Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁 Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁
So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 Love my littlest niece, Eva ❤️
Let's hash something out together: what's somethin Let's hash something out together: what's something you do or used to fight about in your marriage/relationship regularly?

Do you feel like the issue is/was pretty cut and dry? 

Or was there an underlying issue that bubbled up in different ways?

Curious to know your thoughts. 

When Josh and I were first married, we fought a lot. We were pretty low-income, didn't have great jobs, and had a wee baby. While our fights were often about the grocery list, the real issue was that we were SCARED. 

Scared of the adult life we had just stepped into. It was kind of like jumping into a puddle you don't think is that deep until after it's too late and now your socks are completely drowning 🚣🏼‍♀️ 

Luckily, though, they dry off over time, don't they?

After lots of learning and working really hard (both at our jobs and relationship) things started to ease up. We started to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and even though we weren't there yet, it gave up hope to carry on together ❤️
Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. O Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. Or if you can't leave the house, sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine. Make time to talk. And make it easier by doing things together. It's so so important ❤️
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Dating, engaged, Marriage · March 13, 2017

8 things every married couple should talk about openly and often

Now a lot of married couples would probably tell you that they can talk to their spouse about anything. But is that really true? I’ve actually come across a lot who have a hard time even bringing certain subjects up in their own marriages. Cross-check this list and see if these subjects come up regularly in your own marriage. If they don’t- maybe it’s time they should!

Now a lot of married couples would probably tell you that they can talk to their spouse about anything. But is that really true? I’ve actually come across a lot who have a hard time even bringing certain subjects up in their own marriages. Cross-check this list and see if these subjects come up regularly in your own marriage. If they don’t- maybe it’s time they should!

1 | Finances

You knew this was going to be in this post somewhere, so might as well get it out of the way. While a lot of married couples have one person who is more “financially minded” (that would be me in our marriage) it’s uber important to be on the same page with your spouse about your finances. This includes this like: what you spend your money on, how much money you spend on those things, what your savings goals are, etc. Of course those are really broad, but as a rule of thumb, the more open you are about money and the more you’re able to stay on the same page, the less frustrated you’ll be later.

Being the financial person in our marriage, Josh used to trust me with all things finances and never checked our bank account- like never. And being an impulsive person, this wasn’t always the best thing for our savings account. Not that I would spend much at all, but I found myself making lots of little impulsive purchases here and there that would really add up at the end of the month. Things like gourmet coffees from over-priced coffee shops, new clothes and makeup from Target that I didn’t really need, snacks that probably only looked good because I went shopping hungry- that kind of stuff. But- I realized that what I was doing was hurting our bank account. So I asked him to check in on it here and there. Now, knowing that my husband actually looks at our bank statements and wouldn’t support my decision to buy yet another outfit from Target, I have an easier time putting it back on the rack than I used to. And our bank account is happier this way as well. The same principle has always applied to him, it’s just an equal playing field now.

You and your spouse should BOTH have a good idea of where your money goes. #marriage #sweetwife
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My point is, while one person in your relationship might be better at handling money, both you and your spouse should have a good idea of where your money goes. That’s all.

2 | Critical things

No, not like mission critical. More like constructive criticism. Josh and I were watching the show Arrow on Netflix the other night and a piece of relationship advice was given that went something like this: “Find someone you never have to apologize to.”

Josh and I immediately looked at each other and said, “Uhhhhhh… that’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works…”

What she meant by saying, “Find someone you never have to apologize to,” was that you should find someone who understands you so much that you never have to apologize for not being there for them, because they’ll understand that you had a good reason. Except that’s really really not how life works. Am I right? What if your significant other actually doesn’t have a good reason for letting you down? Are you going to simply understand why they did what they did and not hold them to a standard to where some of their actions are considered unacceptable?

I mean, as much as it’s great practice to give your spouse the benefit of the doubt (read more on why I think so here), there also comes a time and a place to hold them to a standard. Now, I’ve talked about this issue before (you can read about it here). But for this to work at all, your standards with your spouse are going to need to be mutually understood. Otherwise, if your standards are different, your words will only sound naggy and go in one ear and come out the other. So, that being said, don’t be afraid to speak up and tell your spouse how they could improve (where it matters).

3 | Feelings

The other day I was speaking with a married woman who I have been close to for a long time. She told me that she tries to communicate with her husband, but there seems to be a wall there. Although she’s able to ask him to change and do something differently in their relationship, and he doesn’t reject her when she asks, she still never actually sees the changes she asks for. So while my friend is being open with her husband about what she would like to see change (which is great!) she feels extremely hurt by the fact that her requests are being ignored.

Knowing her husband, like many other husbands, I don’t think he is intentionally trying to ignore my friend. He’s actually a really good husband- and she thinks so too. But what my friend finds hard to do is express how her husband’s actions (or lack thereof) are hurting her. Yes, she’s told him what she would like to see change, but when the change never came, she has a hard time letting him know how that makes her feel. And having a good husband who does most other things right can make it even harder at times to let him know that he is disappointing you in this one way that actually matters a lot.

My advice to her and women who find themselves in similar situations is to tell your husband how his actions are making you feel. He may simply not realized how important your request is and by letting him know that his actions hurt he’ll be given the second chance to understand the importance of what you’re asking and then hopefully, follow through!

4 | Bedroom Stuff

And I’m not just talking about the sheets you put on your bed. A lot of people come to and seek out other marriage blogs for advice on how to handle certain things in the bedroom. Which is totally fine and great! But marriage blogs can only give you so much advice for your life behind the bedroom doors. The rest is really going to be up to you and that spouse of yours.

Talking openly about your sex life is easier the earlier you start, but this can be done later in life, and you can get to the point where you feel comfortable doing it- with practice. If this is something that doesn’t come naturally to your in your spouse, but you want to try to talk about it more, start light. Be sure that you and your hubby are in a comfortable setting and don’t lay whatever is on your mind too heavy on him if this is not something you usually talk about. Try to keep it light at first and listen to what he has to say about sex as well. Then, after you both become more comfortable talking openly about your sex life, don’t be afraid dive a little deeper, always remembering to keep it an open discussion.

5 | Funny things

Many marriages fall apart for many different reasons. A lot of those reasons have to do with the standards and confrontation and honesty we talked about above. But, marriages can also fall apart even when it seems as though there is nothing structurally wrong at all.

In my experience, marriages can sneakily begin to disintegrate when a couple forgets how to laugh together. I’ve even gone through a period like this (specifically when our son was very young). To be honest, I was tired and stressed out and still adjusting to being a mommy who was needed at what seemed like every second of every day. Laughter began to seem like a distraction from getting the things done on my very long to-do list and I began to ignore it or even find it frustrating when my husband would try to have fun with me.

When I learned to live in the moment and enjoy those small moments with my family, I saw that my to-do list didn’t change, but my attitude sure did.

Living in the moment&enjoying the small things doesn’t change my to-do list, but it DOES change my attitude #momlife
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6 | Future Things

Ah, this is one of my favorite things to talk about! And I don’t think this is a hard one for many young-ish or new couples. But for many who may find themselves living in what seems more or less like a daily routine, the future may be something you haven’t talked about in a while. While my last point points out that it’s really important to also live in the moment, it’s wonderful to have dreams and plans and a vision of the future with your spouse, no matter how long you’ve been married!

One of Josh’s and my favorite things to do is put David to bed and get a bench and set it up in our open yard and talk while looking up at the stars. We talk about life and what’s going on in the now, but we love to talk about what our family might look like in the future, where we could possibly travel some day, the possibility of moving closer to our families. All that good stuff.

This being said, it’s also important to always remember to be content. If you’re always living in the future, but things end up not going as you planned, it’s important to roll with the punches and be thankful for everything that you do have and the experiences you have shared together.

7 | Spiritual things

Really, “spiritual things” should be something you talk about way before you ever decide to get married. But if you’re married and reading this and realizing that spiritual things actually never come up, don’t worry, there’s still hope. Now, I find that couples are either on the same page with their spiritual beliefs, or, if they’re not, their beliefs are usually seldom talked about in order to avoid yet another passionate argument that always ends the same way.

Being a Christian, we read in the Bible that we shouldn’t marry anyone who doesn’t believe God’s Word like we do. And that’s not because we’re better than those who don’t believe. But because when the Apostle Paul wrote those words, he knew what it would look like to have a marriage between two people who believe and value very different things. Yes, you can make it work. But wouldn’t you want a marriage where your spouse believes the same core things that you do? I mean, not believing in the same values, spiritual beliefs, and convictions as your spouse is a HUGE thing to not have in common! And if you plan on making a relationship like that work, there’s going to be a lot that you don’t talk about- you know, in order to keep the peace. Because eventually, trying to get your spouse to believe what you believe is going to grow old. The same arguments are going to grow old. And- truth be told- they’ll either stop because you and your spouse decide to separate or because you decide to be silent about those things.

So, if you- Christian- find yourself in this place, the most you can do is live out your faith the very best you can and pray for your spouse. Christianity is never going to look more attractive by trying to convince someone that it is.

John 3:34-45 says, “I give you a new command: Love one another. Just as I have loved you, you must also love one another. By this all people will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another.”

8 | Embarrassing things

Yet another one of my favorite things to talk about with Josh. This is actually something that often falls under #5- funny things- for us. But embarrassing things can be more serious as well. For the most part, try to be open and set the example that it’s ok to laugh at yourself from time to time- or quite often like me. It’s also quite alright to start off the conversation by simply telling your spouse that you’re embarrassed but you would like to talk to them about whatever it is anyway.

There are lots of things on this list that any couple could find embarrassing to talk about if not done openly and often enough. But being open about most things will take the embarrassment out of many potentially awkward subjects. I like to tell people that conversations are only awkward if you believe they are. If you and your spouse seek to be open and understand each other in most things, then awkward conversations won’t really be a thing you have to deal with.

Think of anything that I missed? What other topics should be on this list? Leave your thoughts in the comments below and share this post with the married couples in your life!

Now a lot of married couples would probably tell you that they can talk to their spouse about anything. But is that really true? I’ve actually come across a lot who have a hard time even bringing certain subjects up in their own marriages. Cross-check this list and see if these subjects come up regularly in your own marriage. If they don’t- maybe it’s time they should!

http://chelseadamon.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/8-things-every-married-couple-should-talk-about-openly-and-often.png

In: Dating, engaged, Marriage · Tagged: bedroom, beliefs, conflict, confrontation, constructive criticism, conversation, couple, criticism, feelings, finances, funny, future, husband, marriage, married, money, sex, speak, spiritual, talk, values, wife, words

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Comments

  1. Ty says

    March 15, 2017 at 5:14 pm

    Such a great reminder, it’s so easy to get caught up in the everyday. Spending time talking about the important things is so important in this digital world ❤

  2. Yasmine @ Mommy Cries Too says

    March 16, 2017 at 4:26 am

    Chelsea,
    This is a great list. I’m the same way with the small purchases so I try to go shopping with my husband. There’s no way I’m buying another lipstick with him standing behind me. Especially because I have about 30 that I’m too shy to wear.
    Talking about your childhood can be another good one. It’s allowed me to learn so much about who my husband is and why he behaves certain ways. He isn’t big on feelings so this is the next best thing.

  3. Heidi says

    March 20, 2017 at 10:05 pm

    My father passed away suddenly at the end of January. Although it is a difficult discussion to have, I would add “end of life” subjects like: life support and funeral wishes, to this list.

  4. Scoot says

    March 21, 2017 at 12:43 am

    So what if you thought about maybe half of these deeply before you got married young and agreed with as a couple. Now 13 years and 3 kids later, you might work well with only one or two of them? Deciding either to split up or to live in daily pain (maybe not forever, but often years) for the sake of continuity and family can be one of the most devastating hopeless scenarios you experience in life. Choose wisely.

    • Chelsea says

      March 21, 2017 at 1:01 am

      Hi Scoot,

      Are you saying that these things should only be discussed and determined once? And not as a couple changes and grows?

  5. Peter E says

    March 28, 2017 at 6:58 pm

    Hi,

    I’m a guy. #3 hits the pin on the needle for me. My GF and I have recently separated. Each year she asked me for changes in our relationship. I didn’t reject the idea of making changes. But Year after year she kept reminding me of her request. I had thought I was being a good BF. I wasn’t clear on understanding her expectations. Until recently she drew the line. She told me how much my actions were hurting her. I had no idea how much pain I was putting her through until it was TOO LATE.
    My advice from the other side? I wish I read this article sooner to understand things from her perspective.

  6. Trish says

    April 26, 2017 at 5:14 pm

    Set straight each other’s definition of cheating. Mine has always been if you can’t say or do or text or email what you’re doing with another girl right in front of me…..its cheating. Unfortunately, my husband’s definition of cheating was….unless he is caught red handed with his hoo haa actually in the other woman. Well then he wasn’t cheating.

  7. Sandi says

    October 20, 2017 at 4:06 pm

    Who will care for the child(ren) in case of both of your deaths. Also wills, prenuptial agreements, how and who will handle emergency if you both work, such as kids getting sick in school, pipes bursting in the house. It seems trivial but you would be surprised how much this can effect a relationship. Also talk about investments. I known this comes under finances, but most couples just think about savings and bills when you say that.

  8. miranda says

    June 13, 2018 at 1:29 pm

    Really good post Chelsea. I think you pinpointed some key areas in a healthy marriage. sharing on my FB page:)

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3 tips for effective communication with your husband

Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.

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Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤

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Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁 Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁
So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 Love my littlest niece, Eva ❤️
Let's hash something out together: what's somethin Let's hash something out together: what's something you do or used to fight about in your marriage/relationship regularly?

Do you feel like the issue is/was pretty cut and dry? 

Or was there an underlying issue that bubbled up in different ways?

Curious to know your thoughts. 

When Josh and I were first married, we fought a lot. We were pretty low-income, didn't have great jobs, and had a wee baby. While our fights were often about the grocery list, the real issue was that we were SCARED. 

Scared of the adult life we had just stepped into. It was kind of like jumping into a puddle you don't think is that deep until after it's too late and now your socks are completely drowning 🚣🏼‍♀️ 

Luckily, though, they dry off over time, don't they?

After lots of learning and working really hard (both at our jobs and relationship) things started to ease up. We started to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and even though we weren't there yet, it gave up hope to carry on together ❤️
Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. O Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. Or if you can't leave the house, sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine. Make time to talk. And make it easier by doing things together. It's so so important ❤️
Top knots over crop tops 😜 Top knots over crop tops 😜

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