Naturally, when we see a need, we rush in to fill Naturally, when we see a need, we rush in to fill it and fix it. On top of this, it’s hard for us to ask for help because we don’t want to be a burden to others. 

But in the process of meeting everyone else’s needs and neglecting our own (especially our need for rest), we often become bitter towards the ones we’re helping.

Instead, one of the best things we can do as a wife or mother is to assess our own needs and make sure to leave space to meet them ourself or to ask for what we need. 

It might be time to rest, help with the next meal, time alone to pray and meditate on God’s word, or allowing yourself to leave a task un-done so you can “selfishly” enjoy a hobby of yours like the rest of your family gets to do. 

In the end, making room to find joy each day may be one of the best things you do for your relationships.
30 weeks and counting down the days til we meet yo 30 weeks and counting down the days til we meet you. We *think* we've finally settled on a first name after non-stop back-and-forth and brainstorming. Any guesses?? Or.. what are your favorite baby girl names right now??
Saturday highlights 🖤 We've been trying to be s Saturday highlights 🖤 We've been trying to be super intentional with the time we spend with David and Evy recently, knowing that big changes are just around the corner! We pray with them, ask them what questions they have, take the time to explain things. I'm hoping they'll be set up pretty well for the transition of little sis coming in March but most of the work will happen after she gets here! How did you help littles prepare for baby?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! ❤️ Merry Christmas from the Damons! ❤️
The 12+ hour drive is worth it 😊 The 12+ hour drive is worth it 😊
We took the kids to baby's 20 week anatomy scan to We took the kids to baby's 20 week anatomy scan today and here's how it went. Have you ever brought kids to one of these appointments??
Bet you thought we were done!! 😂 We've kept it Bet you thought we were done!! 😂 We've kept it our little secret for a while but I'm so excited to let the cat out of the bag that baby #3 will be here March 2023 💙💗💗
When we know a new foster placement is coming, we When we know a new foster placement is coming, we might have a couple days or just a couple hours to prepare 😳 In any case, these are a few of the things we try to get done beforehand that help us to be more "in the moment" when he or she arrives. Would you add anything to this list?
The thing about not so simple times is that they r The thing about not so simple times is that they really make you appreciate the simple ones 🖤 

So grateful for this little fam of ours and let me just say, now that we live in the south, fall has definitely become my favorite season 🍂 The weather is 👌👌👌 meaning I can sit outside for more than 5 minutes and not break a sweat. There's so many fun festivals, and the kids go crazy pointing out all the spooky Halloween decorations and fall colors 🎃 I wish I could slow down the stage of life we're in but making memories like these will do the trick.
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divorce & separation, Marriage, Relationships · April 26, 2016

The #2 reason for conflict in marriage

Do you ever find yourself washing the dishes and you look over at your husband and you realize the he, in fact, is not washing the dishes? In fact, he doesn’t seem to be doing much at all… and you’re pretty sure he got a nap today. You didn’t get a nap today. In fact, you did 100 things besides take a nap today. So why are you doing dishes again? Oh right, because you’re the maid, not the wife. Does this thought process pang a little close to your heart? Does it sound familiar?

Hey Chicas,

Do you ever find yourself washing the dishes and you look over at your husband and you realize the he, in fact, is not washing the dishes? In fact, he doesn’t seem to be doing much at all… and you’re pretty sure he got a nap today. You didn’t get a nap today. In fact, you did 100 things besides take a nap today. So why are you doing dishes again? Oh right, because you’re the maid, not the wife.

Does this thought process pang a little close to your heart? Does it sound familiar?

The funny thing is, (besides the fact that it’s completely not funny in the moment) that I was having thoughts a lot like this today. And I had just gotten done trying to encourage a woman who was struggling with feelings of resentment for her husband for something that happened a long time ago, telling her how destructive that can be….

I honestly felt like I had a an angel and a devil on each of my shoulders, remembering my earlier conversation, and then remembering that I felt like a maid at the time.

After a couple of over exaggerated huffs and puffs, Josh asked, “Are you being grumpy right now?” Grasping composure, I replied, “I would like you to ask me if I need help.” So he asked, I said yes, and then he helped.

A few months ago I ran a survey on Living the Sweet Wife for a couple of weeks. When I got to just about 1000 responses, I took it down and looked at the results. At first I was pretty surprised. And then, to be honest, I wasn’t so much. Because I could see the results of this survey in my own marriage. And I’m pretty sure I won’t be the only one.

Here’s a picture of the question and survey results I got:

The # 2 reason for conflict in marriage

As you can see, I asked LTSW readers,

“If you could pick one, what would be the reason for most disagreements between you and your spouse?”

(Take note that 96% of all LTSW readers are women, with the largest age group percentage falling between 25-34 years old, although other age groups aren’t far behind).

So as you could have guessed, the #1 reason for conflict in marriage is all about the monayyy. Ok, no surprise there. But look at number 2! I was sure it was going to be something like communication or lack of passion or something, but nope! It was BAD ATTITUDES! Although I was pretty surprised at first, I ended up nodding my head to that stat once I realized, “Yeah, I guess that’s pretty accurate.” In fact, that’s probably been the number one reason for conflict within my own marriage! (Josh and I are try pretty hard to be on the same page about money stuff).

So what’s the reason for all these bad attitudes in marriages?

I’ve thought about it and I’ve broken it down to two categories:

1 Expectations

For some reason, there’s a crazy side of me that hopes I will come home to a house that is cleaner than how I left it that morning when I left for work. But when when I walk in the door and greet my toddler, who occupied himself by taking out all the dishes from the low cupboards, and my husband who found a few moments peace in letting him do so, my hopes die. I still get this weird expectation that after years of knowing my husband, that maybe today will be the day that he sees the mess without me pointing it out to him.

And while I’m pondering all this in my mind, he’s thinking, “Hey Chels! Glad you’re home!”

And then the grumbling starts happening. “Yeah I bet you are.”

2 Entitlement

When our expectations don’t get met, we start to feel feelings. Feelings like anger, resentment, maybe even disgust. We start to remember all the other times he didn’t jump to help with the dishes in the past. We might even begin to assume that he has no respect for us because he’s probably over there thinking that dishes are our job. We jump to a whole bunch of unfavorable conclusions and we begin to realize that we deserve better.

This my friends, is where it gets dangerous.

This thought of deserving better can catch fire and quickly bring so much pain into a marriage! That’s not to say that we aren’t to have expectations for our husbands, quite the contrary (read my post about putting up with husbands’ crap). But when thoughts of deserving better behavior and treatment turn into deserving someone better, that’s when the real danger rolls in.

This is when giving up on a marriage can become a real threat, even when you thought it never would. I’ve been able to tell that this is starting to happen in a marriage when a husband or wife no longer gets irked by the mess (or the thing they used to get frustrated by). They instead internalize the frustration and add bricks to the wall of resentment they started building a long time ago.

How to protect your marriage from resentment

Communicate

First of all openly communicate your expectations and frustrations with your spouse. So many times when I become frustrated with my husband, I realize that he has no idea why! Try so hard to stay calm when confronting him, however many times you may have brought it up before.

Protect your marriage from resentment by assuming the best and communicating openly #marriedforlife
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Meet him halfway

If he’s a repeat offender, but willing to try, ask him what you need to do to make him remember. Josh and I have agreed that if I want something done while I’m away, I need to write it down on a piece of paper and leave it in a place that is extremely obvious. Otherwise, it’s like I never asked.

Give him the benefit of the doubt

Like I said in the first pointer, many times our husbands don’t even realize they’re missing the mark! Instead of assuming that your husband doesn’t care about you or is lazy, try assuming that however unaware, he does love you and respect you.

Don’t be an enabler!

I’ve had so many worn out, frustrated wives come to me telling me how their husbands don’t pitch in, they don’t help around the house, and they’re basically just another one of the children. I can’t help but think, however, that he became a lazy, entitled oaf overnight. If you find that your husband IS being lazy, make his life a little more difficult, don’t just step in because you know he won’t do it and then build up a wall of resentment. Responsibilities in a marriage do need to be shared and husbands do need to serve their wives. He might not be able to make your famous chicken dinner, but if you want a night off cooking, tell him where the pasta is, and if we won’t make the pasta, he can have some toast.

*This needs to be done with respect for your husband still in tact. Husband’s need to feel respected in order to step up to be the men they want them to be. Disrespecting them and tearing them down will only hurt our plans to help him help himself.*

Don’t forget your own flaws

When I find myself at the kitchen sink looking over at my husband on the couch, it’s especially easy for me to remember all the things he doesn’t do in those moments and to think of myself as better and more respectable than him. It’s not as easy to remember all the sacrifices my husband has made for me when I don’t deserve it, how he read books to our son while I slept in the other morning, or how his job provides for our family.

Either way, I don’t know about you guys, but when we said our marriage vows, we didn’t recite the words, “Until I end up doing more than my share of the work.” We said for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I’m pretty sure we meant it back then, and we’re trying pretty hard to still mean it today.

How do you communicate to your husband that you need him to change something? Do you need to go to ridiculous lengths to make sure he remembers a task? Where have you left notes to make sure he sees them. Share your thoughts in the comments below and Tweet with the hashtags #sweetwife #marriedforlife

Love you all!

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In: divorce & separation, Marriage, Relationships · Tagged: conflict, confrontation, divorce, entitlement, expectations, fights, forgiveness, love, marriage, resentment, Respect, walls

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Comments

  1. Rachel says

    April 29, 2016 at 5:10 pm

    Interesting results! I think expectations play a huge role in things. We all need to be better about managing them!

  2. Christina Rambo says

    April 29, 2016 at 5:21 pm

    Truth. This is SO good. SO good. Communicate. Communicate. Communicate. I used to be terrible at communication because I didn’t want to be the “nagging” wife. But… because I didn’t ask for help, I never got it. There is a difference between asking and nagging. My husband helps EVERY time I ask… I just need to communicate. And remembering my own flaws… so important. Great post.

    • Maryann says

      May 10, 2016 at 2:28 am

      Thank you for pointing out my faults, I never realized before.

  3. Kim Munoz says

    April 29, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    I wouldn’t say we argue about this because we are both pretty good at letting go of things but we both have felt this way. I think the fact that I am medically unable to work outside the home has been a big burden on him. I know he doesn’t see it as a burden, but it makes more work for him. So I try harder to keep things up at home. Then when I over do it and am beyond exhausted, I get angry. More at myself than him though lol.

  4. Christine @ The Mostly Simple Life says

    April 30, 2016 at 1:05 am

    It’s so hard when we’re both exhausted but things still need to get done. Lots and lots of communication help a lot, but it’s really frustrating when I feel like I’m doing most of the chores. It might be our most common argument, but we’re getting better about it.

  5. Erica @ Coming Up Roses says

    May 2, 2016 at 2:44 pm

    This is SUCH a good, well-thought-out and well-executed post girlfriend. And it’s so TRUE. I’ve found expectations that go uncommunicated to be the worst in my own relationship. When you think/feel something, it’s just better to calmly bring it up and talk it out and NOT feel entitled to anything…it’s all about that teamwork and communication!

    Coming Up Roses

  6. Amy says

    May 3, 2016 at 2:17 am

    We are currently dealing with this in our relationship. We just had our third baby and I feel like I’m DROWNING with everything there is to get done around the house. I finally realized that I couldn’t do things the way I did with two kids, the third adds a whole other dimension! I needed my hubby to help out more, so I asked him to help with specific chores instead of vaguely asking for more help. He got really defensive and offended, which I expected, since it’s happened before. He thinks he is doing his best right now. How do I communicate that I really need more help without him getting defensive?

    • Chelsea says

      May 3, 2016 at 6:09 pm

      Hi Amy! I’m glad that you’re being honest with yourself and your husband with how you feel. Many times our husbands can become defensive when we ask them to help out more because they feel as if they’re not providing enough. I would say to first affirm your husband and make sure he knows you appreciate everything he does, and then be honest about how you feel like you’re drowning under the work of having a third child and taking care of your home and you’re at a loss to know what to do. After that is communicated, if your husband still really feels like there’s just no way he can contribute to taking on more responsibilities around the house, it might be necessary to readjust what is a “normal” standard of living in your home. That might mean not making sure the toys are put away each night, or having your children learn how to do some age-appropriate chores like cleaning up after themselves. Sometimes readjusting your expectations, as hard as it might be at first, is all it will take to not be overwhelmed by the housework/management in front of you.
      I hope that helps, Amy! I’ll be praying for you and your husband to find a solution that honors God and each other. Thanks for reading the blog and commenting!
      Chels

    • Sarah Taylor says

      March 16, 2017 at 10:39 am

      Amy, your husband sounds a lot like mine. I need the same advice.

  7. Kim~madeinaday says

    May 4, 2016 at 9:17 pm

    Great post and very thought provoking and yes I am guilty of the bad attitude! Stopping by to let you know you are being featured on Friday’s P3 Party post! Have a great week! Thanks for pinning!
    Best,
    Kim

  8. Valerie says

    May 15, 2016 at 5:06 am

    Love your blog and your posts, Chelsea! You have a wonderful ministry here!

    • Chelsea says

      May 18, 2016 at 4:47 pm

      Thank you Valerie! I love yours too! Thanks for joining me on Pinterest!

      • Valerie says

        May 19, 2016 at 1:30 am

        I would love for you to share this post tomorrow at the #100HappyDays Link-Up. Here’s the link if you’re interested.http://www.cordof6.com/100-happy-days-30/

  9. Healing Mama says

    June 20, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    I really love this post! I can relate. This actually is the number 1 conflict in or marriage. I swear we get into arguments about helping with house work once a month. I really need to think of a way to figure this out! Great post!

  10. Beth says

    January 30, 2017 at 12:00 am

    After decades of marriage, we still struggle with his cleaning. We even went to marriage counselling over it. I think that its hard wired in him not to see or do..as hard wired as it’s in me to do too much. We’ve conquered money issues, retirement, military life, and endless losses but we are really clueless about the do too much/do to little issue around the house.
    Beth

  11. Cyndi says

    December 25, 2017 at 6:06 am

    Love this post chelsea! especially love the emphasis on not allowing resentment to creep in, and taking practical steps to balance things out, without disrespecting your spouse.

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Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.

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Naturally, when we see a need, we rush in to fill Naturally, when we see a need, we rush in to fill it and fix it. On top of this, it’s hard for us to ask for help because we don’t want to be a burden to others. 

But in the process of meeting everyone else’s needs and neglecting our own (especially our need for rest), we often become bitter towards the ones we’re helping.

Instead, one of the best things we can do as a wife or mother is to assess our own needs and make sure to leave space to meet them ourself or to ask for what we need. 

It might be time to rest, help with the next meal, time alone to pray and meditate on God’s word, or allowing yourself to leave a task un-done so you can “selfishly” enjoy a hobby of yours like the rest of your family gets to do. 

In the end, making room to find joy each day may be one of the best things you do for your relationships.
30 weeks and counting down the days til we meet yo 30 weeks and counting down the days til we meet you. We *think* we've finally settled on a first name after non-stop back-and-forth and brainstorming. Any guesses?? Or.. what are your favorite baby girl names right now??
Saturday highlights 🖤 We've been trying to be s Saturday highlights 🖤 We've been trying to be super intentional with the time we spend with David and Evy recently, knowing that big changes are just around the corner! We pray with them, ask them what questions they have, take the time to explain things. I'm hoping they'll be set up pretty well for the transition of little sis coming in March but most of the work will happen after she gets here! How did you help littles prepare for baby?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! ❤️ Merry Christmas from the Damons! ❤️

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Naturally, when we see a need, we rush in to fill Naturally, when we see a need, we rush in to fill it and fix it. On top of this, it’s hard for us to ask for help because we don’t want to be a burden to others. 

But in the process of meeting everyone else’s needs and neglecting our own (especially our need for rest), we often become bitter towards the ones we’re helping.

Instead, one of the best things we can do as a wife or mother is to assess our own needs and make sure to leave space to meet them ourself or to ask for what we need. 

It might be time to rest, help with the next meal, time alone to pray and meditate on God’s word, or allowing yourself to leave a task un-done so you can “selfishly” enjoy a hobby of yours like the rest of your family gets to do. 

In the end, making room to find joy each day may be one of the best things you do for your relationships.
30 weeks and counting down the days til we meet yo 30 weeks and counting down the days til we meet you. We *think* we've finally settled on a first name after non-stop back-and-forth and brainstorming. Any guesses?? Or.. what are your favorite baby girl names right now??
Saturday highlights 🖤 We've been trying to be s Saturday highlights 🖤 We've been trying to be super intentional with the time we spend with David and Evy recently, knowing that big changes are just around the corner! We pray with them, ask them what questions they have, take the time to explain things. I'm hoping they'll be set up pretty well for the transition of little sis coming in March but most of the work will happen after she gets here! How did you help littles prepare for baby?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! ❤️ Merry Christmas from the Damons! ❤️
The 12+ hour drive is worth it 😊 The 12+ hour drive is worth it 😊
We took the kids to baby's 20 week anatomy scan to We took the kids to baby's 20 week anatomy scan today and here's how it went. Have you ever brought kids to one of these appointments??
Bet you thought we were done!! 😂 We've kept it Bet you thought we were done!! 😂 We've kept it our little secret for a while but I'm so excited to let the cat out of the bag that baby #3 will be here March 2023 💙💗💗
When we know a new foster placement is coming, we When we know a new foster placement is coming, we might have a couple days or just a couple hours to prepare 😳 In any case, these are a few of the things we try to get done beforehand that help us to be more "in the moment" when he or she arrives. Would you add anything to this list?
The thing about not so simple times is that they r The thing about not so simple times is that they really make you appreciate the simple ones 🖤 

So grateful for this little fam of ours and let me just say, now that we live in the south, fall has definitely become my favorite season 🍂 The weather is 👌👌👌 meaning I can sit outside for more than 5 minutes and not break a sweat. There's so many fun festivals, and the kids go crazy pointing out all the spooky Halloween decorations and fall colors 🎃 I wish I could slow down the stage of life we're in but making memories like these will do the trick.
If I was a... according to Josh 😋 What would yo If I was a... according to Josh 😋 What would your spouse say?? #ifiwasachallenge

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