The Huge Problem in Every Marriage that No One Talks About!

 

This will talk about a lot of different outward signs of one big problem that every single human being has ever had. And then at the end, you can decide if you’d like to fix it or not.

The Huge Problem in Every Marriage that No One Talks About!

I’m going to just put this out there before you read any further to make sure that you still want to keep reading this. This post is pretty hard for me to write. So I’m imagining that it’s going to be pretty hard for you to read. This post is going to unveil and shine a flashlight on some of the ugly stuff that we didn’t know was hidden back in our minds. The stuff that will always come out eventually,but for the most part we like to pretend isn’t there. So I’m warning you, if you don’t want to find out about some of the nasty stuff we keep hidden, then simply stop reading this post right here. Because it’s gonna get real. But if you want to learn more about yourself and why we do some of the things we do, then by all means, keep reading.

As I said, this post is about why we do many of the things we do. Like, why do I get so angry when I don’t feel like my marriage is 50/50. Or why the heck am I so deeply hurt when it seems like my spouse doesn’t value my “me time.” I’m going to be talking about a lot of different outward signs of one big problem that every single human being has ever had. And then at the end, you can decide if you’d like to fix it or not.

I made a simple little graphic for this post that I’m going to use a few times to remind you while you’re reading of the underlying idea behind this post. Here it is:

pride selfishness entitlement

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Ways selfishness can show up in your marriage:

Finances and double standards

What does this look like? It looks like me going to Target and buying that new top and new lipstick I don’t need and then coming home to find out that my husband bought something on Amazon that I don’t think he needs and asking, “Why did you have to buy that? How much was it?” Maybe I wouldn’t care so much if I hadn’t just dropped $50 on myself…

Anger triggers

I’m going to be completely transparent here and tell you what my 3 main anger triggers are:

      1. A messy home (completely impossible for me to even THINK about relaxing until it’s tidy. Do I clean it? No. I’m writing blog posts, silly).
      2. Our dog, Judah (I know it’s not your fault, Judah, that it is also completely impossible for you to relax- especially when there are birds outside- which is always. But when you insist on taking a break from bird hunting about 30 seconds after I shut the door, hard decisions have to be made. You’re staying outside. Sorry.
      3. My husband, when his listening skills are sub-par. He’s very aware of this one.
      4. (JK, there’s 4) “Me time” interruptions. Now since becoming a mama myself, I’ve had a lot of practice with letting go of “me-time.” I’ve gotten really good at knowing when babe needs his mama and when I need to just let go. That is up until nap time. Or bed time. If anyone is careless enough to wake that sweet sleeping child while I’m doing my own thing, I swear my head turns on a hinge and my eyes turn red.

(Read: 6 Things Moms Should do Alone)

*I realize that’s not a marriage example. So here’s one: when I plan out what I’m going to get done in an evening, whether for me or the blog (which I count as something for me because I love doing it) and then my hubs comes home and has different plans- plans that override my plans- that can many times make my eyes turn red too. I usually try to swallow my anger because 12 hour shifts suck and if he needs my attention after that, by golly he’s got it. But the feelings are oftentimes still there.

Expectations and disappointment

Ooh here’s a biggy! You know how when someone asks you what your favorite movie is and then all of a sudden you  forgot every single movie you’ve ever seen?? Basically the same thing happens when a marriage counselor asks you what your expectations are for each other in marriage and you’re like, “Umm…Take out the trash?” The thing is, it’s kind of hard to know what to ask for until one day you realize they’re not doing it….

An example of this goes back to the messy home anger trigger I mentioned in the last point. It took about 6 months into our marriage for me to realize that my husband is completely oblivious- to messes that is. Trust me, he’s a pretty sharp guy. But when it comes to messes, clothes on the floor, dirty dishes- for real, he’s blind. Many times when I find myself in a whirling vortex of cleaning anger and I can’t help but notice that my husband hasn’t yet asked me if I need help, if I’m lucky, I have an out of body experience where I realize that my anger in that moment is really a problem of selfishness. I know what you’re thinking. My husband is the selfish one for not offering to help. Well, yeah probs right. But I’ll leave that one to God for now. If I’m being brutally honest, my anger is my own problem. I’m angry because this house doesn’t magically clean itself. I’m jealous that my husband is getting the house cleaned for him. I have an innate mindset of entitlement that is telling me that I shouldn’t have to self sacrifice for my family. I deserve better. He’s not doing his part, therefore I feel wronged and angry. All because of my sense of entitlement, which comes from inwardly focussed selfishness, which comes from my pride.

Here’s that graphic again:

pride selfishness entitlementListening skills

This isn’t just about no phones and eye contact during a conversation, although that’s important too!! (Read: 10 Things to do While Unplugged). This is for fights, discussions, or everyday life.

Fights: Always getting the last word (or getting all the words).

Discussions: When hubs tries to bring a problem to your attention and you immediately think of reasons for why you don’t have to listen. Bring up examples of how he did the same things he’s asking you not to do, give excuses for why you do it, or simply tell him that he doesn’t understand. Sometimes those excuses may be valid, but avoiding blame shifting and not turning a discussion into an argument can go a long way for your husband’s morale and for your marriage!

Everyday life: When hubs asks you to do something and you think better of it. Because, of course, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about and surely doesn’t have a good reason to be asking.

Also, just not interrupting is a big one. When we interrupt our spouse, we may not realize it, but what we’re really saying is, “Sweetie I know you had a point to make but let’s get on with it and get to my point.” which isn’t so nice when it’s spelled out like that. Simply taking turns can do a lot of good.

Not investing in your spouse’s interests

My husband, having grown up across the bay from the Emerald City, is a huge Seattle Seahawks fan. Every Sunday (or Saturday, or whenever they have games) he will plan his entire day around the game. But how many times am I there sitting next to him on my phone doing random crap or on my laptop working on the blog? Tons of times, I’ll tell you that. Even though I know that when he’d been planning his whole day around the game, he was picturing me there with him, cheering right along. Anything that I’m doing on my phone or computer can wait until after the game. To be honest, I’m really just bored and passing the time.  And it would be really lame if my husband did the same thing at an event that I was really excited for us to do together. 

So there we have it again, I’m putting myself over the needs and wants of my spouse. Why? because his desires aren’t important enough to require my full attention.

pride selfishness entitlementBlaming your spouse for not achieving your dreams

Many of us grew up with dreams and expectations (there’s that word again) for what our life was going to look like in the future. But when you realize you’re living in your future and haven’t seen your dreams come true yet, you begin to look for the reasons why those dreams still seem far fetched when you were sure they’d be a reality by now. And most of the time, it’s not our fault. Whether it’s the house you pinned on Pinterest or the places you wanted to travel (also pinned on Pinterest) or the job you dreamed of, somewhere a wrench got thrown in the works and by golly (there’s that word again) you’re married to it! Maybe if they had just worked harder and contributed more, you’d be far from where you are now. Or have the things you’ve wanted for a long time. Whatever it is, they’re the one holding you back from getting what you’ve dreamed of and they’re the reason you’re not content.

Or maybe this isn’t about material possessions at all. Maybe it’s the marriage you’ve always dreamed of or the children you thought you’d have (or wouldn’t have). Whatever the reason, you find yourself with a pretty good reasons to be discontent with your life.  

Also, please don’t think I’m pointing fingers here. Guess how I know this stuff? Because I’ve lived it. Or empathized with others who have lived it. Whether you’re the one dealing with discontentment or your spouse, that issue of entitlement and selfishness is hurting someone, whether you realize it or not.

pride selfishness entitlement“I shouldn’t have to do this because ______”

I have some strong feelings about this one but I’ll try to keep it tame. It seems as though every time I say something about responsibilities and effort in marriage not being 50/50, I get backlash along the lines of, “My spouse needs to do their part” “Marriage is a two-way street” and my favorite, “Why should I have to pick up their slack??” Um, because that’s what marriage is. You’re not roommates, you’re married.

ANYWAY- What I mean to say is, in a perfect world, yeah, marriage would be 50/50 with no one ever having to pick up everyone else’s slack. Husbands and wives would always feel loved and appreciated and chores and workloads would be equally shared. But we live in a broken world and we made a vow to a broken person. In sickness and health doesn’t just mean bring him soup when he has the sniffles. It means when he is not at his best, don’t go thinking you’re entitled to a better life because your husband isn’t living up to his potential (whether his “potential” is something or someone he used to be when he was younger or just plain wishful thinking).

In every disagreement, you’re the victim

Being a sensitive individual, this is one of my biggest problems. When my husband tries to bring something up that he would like me to change, I can really easily make it all about me and turn it back to an issue with him instead of actually listening to what he has to say.  

Example:
Josh: “Hey Chels, I’d like you to rinse the dishes after you use them, that way it makes them easier to clean later.”

Me: “Why do you care so much? I do the dishes more than you. And it’s not even hard to clean the food off. You don’t need to tell me how to do dishes.”

What I should have said: “Ok, I’ll try to remember that. It does make them easier to clean later.”

See? No big deal. His intentions aren’t to control me or to tell me that I’m bad at doing the dishes. He’s trying to talk to me about something that I could improve. Lots of times it’s not as little as how I do the dishes, but I’ll still react the same. I get defensive and make it as though he’s the one with the problem, not me, and instead of listening to and caring about what he has to say, I make it about myself.

Looking out for number 1

This is one of those not so tricky, more in-your-face ways that selfishness can show up in your everyday married life. Like when my husband makes himself a sandwich for lunch and forgets to ask me if I wanted one. Or, if you’re only going to buy one type of cereal at the store, buying the one that you like instead of the one your spouse likes. I’m not saying that in marriage you can forget about ever getting your favorite ice cream flavor ever again, BUT it’s good practice to think about your spouse’s needs and wants as more important than your own.

Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves”

If we live our entire married lives thinking (consciously or subconsciously) of ourselves as more important than our spouse, we are bound to live in a marriage that is competitive, me-focussed, and a lot less secure than the one we probably imagined.

I challenge you, as unnatural as it might feel (because selfishness and pride is human nature) live your life as if you’re not better than anyone. Especially your spouse. To many people’s surprise, this can be done with great confidence and security in who you are and the results can be beautiful.

confidence humility love

So let;s be honest here; what are ways you see selfishness popping up in your own married life? What are the good and bad ways you deal with it? What’s helped?
Much love my married friends!

Guys. I have another website called New Kid on The Blog that I made to help people like you create blogs just like this one! Blogging is my favorite and I think you could do it, too! Click the link to start your own blogging adventure!

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58 thoughts on “The Huge Problem in Every Marriage that No One Talks About!

  1. Susan

    I love the honesty of this post!! I can definitely relate, and found myself nodding several times in agreement. One thing that helps me and my husband in our marriage is viewing it as 100%/100%. This reminds each of us that it is more about putting the other person first, less focus on ourselves, and hopefully drawing them closer to God in their daily walk. When you lose a husband and God gives you a second chance, you don’t mind as much the laundry left on the floor, or the boots left stranded by the door. You are grateful they are there and that you can serve your loved one by picking them up for them. I agree we tend to think extra work is left “on purpose with no regard for us”, but I’ll bet 95% of the time, it was never intended that way.

    Reply
    1. Chelsea Post author

      Hi Susan! Thank you for taking the time to read the post! So true that marriage HAS to be 100/100. It’s easy to consider ourselves victims in out own marriages (post coming on that soon) where really our spouse never meant any harm in their actions at all. Thanks for the comment!

      Reply
      1. Christyl

        This post just showed up on my feed and reading it was as if I was looking in the mirror. These issues are so true, for me being in two major vehicle accidents in two years, one of which I suffer a disability your words hit me like a brick. I’ve been so consumed in my situation that I now see what is killing my marriage of 24 years.
        I’m glad I found it and was strong enough to read.
        Starting now, I will be the person my husband thought he married, Thank you!!

        Reply
        1. Laurie

          My dad once told me marriage isn’t 50 50 and shame on me. Be raised a daughter to give her all in everything. So maybe if I gave my marriage the 100 plus % o vowed to give it instead of only 50% things would improve.

          Reply
    1. Chelsea Post author

      Judy,
      SO happy to hear that you found this helpful! I would like to pray for you all the way down there in South Africa that your marriage would flourish and be filled with love and humility and confidence.

      Much love,
      Chelsea

      Reply
  2. NikkiR

    This is the best post ever on the real deal in marriages!! The things you mentioned are so true and I’m glad you put it out there. We can’t allow the world’s standards to mess up what God created for His glory and often times we do by the things you mentioned. I’m a witness and recovering with God’s help! Keep blogging I am hooked!!!!

    Reply
    1. Chelsea Post author

      Thank you Nikki! That is so wonderful to read! It’s such a struggle drawing a line between our culture and God’s standards for us. They can often times be very different. It’s very unpopular to be selfless and humble these days and I fear that that is why so many marriages are not working. Thanks for taking the time to read the post!
      Love,
      Chelsea

      Reply
  3. Jeanie Magee

    Wow! How can you be so young and so insightful. It has taken me 25years to get to this. I think because we live in such a all about me society it’s so important to have people like you out there posting that marriage is not all about me, it’s all about selfLESSNESS. I have come to really understand what husband and wife means, but it took a lot of anniversaries. I have found that the more I love my husband and die to self, the more I love my husband, and life in general. Not because it’s perfect for me, but because I can do things for him and not get bitter. I often read Corinthians if I need a pep talk! I am forwarding this to my daughter who is getting close to marriage vows. Thank you for the incredible insight and daring to be so bluntly honest with selfishness in marriage!

    Reply
    1. Dolly Galbreath

      That is so true. I’m 60 something and I think I finally figure those things out and I STILL have to watch myself and remember to put my sweet loving spouse first. Thank you for reminding me.

      Reply
  4. Lee

    Thank You for having the courage to put this to paper

    If only the message could get through to more people on both sides of the marriage
    unfortunately far to late for my marriage

    Reply
  5. Diana

    OMG – I don’t think I have ever commented on a blog before – you have deep insight. very cool – food for thought, thank you.

    Reply
  6. Lin

    Thank you Chelsea for making me think! I’m on my second chance at this now and you’ve reminded me about the promises I made and how it’s not all about me – a mistake I made big time first time round.

    Reply
  7. Becky

    I always have the thought that half my marriage has been spent NOT being jealous of my hubby. As the woman (and most women) I take the brunt of responsibilities. At times I want to say “I’ll trade your weekly event of taking out the trash with planning shopping and preparing 5 meals a week.” Christmas the tale is really told. I wish i could keep track of.the time shopping planning wrapping planning cooking planning decorating…. while he enjoys reading his Bible the newspaper the kindle sipping coffee and petting the dog. I am AWARE of.this jealousy and deal with it. I also realize that I choose to buy presents for our 7 children 14 grandchildren. … however even this week with 3 bdays…. planning shopping cooking…. wishing I was the one on the couch. Forgive me again Dear Lord.

    Reply
  8. Meaghan Zeeb

    This blog post was amazing! I randomly stumbled upon it on pinterest, (go figure) and Im so happy I did. I am in a serious relationship of almost 2 years, (we met on a plane!) and we, okay mostly I, have a lot of these same problems. Its comforting to know that Im not the only one who acts selfish and entitled to everything. I adore my boyfriend and would do anything for him, and him the same for me. Even if that means addressing my selfishness and working on ways to learn to be better for both myself and him. Thankyou for this post, I really feel like it will help our relationship be that much closer. Thankyou!!

    Reply
  9. Raymond

    Great! Great post Chelsea. I loved all of this I really did. We have the same problems; yet always we come to an agreement. It’s Marriage, sometimes I do more for her, sometimes her for me. It’s love, it’s life. We’re human, we mess up 🙂

    Reply
  10. Lynn

    Great and insightful post. Just had a difficult conversation with hubby that highlighted my selfishness. However, to be real, I don’t want to change at this time, and I accept the consequences.

    Reply
  11. Rina

    You are awesome. I just came across one of your posts on Pinterest, and ended up reading a bunch more. Here I am 1/2 hour later, lol. Thanks so much for sharing your own experiences! Lots of great advice here 🙂

    Reply
  12. Quicha

    Thank you. I too stumbled upon this in Pinterest. I openly admit that I’m selfish. I just didn’t realize how much damage my selfishness has done to my marriage. Thank you for the eye opener.

    Reply
  13. Melissa

    I am SO PROUD of you for writing this! This article popped up on the heels of a discussion we were just having…In this day and age where everyone seems to be finger pointing, you engaging in compassion instead…adressing the motivation for your feelings. It’s refreshing:) NOT saying it’s on you but, can be worked through as a team!

    Reply
  14. Kimberly

    I just found your blog and I find it so refreshing. I find a lot of Christian marriage blogs weird and cult-ish feeling or at best just boring. But you make Christian marriage sound fun. And it is. It was meant to be fun, marrying your best friend and all. I love your confidence in your beliefs and the advice is great. I’m binge reading. It’s so nice to find a godly blog on marriage (from a young wife and mother like me) where you’re not afraid to write about the responsibility of being a Christian wife. Anytime I try to talk about it with anyone, people go crazy defensive and act like I’m a poor little mistreated wife, which is crazy because I have the most kind, non-controlling husband imaginable. Everyone’s afraid to talk about it. But the thing is if you’re a Christian, you have certain responsibilities in your life whether you’re a wife, a husband, a child, single, a mother, a father. You have certain responsibilities. Yes husbands have duties too and the bible speaks about what husbands should do also. And it’s not all rules and duties. It’s about being Christ like. We all have the responsibility to be Christlike. But God did set a certain order of family roles. I can’t say I have a relationship with God and then ignore his advice on being a wife and mother. The three most important things to me is my relationship with God, my husband and my child. I have to work those three things together into my daily life. I can’t claim to be one of God’s children and then go throughout my daily life un-Christlike in my attitude with my husband and child. I wish more people were open to talk about such things. Most people don’t and if they do they tend to sound miserably droll and stiff. But like I said godly marriage is fun and followings God’s advice brings peace. Anyway I love your perspective and attitude of things. Thanks for sharing 🙂

    Reply
  15. Cynthia

    WOW God, thought I’d dealt with all that before–Thanks for the “2 x 4 upside the head” to get my attention. Sorry friends, guess I’m introspective because I’ll soon be 62. Who’d have believed I would make it this far in this life and 47 years in this relationship this June. Certainly not me. Anyways–no judgments just passing along my 2 x 4 it’s been well used but think there’s still some wisdom in it. Peace to you all. —– I just posted this to my facebook timeline. There are so many of us young and old alike who let the “little things” for that is what they truly are–destroy our relationships and intimacy (not talking sexual here but that can also be affected) and we go through the motions wondering where did we go wrong and blaming our spouses. Truly thank you for having the courage to speak out about real life–slogging it out in the trenches–getting dirty–but truly living.

    Reply
  16. Karen

    This is one of the most powerful pieces I have ever read. I saw so much of myself in this post. The insight you have is unreal. Please continue to share.

    Reply
  17. Ginny Paramore

    loved this! I found it authentic, humorous, and very reflective. It’s exactly everything I would say and everything I am guilty of as a wife. And I love this kind of accountablility!

    Reply
  18. Valerie Pogue

    Loved the “soaking the dishes” part! Have asked him to do that countless times! He still doesn’t do it. I’m almost 61, married since we were 19, and it’s still all this little crap that we have to deal with. He’s gotten much better over the years, but I ask myself, why do we have to train them? You all know how wonderful they are at some things and stink at others, so we have to pick our battles.
    Thanks for the down to earth speak, it’s refreshing!

    Reply
  19. Ashley 30 (Oregon)

    Chelsea, your honesty is so refreshing. I justified celebrated my 9th anniversary in March because God opened my eyes to these same things. It is painful to confront, and often in practice of find my peace come a after obedience. I rarely have peace and confidence that spawns Godly love towards my spouse but an obedience that results in peace. Of course this is always delivered in a broken vessel, and I know I have so much further to go. I found myself relying on Christ more than ever before when my unbelieving husband got a vasectomy even though I sobbed and pleaded for weeks for him not to. I was crushed. The whole world told me to walk away. I was young, and someone out there would want to give me more children. But God asked me to show him grace and mercy the way it was shown to me. He asked me if I trusted that He was enough even if I never get my way. Then He promised me that he will reach my husband. I knew nothing else mattered that much. Now I teach my children that we can put Jesus first, others second, and ourselves last because Jesus always puts us first. It’s is still the most imperfect journey, and God is always changing me, but He has given me the ability to trust that I will never go without what he desires for me. That’s enough. Thank you for opening your heart to God’s revelation and rebuke. Our generation doesn’t value it enough. He is definitely using it to reach and encourage people. Bless you!

    Reply
  20. Brenda Van V.....

    Hay Chelsea,

    This is what I passed on to my girls b-4 they got married. We are their “HELP MATES,” it says it in the BIBLE. No where in the BIBLE does it say they will be ours, that I have read. Older women are to teach the young how to help their husbands, not the other way around. Proverbs 31 will really shock you into reality.
    Just trying to help

    Reply
  21. Michelle

    Your post popped up in my Pinterest feed. Amen to every.single.point. Seriously! I’ve been married for 30 years and I’m guilty of every single one of these. And so is my husband. I think too, the longer you are married, the easier it is to take for granted the things we worked so hard on in the beginning. Great post and love your honesty.

    Reply
  22. Kelly

    Ladies, really? You settle for poo you’ll get poo.
    Husbands are not the enemy you just got the wrong husband!
    Also need to look inside yourself, as you and only you are responsible for your own happiness, stop blaming your spouse for your dissatisfied feelings. Just saying …….

    Reply
  23. Rebecca

    This is great. But next time you are cleaning while he isn’t, just go ask for help. Just because a lot of men don’t notice a job needs done (or they assume you don’t want their help because you have a certain way of doing it) doesn’t mean they aren’t willing to jump in and help when asked. Then you can get the job done faster and do something fun together.

    Reply
  24. Maria

    This is really a great eye opener. I m in deep sea at the present moment with my ego and pride… Pray I improve and my hubby forgive me for all the accusations and hurts I have given him.

    Reply
  25. Kate Kainu

    It is lovely to see enlightenment dawning on some of us. The post is getting very near to the actual truth, and I feel so much gratitude for it. I see myself in you. (not in form, but in spirit) The ego in each of our minds has taken reign in almost all of us since we began to speak and reason, developing that sense of ME and MINE (separation and isolation from all others). We learn to identify with our bodies at a very early age. We have all been conditioned, by our parents, teachers, governments, friends, media, movies, etc. etc., that we are what we see through our body’s eyes. We think we are our bodies. This is the way it has been for centuries on this earth. We all need to wake up from this illusion and claim our birthright as spiritual beings, as One, expressed in beautiful diversity. Anytime we feel less than joyful, appreciative, free, loved and empowered, the ego has taken us over again. The ego that is constantly judging, blaming, justifying, attacking and attempting to control of our minds. The ego has to be right, and will try to prove it to us until the last dog dies, holding us in pain and suffering. I have been led like a sheep by my ego for nearly 60 years. I was always looking for someone or something outside of myself to make me whole and loving, and loved. The only place I forgot to look was inside the very vessel that holds my spirit. That space inside the body I inhabit. And there I found it. At first I got just glimpses of it, and then the ego was right back in, telling me how much I suck, laying on the guilt and crushing me. I began looking (outside again) for some kind of technique to quiet my ego-mind so that I would be able to find out who I really am. I knew deep down that it wasn’t what I saw, felt or acted out in my daily life. Seemingly by chance I picked up a book written by Eckhart Tolle, called “The Power of Now”. I read it, and then started listening to some of his YouTube videos. This helped me find myself. Then I went back inside myself, quieted my ego-mind, and found my true self just waiting quietly for a little willingness to be remembered. (ask, seek, knock) Oh, it was on after that! I no longer allow the ego to enter my presence; it is welcome no longer. God created me in His image. He made me like Himself. My worth is established by Him. He is not manifested in form, and the true Me (and You) is not form. Just because we inhabit a tangible form does not mean we are separate from God or from each other. Don’t allow anyone to tell you this is false. Prove it to yourself. This is your life you live after all. I realized that I do not understand God’s will because I don’t remember it. Ego doesn’t allow us to remember who we are. It does not acknowledge the present moment, but only past, with judgements and notions of separateness. It plants preconceived notions about the future, filling us with fear and anxiety of some kind. The ego must keep us in a state of confusion, lest we become aware of whom we truly are. It has to keep us chained in order to survive. Now is all we ever have. Think about it. Even when tomorrow gets here, it will still be now when we experience it. Why try to project something on it that comes from the false idol of our ego? The less the real you allows the ego to lead, the more you will remember who you really are. The ego still pops in sometimes, but the true me is getting better and better at recognizing it. I can recognize it because I am no longer at perfect ease with the flow of life itself. I immediately get back into vibrational alignment with the real me and kick the ego to the curb once more. God, and each of us, is ever growing and expanding. That is what makes eternity real. God, and each of us cannot be stagnant because we are limitless beings who love to express creation. The only thing that doesn’t change in God is His will to have us Be as He created each of us. He holds us perfectly as He created us in His mind. The ego can only see death, and it is death which it tries to lead us toward. It will try to prove this even unto death, but only it will pass away as we will see. I say AWAKE my beautiful brothers and sisters from this dream of terror and find, within yourself, the most amazing help to remember who you are; and Who is there to help you find the love and happiness that you have yearned for always. Each morning I go within and decide who will be my guide for the day, hour, minute and even second; ego or God. I cannot decide alone. (look up the word ‘decide’, it takes two) I no longer choose ego. In fact, I no longer want anything I believe any idol can give me. I now always choose God in Me, who is very much alive. He does not judge, blame, justify, attack or anything else the ego has led me to believe is real. When God is my guide, I see the whole world and everything in it through His eyes. It is not up to me to understand His whole plan for me, it is only up to me to follow where He leads me. He created us all in His image, period. He is the ‘cause’ and we are the ‘effect’. We refuse to be confused by this fact any longer. Now we no longer worry about anything, and we are not afraid. We just have joy in the NOW, flowing with Him in the living waters of this life. I am light and love, and so are you. Break the chains and truly live. There is a consciousness shift happening all across this world. We are being gently and kindly enlightened, and we are all part of this shift. Finally!!! The chains are loosening, and we will All be free because God will not be whole without us All. We are His sons and daughters, and He has given us each all of Himself in equal measure. Your religion matters not, the message is the same and your path will be made clear. Go inside yourself and find the truth. Blessings of love, light and peace to you all. Shine it!!! It is so.

    Reply
  26. Sarah

    Taking things for granted and feeling resentful, instead of remembering to be thankful for what we have in our daily life can get really ugly. Especially in marriage.

    Thank you for the honesty in your post. It’s a good reminder that the way we look at things, and how we respond to our partner can make a big difference!

    Virtual high five on the subject of male blindness to messes! My husband actually does not even notice things that bug me (shaving clips of hair ALL over the bathroom sink, toothpaste on the mirror, mud tracked in from his boots, etc.). It’s not as if he does these things on purpose to bother me. He just doesn’t even notice, and I definitely have to remind myself of that everyday!

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  27. Krysta

    In other words, learning to love them as much as you love yourself. Learning to want what they want as much as what you want. Learning to look out for their best interest as much as yours. People get married because they’re in love. This is what love is–loving another person enough to look out for them even at our own inconvenience or expense. Real love is this practice–and the awareness of the little (and sometimes big) ways in which are, deliberately or not, being selfish.

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  28. Fernanda

    Hey! I came across your blog thanks to Pinterest and nowI can not wait to read everything! My boyfriend and I got recently engaged and even if the wedding will be in around 2 years (uni first) I find myself trying to get ready for everything; cool stories for our future grandkids included 😛
    I loved reading this because even if we are not married yet, sometimes little simple things like this happen from time to time and it is important to learn to control them before they become serious things. I am so happy you talked with your heart and with the truth, opening up about your marriage, making your post real and confronting yourself and others 🙂 I know I am learning a lot from this 😀

    Reply
    1. Chelsea Post author

      Congratulations Fernanda! It’s so important to invest in your marriage before you say your vows! Kudos to you! Thanks so much for your kind words and for reading the blog! Comments like yours make my day 🙂

      Reply
  29. Isabel

    Thank you chelsea. At lest this time on i will start to appreciate what small things my husband does. Not necessarily what I always wanted him to DO.

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  30. Joyful_2010

    ‘I’m sorry for what I said and did during my cleaning rage.’

    Yep. Nailed that topic for sure. The only thing I might add is the feeling of disrespect. Feeling disrespected us a huge trigger for me. Not respecting our life together in this house enough to pick up after oneself – hubs or kids – sets me off. We’ve worked hard for what we have and are so blessed compared to so many in our country and throughout the world. It almost seems like not taking care of our blessings is an affront to God, if that makes sense.

    Everyone in our family gives lip service to this but doesn’t follow through. I should not have to beg, plead, and get downright nasty to get cooperation. I don’t mind teaching/training/helping the kids until they’re a little older and i want to foster independence and responsibility. I don’t want to be the accountability warden, especially for my spouse. I’m not sure where that fits in with pride >>> selfishness>>> entitlement???

    Thanks for any insight you can offer.

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  31. Holly Howell

    Created to be a Help Meet is the best book I’ve ever read. I think you’d love it. It changed me and it’s very real and practical. It makes you change the way you think. Your article made me think of the book. 🙂

    Reply
  32. Amberly

    A messy house is totally one of my anger triggers as well, it’s ridiculous, especially because logically, the kitchen is never going to stay clean, but I get frustrated every night4 with just how messy it’s gotten in the three hours that we’ve been home.

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  33. April Haapala

    Wonderful, engaging writing style. I love this gentle and straightforward reminder to love more and self protect less. After all, those are really wounds and illusions not in line with Kingdom thinking we are protecting.

    Really nice!

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  34. Penny O

    Really good post! I spent many years in AlAnon and learned many of these lessons. When my attention/anger is turned towards my partner, there is something about myself I need to fix. Mad that my partner isn’t doing FILL IN ACTION HERE how /when I’d like…look towards myself. The kitchen is a mess and it’s my partner’s turn to clean it. I have learned to either relax and let him do it in his own time (he always does) or just do it myself without anger or resentment. It’s not worth the strife of being a controlling wife — that feels awful — or a resentful wife — equally bad feeling. We all can change ourselves and work on ourselves and evolve together!!

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  35. LizB

    This was a really great reminder. We are responsible for our own attitudes and actions. No one else made us mad. No one else is responsible for what is inside of us. And selflessness is the key to a good marriage. Clear communication and boundaries are helpful too. Asking for help cleaning or sometimes communicating your desire for “me time” is sometimes appropriate. Call out of your husband the greatness that is in him. That doesn’t just mean encouraging him in his work, but loving him enough to not let him “off the hook”. I don’t mean that you should nag or continue on in your selfishness, but communicating your needs is not selfish. You need to check your motives and what is best in each situation. He just got home after a 12 hour shift, maybe you don’t ask anything of him. But he is content to just chill out all Saturday and you are overwhelmed by everything that needs done, give him the opportunity to be your rescuer. Ask him to do a task for you and then commend him as your hero. It fills his tank and yours too.
    I totally love your perspective and there are many times we just need to sacrifice and change our own attitudes about a situation. But sometimes we just need to say, “hey, would you mind putting your shoes in the closet instead of leaving them in front of the door.”

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  36. JK

    We always fight with my husband, We’ve been through a lot of fights, to the point that I had miscarriage and when I get pregnant the second time I had bleeding. During a day in the hospital, I said something he don’t like and he walk out and leave me behind. Now we had a son , Ive been through a lot of sacrifices, I had to leave my son to my Moms house for me to work in the city. My husband doesn’t like the idea, he wants to be with our son, we always had fights about that to the point of leaving me behind. He went home to his father’s house, he did give support to his son but its not enough. Its less than four months since he left, but last week, he went home to my Moms house with me to see his son , we’ve been happy I think, until we back in the city but he insisted to go home in his father’s house he don’t want to be with me. Last night we had a dinner, we talk while eating dinner and I was joking that time when he stood up and leave me , he got angry again I ran to him and he began to raise his voice and shame me to the mall. I was holding the box of pizza in the parking lot and threw it leaving me a mess I took a cab to take me home but he warned the driver of the cab not to. I thank God that the driver of a cab is a retired military officer, when my husband warned the driver of the cab he even told he was a police officer., the driver told me not to fear because he was a retired military officer, I just thank God I got home and there I felt anger, I felt pain what he did to me. It was not the first time even in social media, he maligned my reputation and even sending messages to my relatives and friends that I am the worst. I don’t know how to a best wife, I just know I’ve been a good daughter and mom. He rang my mobile phone send text messages but I didn’t answer nor given any reply to his messages, I was hurt, I cant talk. Honestly I don’t know what to do. I want to fix this marriage but I don’t know how. Your post made me realized of many things, I should go down, I should understand him more and give what I can give but I dont know how to begin.

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  37. Kit

    You Go Girl! I just love the openness, transparency & honesty you put out there! I definetly think selfishness & self entitlement is something we ALL struggle with at some time or another whether we want to admit it or not! This was so on point & really made me think about some things in my own marriage & in myself! I loved it!!! Keep up the awesome writing!!

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  38. Tish Ann

    Girlfriend… I am single and I still have most of these issues going on… with my kids for Heaven’s sake! Thankfully God is NOT done with us yet. We shall keep presenting ourselves to Him for transformation, OK? Thanks for putting it all out there. You really are awesome! Blessings~

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  39. Erin

    Oooo man this post is on fire! There’s a lot of marriage/relationship advice articles out there but this This is brutal honesty in the most helpful way! You’ve removed the happily ever after and gone for a reality check that, let’s be honest, a lot of people need and not many get. Cudos to you for putting this out there, it takes guts and girl you’ve got a tonne of it!

    Reply
  40. Casey

    What happens when I live and believe whole-heartedly in being a submissive Christian wife…and it gets me nowhere? I do not give with the motive of getting, at all. But after crying and pleading and praying and talking to my husband about needing more from him, he still makes minimal effort. This didn’t even happen until he found I wanted to leave him! The worst part is it was easier for me to stop having feelings for him than to continue to keep getting hurt, so now even though he’s trying (somewhat), I don’t want him anymore! What triggers me is that I have told him my love language is acts of service, but he never obliges me. If i have to ask for something, I’d rather just do it myself! I don’t want things done because I told you to…I want you to know me well enough to know what I want, because that’s how well I know him. I hate to say but I’ve become bitter. Why should I be willing to accept so little in a relationship just to keep him happy and stay married? Am I asking too much??

    Reply

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