4 Signs You’re Doing Too Much for Your Husband
Do you ever find the words, “It’s ok, I’ll do it…” leaving your mouth before you can even think twice about it and then you end up thinking “Whyyyyy did I say yes to that?!?!?!”
I’ve been told before that I have pretty natural mom skills. It makes sense, I have a wonderful mom! But… in some of those mom skills hides the curse of feeling the need to take care of everyone, even if they don’t really need it. I find myself jumping in and thinking as though I’m needed when, in reality, I’m not. With these mom skill comes the tendency to question my husband’s judgement. And yeah, sometimes I may totally know how to do something better than him. Like manage our finances, or cook dinner. And sometimes I have to hide my cringing face when I see him put that weird spice in with the chicken and I have to hold myself back from jumping in and taking over because I like how I do it. I know that sometimes it is better for me to eat chicken that tastes kind of funny and have let him cook the meal- when he said he would- than to have jumped in and have it the way I like it.
All that to say, here are a few ways we are telling our husbands that we really don’t trust them:
You don’t let him do anything
I remember one time asking my husband to send out a package at the post office. I remember after a couple minutes of giving him directions and answering questions, I eventually just said “Nevermind, I’ll do it.” To be honest, he was relieved that he didn’t have to make the extra stop. But I realized then that, just because I did this certain thing more than him, doesn’t mean it’s impossible for him to learn. It doesn’t mean he can’t do it. And I’m creating way more work for myself because I don’t trust my husband to handle it. I’m sure some of you may have much better examples than me, but I’m sure we’ve all done this at one time or another, making life harder on ourselves because we feel that, “If you want it done right, you should do it yourself.”
While subtle, this can be a major way to undermine your husband’s leaderships skills and ability to make decisions on his own. I have seen way too many marriage dynamics where the wife is the head of the family and makes all the decisions and the husband is made to be just another child who happens to earn an income. No one wants a marriage like that. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to ever question your husband. In fact, questioning is actually a really good skill to have, being that it enables critical thinking and the ability to discern bad situations from good ones. BUT. When we constantly question our husband’s judgment and ideas, we subtly say that we don’t think they are good or smart enough.
This one takes it a step further than simply questioning your husband’s ideas or judgments. When we argue with our husband, we are saying “I really really don’t believe you know what you’re doing, and I believe I know better than you.” You know, sometimes that might be the case. Sometimes you may know how to do something better than your husband. And it’s okay to bring up an “argument” as to why you should do something differently. But it really shouldn’t turn into a heated argument. Sometimes a huge sign that you trust your husband is letting them make certain decisions and going along with them even if it’s not what you would decide. Please know that I am in no way advocating blindly following your husband into what you know will lead to a bad situation. We have brains and we can use them. But showing that you trust your husband will go a long way to build up his morale and confidence and will actually empower him to be more of a leader.
Bring up past mistakes (or at least think of them often)
Although people don’t usually change, they can grow. I’m not the same person I was when my husband and I first married, and neither is he. Not only have I changed somewhat as a person, I’ve also learned- like- a lot. And so has he! So if, maybe, he screwed something up in the past, give him the chance to try again. Give him the chance to learn again. When we always take on all the responsibility, we’re stealing away the opportunity for our husbands to learn and to lead.
Let’s be honest, what are some ways we do too much for our husbands (not in the sense that we clean up after them too much) but ways in which we become helicopter wives and watch and supervise their every move? Ever done this? What made you stop?
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Love you guys!
I actually wrote something similar a while back about a few points you made http://therelationshipblogger.com/what-to-do-when-you-have-a-bigger-dick-than-your-man (excuse the name, it was worded like that for a friend which I regret now!)
Kim S says
omg, i am so guilty of not letting him do things because i feel like my way is best. This causes big fights between us….always when we have a newborn baby. I totally need to learn to NOT be such an overbearing mom. I agree that that only way he’ll learn is to be hands on.
Heather @ Simply Save says
Great post…I’m sure a lot of people do this without even realizing and can relate!
I am so with you here! I think a lot of women have trouble letting go of the reigns, but it ultimately puts them in a more stressful situation. My sister always did everything around the house and with the kids because she liked to have control and didn’t think her husband would do anything right. I made her leave the house with me for several hours over lunch and naptime, and guess what? He figured it out! We need to be more trusting of our husbands : )
Marci Smith says
I’m definitely guilty of all of these things. I’m working really hard to build my husband up and allow him to lead the home like he needs to!
This is true.Another thing is you ask him to do xyz like the dishes and then you go redo them.Stop.Don’t do it.If he vaccums wrong at least it is done.If he scrubs the tub wrong at least he did it.If you must redo it do it when he is away
Love this post! I definitely agree wholeheartedly. My fiance doesn’t offer to do house work very often but when he does I usually say “no I got it” when I should just welcome the help.
Oh man. I have to remind myself of this. It seems like it’s a mix between letting them do it and patiently supporting/reminding them. I went from being in charge of everything while my hubby was finishing his clinicals to giving up the reigns completely. Which also didn’t work out completely. Being a true “helpmeet” is such a hard balance. Thanks for the reminders!
Heather with WELLFITandFED says
Mine is going in behind him and touching up the job he already did. Talk about demeaning. he has done it to me a few times in the recent past and t is infuriating. Ha ha. I have made a point not to do it anymore!
Casey Capra says
Wow, these are great thoughts… I’m a new wife and always looking for tips like these!!!
Tired of being told how to be a "better wife" says
I’m sorry but why do we need to cater to stroke their egos. I’m so sick of seeing all these posts about “how to be a better wife”. Where are all the posts about “how to be a better husband”. This is creating a culture that it is our job to make our husbands feel important and secure and not let their egos get low. I respect my husband and he respects me, not because we “stroke each other’s egos” but we know where our strengths lie and aren’t offended when we need to ask each other the best way to do things that they are good at doing.
I get where you are coming from; I was there two years ago. I ended up leaving because he wasn’t mentally stable enough for a family. (Nothing against those with metal disabilities, but I need to be able to feel like my kids will be alive when I come home.) I read these to help myself with my second marriage, to remember to not do everything! Really, this is the best one I’ve read, because it doesn’t tell you a hundred things to do, just one: let your husband help! We take on enough as is without taking our spouse’s duties too.
There are a ton of posts out there, if you go searching for them. If you’re finding them all on Pinterest, it’s because Pinterest is mainly women re-posting things for women.
Men make the same exact complaints about all the posts for men being better men, gentlemen, etc, and are crying, “Where are all the posts like these for women!” And I tell them, “trust me, they’re there.”
You can go find the ones for men if you look (take a two second search on Google for “ways to be a gentleman” or “be a better husband” or “things every wife needs”). They just don’t get thrown around on Pinterest because Pinterest is so female-dominated.
I see absolutely nothing wrong with stroking your man’s ego or building him up. That’s what marriage is for, and yes, we expect it both ways, but we can’t control their part–only ours. Sheesh.
This post is great and if your respectful marriage was so wonderful nothing would have led you to read this post or wonder why there aren’t any for men. Every wife is a king maker, or should be. You call it stroking his ego, I call it love and respect. And btw, most women have no problem stroking anyone’s ego except their husbands, which is a big problem. Everyone should read this post and live by it.
Dont exalt yOur husband honey!!
Well said. Same can be said of cheating or degrading constantly.
I think you’re missing the point of a marriage. It IS your job to reinforce your faith in your spouses ability to make decisions. Call it “stroking their ego”, but life gives us enough blasts to our confidence; if your spouse or significant other can’t help make you feel as if you can live like an adult, then what’s the point of being in a committed relationship? My dad and stepmom have been married for over 30 years and are more in love today than they were yesterday and do you know what they attribute that to? The thought they have each morning when they wake up…”What can I do to ‘out serve my spouse today?” This isn’t to be mistaken with the notion they believe they should cater to every whim and demand of each other; it simply means how can they make the other ones life that much better throughout the day. They work very hard to reassure one another that they are important, valued, intelligent, strong, attractive, wanted AND needed (although not TOO needed, because then it becomes an entirely different thing.)
So, yes; do your job of making your spouse feel incredible, because, at the end of the day, don’t you want to feel the same? Yes, I completely agree with the idea that it shouldn’t solely rely on them; it’s up to YOU to make yourself feel good too. However, you’re sharing your life, love, fears and insecurities with them. Let them boost your ego once in awhile and return the favor from time to time, as well.
Sarah Taylor says
Yes!. I couldn’t have said it better.
Guys need to be needed, if you do everything and especially if.you take control away from them,or are critical of what they have done they will stop trying to please you and probably start to withdraw from you. Its not about stroking egos. If you love him and he loves I,its good to try to keep in mind that its a relationship and as such needs to be a work in progress. Each person giving 100 percent not expecting the other to do anything but love you. Out of true love, all other things will come about. Been married to the same man for 30 years.
December 8, 2017
We have got to stoP being mean and bitchy to GirLs and women. Please stop this. The husband and the wIfe botH, need encouraging and uplifting. Both need ego stroking. See, We have just been so busy brainwashed Women and giRls to exalt men and it has DESTROYED the femaLe’s seLf esteem, so much so that we ignore our needs and begin worshipping our dads and our husbands! This is wrong!! .
Lets teach the husbands to sroke their Wives eGos too. Lets remind husbands of the body ailments that thier wives go thoeugh all the time. We are to stroke Both egos.
Its a new day peopLe. Women are not Going to be taken for granted and DISRESPECTED anymore.women are the real backbone of the family and other grouPs. Hiw do tiu think a lot of situations dont turn DISASTROUS? WOmen!
There is something that is called “over responsible” and it is something that is not good for any relationship, whether it be the wife or husband that acts in this manner. Check out “over responsibilty” on google.
I’m guilty of a few of these points and I completely agree with everything you’ve said. It’s just hard to let go of the control freak in me sometimes.
I’m sooooo guilty of this! Luckily, my husband realizes it’s not just him. I try to “fix” everyone and everything. Always “That’s okay, I can do it!”
Or going behind him and “improving” a little bit.
Sometimes it’s hard to leave things as is, when
my OCD nature kicks in.
I need to read this on a daily basis. Maybe I can retrain myself (and hubby) to work together more. He can’t learn if I won’t let him help.
I have to disagree with the first statement. Not every relationship is the same and not all of us consistently have two people bringing in income. There are some people out there, like me for example, who does not justify spending more money than what I could bring in on day-care. I stay at home with my kids, home-school my oldest, take care of errands and household duties, as well as going to school full-time. I feel proud knowing I am able to take care of errands and tasks that my husband does not do during his free time. Its not because he is selfish, lazy or just wants to task everything off to me. My husband is a Kitchen Manager and he works a lot more than just 40 hours per week at the restaurant, and the time he is not at work, he is consistently working on his music, producing/mixing/mastering his music, filming for videos, putting art together for his album/social media/website, and a laundry list of things just to be a musician. Of course, I help him during this process, but its because I support him and his music. He does the same for me with everything I believe in, so I feel this compromise is only fair, especially if it leads to him getting a record deal!
Becky Henshaw says
My husband ANd I have been married for 20 years I cheated on him in the first year 17 years later he left me for my best friend came back to me and then left me again a year-and-a-half later he wanted to come back now I have huge trust issues. How do I trust again?
WOw, i wish this was not me that i need to clean up, replace things my spouse breaks, go to his rescue by stopping everything i’m doing and bring to his work something he left at home, overnight his computer that he forget to bring to a out of state business meeting, have key fob replaced (over $300) when he forgets where he left his keys….. I recently found out he had attention defict disorder as a child and still has it as an adult. i don’t want to act like his mother, but he refuses to get help for his condition. i’m wondering if i am giving him too much grace or enabling his bad behavior. help!
You are enabling his behavior. By continuing to help him live his life without experiencing the ramifications of his actions and instead, shouldering them yourself, you are enabling him to continue to ignore his disability. You’re not his mom, you’re his wife. you’re not responsible for picking up after him, just for loving him through the journey of diagnosis and treatment. xx
I read this article feeling like im in the Boat of Role reversal here where my Husband doesnt give me the benefit of a doubt or secon chances. Im Not tryng to make my a vicTim! But what advice do you have For someone who Feels they are in the opposite postion here?
Megan | Ginger Mom and Company says
I was definiteLY one of the ones who needed to hear this. Thank you for sharing it.
Hi well first of all i just let my mind go and googled my feelings (thoughts) At the moment and researched article in google all located this article “answering my question” badly enough im too much o a woman being born female an coming from a single mom with three girls all us A year apart and being single since the last one was born with county help and trying to grow well i get pregnant from a Mexican boy really young 20 then turning 30 with already 2 boys and still
L with this Mexican under county help since i just got
LAid off an always solving our status never letting my family down I just feel not goood for him ot him not good for me im smart cant so more for me first left school to care for Sisters who had opportunity to study i was to much of a rebel my mom said after struggling on elementary with a non english mother and luck for my sister they did have me to help them was alone other that all this i end up pregnant from my kids dad and got together With him 28 at that time 2012 now me 30 him 36 still with visa me more full And intellectual what could i do