Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁 Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁
So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 Love my littlest niece, Eva ❤️
Let's hash something out together: what's somethin Let's hash something out together: what's something you do or used to fight about in your marriage/relationship regularly?

Do you feel like the issue is/was pretty cut and dry? 

Or was there an underlying issue that bubbled up in different ways?

Curious to know your thoughts. 

When Josh and I were first married, we fought a lot. We were pretty low-income, didn't have great jobs, and had a wee baby. While our fights were often about the grocery list, the real issue was that we were SCARED. 

Scared of the adult life we had just stepped into. It was kind of like jumping into a puddle you don't think is that deep until after it's too late and now your socks are completely drowning 🚣🏼‍♀️ 

Luckily, though, they dry off over time, don't they?

After lots of learning and working really hard (both at our jobs and relationship) things started to ease up. We started to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and even though we weren't there yet, it gave up hope to carry on together ❤️
Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. O Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. Or if you can't leave the house, sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine. Make time to talk. And make it easier by doing things together. It's so so important ❤️
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Marriage, Relationships · May 9, 2017

5 things to do instead of having an argument with your husband in your head

I don’t know about your husband, but my husband is not always there to be a part of all the fights we have. Like, literally, he has no part in them. Because I’m so angry that I really don’t want to talk to him at the moment and have the fight that I’m having in my mind actually with him. These moments are where I’m able to come up with the best come backs (although he never actually said anything……) come up with the best pointed arguments, and honestly be a bit meaner than I ever would be in person. Safe to say that not a whole lot of good actually comes from these mental fights I have with him. So in an effort to avoid prolonging the anger I have for my husband in my mind, I do a few of these things I listed below:

I don’t know about your husband, but my husband is not always there to be a part of all the fights we have. Like, literally, he has no part in them. Because I’m so angry that I really don’t want to talk to him at the moment and have the fight that I’m having in my mind actually with him. These moments are where I’m able to come up with the best comebacks (although he never actually said anything……) come up with the best pointed arguments, and honestly be a bit meaner than I ever would be in person.

Safe to say that not a whole lot of good actually comes from these mental fights I have with him. So in an effort to avoid prolonging the anger I have for my husband in my mind, I do a few of these things I listed below:

1 | try to remember all the nice things he’s done recently

When I find myself running through the house picking up my husband’s shoes and socks along with the toys my 2-year-old left out, an inevitable one-sided mind-fight begins to break out: “Does anyone pick up after mommy? No. So why do I have to pick up after daddy??” And if I don’t watch it, that can go on for longer than I’d like to admit. Josh has literally caught me mumbling to myself during one of these mind-fights. That wasn’t embarrassing or anything.

But before these fights get out of hand, and before mental punches start getting thrown, I try to remind myself that I really don’t have it as bad as I’m thinking I do. I have to remember that- oh yeah- he did wash the dishes this morning. And last night he did get up to help get the 2-year-old get back in bed. That’s not to say that I’ll never bring the socks and sneakers issue up to him (see point #2) but I do have to remember that I am not a victim in my marriage and marriage is rarely a perfect 50/50. The sooner any spouse gets that out of their mind the better. As I say in much more detail in my post here, we married a real person, with flaws, and there will inevitably be times when we need to pick up their slack. If we can agree to do that without whining or holding it over their heads, we’ll find ourselves in a much happier marriage.

2 | Walk over to him and bring it up

Sometimes I’m a lot meaner in my mind than I am out loud. I know that’s not everyone. Sometimes the best thing- for me and my husband- is to walk away for a bit, chill out, and then when the initial anger has passed, bring it up. Personally, I know that I tend to hold onto things, build up a grudge, and let it ferment into bitterness before I bring it up. I can be like a lawyer building up evidence for my husband’s crimes against me instead of trying to nip the problem in the bud before it happens again. My poor husband. Over the course of our marriage, however, I’ve learned that he responds so much better when I address how his actions have bothered me in the moment. That means right as they happen. And that doesn’t always mean that we have to stop and have an hour long talk about it. Usually, the quick moment of confrontation sounds a lot like, “Hey, that actually doesn’t feel very good when you say that” or, “Hey, could you pick those up so I don’t have to grab them later? Thanks.”

Except if he’s at work- then pleaaassse wait. For Josh and I, flights over text naturally dissipated once we got married. Mostly because over time we became less dramatic and we also simply talked less during the day when we were both working. But there have been a few instances where I’ve really just wanted to tell him what’s what over the phone. And a couple times I have- and then felt like I was back in high school again (ie. embarrassed and regretful. And urgently feeling the need to send an apology text before he got home). Long story short, if you have an issue- bring it up quickly and almost always in person. The End.

3 | Ask yourself if it’s really worth getting worked up over

Sometimes, as much as I’m angry in the moment, my mind arguments with my husband are much more dramatic, pointed, and all-inclusive (meaning they include that time he said something insensitive 6 months ago) than they would be in person. If I don’t stop myself, I can go on for a pretty long time feeling like a self-righteous victim in my marriage rather than stopping to feel grateful for the man my husband is and the fact that he actually does love me- despite whether he hurt me or whether I’m deciding to simply feel hurt. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when Josh has hurt me, but as I said before, those are times for action, confrontation, and forgiveness. Rarely, is internalizing the hurt and remaining the victim the outcome we’re actually looking for- it just feels vindicating in the moment.

4 Write down what you’re feeling

I know I’m not the only one out there who feels like getting their problem out on paper helps them clear their mind, figure out what’s truly bothering them, and prepares them better for confrontation. Note that in no way am I saying one should only write their problems in a journal and not bring them up face to face- simply that sometimes writing your feelings down beforehand will help you organize your thoughts while your emotions run their course, giving you the ability to be more a more calm and collected version of yourself when it comes time to talk to the hubs.

You know how you almost always come up with better talking points after a fight or confrontation? Think of this as a dry run where you can better figure out how you were hurt and explain how you would like your spouse to fix it/act differently in the future (not where you can figure out a more pointed insult).

5 | Just stop

Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and your marriage is to just stop. If you know this is an area that just requires you to be a little more patient but you feel a mental argument a bewin’, try to just stop and think of something more positive and helpful. As I said earlier, you are not a victim in your own marriage. We always have a choice of how we react to whatever our husbands do and in these types of moments, we can choose to simply realize what we’re about to do, stop, move on, and be all the happier for it.

So, do mental fights happen to you, too? Or am I the only crazy one here? Help another married lady out and leave your best methods for helpful confrontation in the comments below!

I don’t know about your husband, but my husband is not always there to be a part of all the fights we have. Like, literally, he has no part in them. Because I’m so angry that I really don’t want to talk to him at the moment and have the fight that I’m having in my mind actually with him. These moments are where I’m able to come up with the best come backs (although he never actually said anything……) come up with the best pointed arguments, and honestly be a bit meaner than I ever would be in person.

In: Marriage, Relationships · Tagged: angry, annoyed, choice, confront, confrontation, fight, forgive, frustrated, Health, help, hurt, husband, imagine, journal, love, mad, marriage, mental, mind, patience, personal, react, Relationships, sad, talk, text, victim, wife, write

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Comments

  1. MacKenzie Rennert says

    May 14, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    This is so me I’m laughing and crying all at the same time whule trying to read! Thank you so much for posting this

  2. Sue says

    May 20, 2017 at 1:54 pm

    Something that helps me forgive things being left for me to take care of, like shoes laying around, is to be thankful those shoes are there, because if they weren’t, neither would he.

  3. J says

    May 23, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    This was me, literally, this past month. I was building up so much anger from doing everything and not getting anything in return (like a thank you or a cookie). After arguing with myself for weeks (trying to remember the good!), I finally came clean. I mean, my husband is loving enough to ask me about my day. Every. Single. Day. So I told him my frustrations and he admitted to not being mindful of me. Still a work in progress but that’s marriage, right?

  4. Theresa J. Nelson says

    May 26, 2017 at 2:49 pm

    I’d like to say the first thing I do is pray, but that’s not how it usually goes.
    I’ve been married 33 years and still have to stop and ask myself “Will this be a big deal tomorrow, next week, next year?” Deep breath, exhale. Now what’s really the problem? then pray for healing of my hurt feelings and wisdom to talk to him about it.

  5. Jenny says

    April 17, 2018 at 10:28 am

    You’re INCREDIBLE. First, your title snagged me right away. Instant smile. We’re in the mommy BLOGGER Pinterest group together and scrolling through the dozens of pins yours jusy Stuck out so well!
    Then there was your content. It was like you were literally I’m my head as I MUMBLE and GRUMBLE under my breath as I do my 3rd load of laundry. I try to do the same, Think of the positives about him and let it go, but somehow your post made me so much more aware of the things he does. Thank you. NOW every time I’m GRUMBLING in mg head i will think of you and remember “i am not a victim”.

  6. Samantha says

    August 20, 2019 at 1:20 pm

    Glad I’m not the only one who feels like a nut!! And is willing to admit it. Needed to read this, and the other comments as well.

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Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.

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Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤

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Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁 Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁
So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 Love my littlest niece, Eva ❤️
Let's hash something out together: what's somethin Let's hash something out together: what's something you do or used to fight about in your marriage/relationship regularly?

Do you feel like the issue is/was pretty cut and dry? 

Or was there an underlying issue that bubbled up in different ways?

Curious to know your thoughts. 

When Josh and I were first married, we fought a lot. We were pretty low-income, didn't have great jobs, and had a wee baby. While our fights were often about the grocery list, the real issue was that we were SCARED. 

Scared of the adult life we had just stepped into. It was kind of like jumping into a puddle you don't think is that deep until after it's too late and now your socks are completely drowning 🚣🏼‍♀️ 

Luckily, though, they dry off over time, don't they?

After lots of learning and working really hard (both at our jobs and relationship) things started to ease up. We started to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and even though we weren't there yet, it gave up hope to carry on together ❤️
Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. O Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. Or if you can't leave the house, sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine. Make time to talk. And make it easier by doing things together. It's so so important ❤️
Top knots over crop tops 😜 Top knots over crop tops 😜
Josh and I have been doing a lot of reading on par Josh and I have been doing a lot of reading on parenting recently and I love so many of the lessons we've been learning on creating structure while also being empathetic to your child's needs. 

One of the concepts that's stuck with me is how we should "sandwich" our criticism or corrections with positive things. Kids can get discouraged pretty easily but we can help make sure they feel reassured and loved by complimenting them and noticing & verbalizing their growth as well. 

So for example, saying, "I'm very proud of you for putting away your toys. I want you to work on not bossing around your sister - I'll be the parent in charge. Ok? But the way you put your clothes in your drawers was great!"

Idk about you but I would love if other adults sandwiched their criticism too 😂

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