hurts your pride.
Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:5:
“Do not deprive one another sexually- except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
God designed sex in marriage to be a gift of intimacy with your husband that illustrates how Christ and the Church (Christians) are unified as one once we are forgiven and shown grace and receive His spirit. When your husband needs extra grace from you in his life, yes, call him to make changes so that he, himself, can become more like Christ. But in the meantime, show grace and humility towards your husband and act how you wish he would act towards you. In those hard times think of sex as an unconditional act of love and a way in which you can show Christ’s love towards him, even if he didn’t earn it.
So wives out there, tell me- a PG-ish way- what helps you get over resentment for sex and into the mood? Have any stories of how you’ve had to deal with this in your own life? Share in the comments below and don’t forget to share on Pinterest and Twitter!
Love you all!