Why My Husband was never “The One”[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/268400706″ params=”color=8c0e55&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]
To all the ladies out there, married or hoping to one day take the plunge, this message is for you. It’s something that I quite frequently heard the opposite of growing up (not necessarily from my parents as my mother is a wonderful example of what God can do with a second marriage but more so from an idealistic culture that I think many of us experienced growing up). And it’s quite sad really. This whole idea that there is “the one” waiting for you out there. You might be thinking, “Sad?? That’s not sad!” And yes I will admit that it does have a romantic notion. And yes, there is a person out there that you will most likely marry someday. Or maybe you’ve already found him! Sweet!
The sad thing is- someone, somewhere started the rumor that there one person- one perfect mate- out there waiting for you to find him. He is your destiny and the only person with whom you can be completely happy. And so, if you’re like me, you grew up with this fear that what if you were never in the right place at the right time? And what if your paths never crossed at the right moment?
OR- worse- what if you “realize” that the man you’re with now is not the one? What then?? Are we to live our lives under the assumption that we can never be as happy with this man as we could have been with the one? Or do we leave this “Oops, sorry, wrong one!” of a marriage and set out to go find the one that will finally complete us?
Ok, there’s a lot of rhetorical questions there. But I hope you’re taking a moment to think about them!
Here are several (good) reasons why I believe that my husband and your husband are not our soulmates:
In the words of Justin Bieber…
“The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.” Justin- thank you- for those words of wisdom. Ladies, the point here is simple. Marriage is all about choices. Yes, choices like which load of laundry more desperately needs to get done today, lights or darks. But also more important choices than that. Choices like, am I going to treat my spouse like we are on the same team? Am I going to love him (and serve him) even when he’s not at his best? If my marriage doesn’t look how I thought it would when we said our vows, am I still going to keep them?
Lots of times it feels as thought it would be a crap ton easier to just quit and start over. I like doing this when my husband starts beating me at video games. But marriage doesn’t have a reset button. And the choices you make don’t just affect you. My point is, if you make the choices that nourish and condition and strengthen (sounds like a shampoo commercial) your marriage, your marriage will, in fact, grown stronger.
Excuses, excuses, excuses
In my experience as a married lady, I have found that most of the reasons- whatever they may be- for my unhappiness in marriage are all my husband’s fault.
Gotcha! Totally kidding. Well, mostly kidding.
Most of the time, my unhappiness and discontentedness comes from finding that my expectations for my husband are unmet. In fact, sometimes they are so estranged, I think to myself that I was crazy to ever expect them to have been acquainted in the first place. The entire idea of a soulmate or “the one” places all the pressure of marital happiness on our spouse being perfect for us.
(Read: The Huge Problem in Every Marriage that No One Talks About!)
My fear is, if we believe in the notion that we are destined to one specific person in this world, and then we find out that it’s not really working with this person that we married over here…. we will use the excuse that there’s someone out there better for us, to leave the man we committed ourselves to.
I don’t believe simply falling out of love or realizing that your husband wasn’t the one are reasons to leave. Plain as that. I think they make us feel better about leaving (and feel entitled to leave) the life we committed to.
To you who believes that God has a plan for your life:
He does!! And I’m so glad that you believe that he does. I’ll tell you what his plan is in the most simplest terms I can: Since God is the greatest thing that can happen to any person ever (and He knows this- because He’s God) His plan for you is that you know Him and love Him deeply and intimately, and that others would get to know Him through knowing you. That is God’s plan for your life. Many of us stress ourselves the heck out by thinking that God has a step-by-step detailed plan for our lives and if we step too far to the right or left that we will suddenly be out of God’s will. And yes, I believe that God can and does plan specific things for specific people’s lives, but that’s his business to know and most of those people don’t realize what God was up to until later! What God does ask us to do is to live our lives loving and trusting him, and he’ll fill in the details.
All this to say, I don’t see any evidence in the Bible that makes me think that God has one specific man in mind for you. (The only places where God specifically organized a marriage are, from my humble knowledge, Adam and Eve, Hosea and Gomer, and then Mary and Joseph. But even they were just trying to live lives that honored God and God brought all of those details together Himself).
My point is- what God wants, if you get married, is for you to love that man you married with all you got!
Choosing to love the man you married, whether your marriage is the best thing ever or totally not what you’d thought it would be, is just that- a choice. The man you married IS the one. He’s the one you promised to love in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, and he is the one who is worth you time, respect, love, and investment. Investing in your marriage will only bring more value and more strength.
To the girl who is worried about finding the one: relax, enjoy your life, love God, let him come when he does, and love him the best you can.
Love you guys!
Guys. I have another website called New Kid on The Blog that I made to help people like you create blogs just like this one! Blogging is my favorite and I think you could do it, too! Click the link to start your own blogging adventure!
Absolutely loved this article!! So very true. I had to come to this realization in my own marriage years ago and had to reaffirm this recently!!
So glad to have come across you on Pinterest tonight.
This is spot on. All about the promise. I have lived 36 years with the most perfectly imperfect man on the planet. We are not the same as we were then. We are not always happy. We do not always make each other happy. Happiness is also a decision It’s hard to be happy when you are sick or your son has shot himself. He has been sick more of those years than he has been well. He has flaws oh boy But so does every one else. In those 36 years I have seen lots of marriages fail for a lost less than all the sickness and poorer job loss after job loss one distasterous drama filled situation after another. Really people it’s a commitment . It is not a fairy tale it is life and it’s messy this is who you promised to go through it with. We all change over the decades looks personality you name it. It’s about the promise.
New vowels should say something to the extent I will live with you until someone who appeals to me a little better comes along. If you will never change and promise to do everything that is about me all the time. Because that seems to be how people are interning into and out of marriage.
Unfortunately some times you can love someone and give it your all and in the end they don’t love you and they leave. Articles like this don’t help the feeling of complete failure, especially in Gods eyes.
Hi “Me” (wish I knew your real name)
I just wanted to say that I feel so deeply sorry for the loss of your marriage. I wish there was something I could say to make it feel better, but I will probably do a horrible job at trying to console you all on my own. My humble advice is that you seek the Lord and His peace that goes beyond our understanding.
I wanted to share this with you:
I was once talking with a college graduate student about his desire to become a marriage counselor. He told me his philosophy about marriage strife was this: that conflict and trouble in marriage always boiled down to an issue with communication. I stared blankly for a while wondering how someone could think it was that easy. I realized then that he wasn’t actually married and never had any kind of experience with a human on the intimate and vulnerable level of what we have in marriage. The truth is, human beings have way more problems than just communication. We deal with pride, selfishness, lust, deceitfulness, greed, envy, and all sorts of insecurities. And these can’t all be fixed with a good talk. These things are human nature to the core and without Christ in the picture, we can’t even hope to begin to get over them. And sometimes the hard truth is that our spouse may just be unwilling to communicate, unwilling to seek out God and what would please Him, and unwilling to reconcile the relationship no matter what a godly and loving spouse might do.
I want you to know that God does not see you as a failure. He loves you so much and wants you to draw on His strength and feel confident and forgiven of all sin by Him. His desire isn’t for you to feel outcast, but to feel loved and accepted. No matter how our life circumstances may change, for the good or the horrible, God never changes, and His desire and longing for us never changes either.
Thank you, “Me,” for taking the time to visit LTSW and I hope you come again. Please don’t hesitate to contact me.
All my love,
Me, do feel your pain. I felt that if I did everything I could to be and do everything right, and pray and give him time and put my faith in God everything would be ok. I was talking to a friend and she ask me how I was doing, I told her what I was doing and what I believed that I thought everything would work out. She looked at me with a smile that was a bit sad, and said that is great but keep in mind you can do everything right and pray and God can do everything he can do. Rember God gave him free will and sometime that is what it comes down to. Me, you can love someone with all your heart and give all you have to give and even try and be everything he needs but he gave us feel will. Rest in the knowledge you did everything you could and God did not leave you he walked beside you the whole time and he is still right there to help you heal. God bless you and know you are not alone even though you may feel it, again we have feel will, choose to know God loves you and proud of your good fight.
Me, I don’t know you or your situation, but I hope I have some encouragement for you today, as this is my intent with my reply. I’ve recently walked a pretty terrifying path that was similar to what you describe. Two days after my husband left us (after 20 years of marriage and on the first night of the school year, thank you) I called my pastor. I go to a “mega” church here in Texas and our pastor didn’t personally know me. But I left a message with his secretary anyway, because I was in dire straits and I believe you always go back to the basics in crisis. I never said my husband’s name to her. Within 15 minutes he called me back! And it was “after hours”. He said “Hello, Kathy. Tell me what’s going on”. Being the godly man, I was expecting Godly counsel, scripture, prayer, and I got that. But I didn’t expect his very first comment, and I want to share it with you too, because it applies. He said “Kathy, first and foremost, YOU ARE GOING TO BE OK.” No scripture, no spiritually enlightened anything- but probably the most perfect word He could have said and I could have received. He then went on to tell me this, too: “I don’t know if God will restore your marriage, we will pray for that, but I want you to know THERE WILL BE RESTORATION EITHER WAY. ”
I want you to know this, too. You are not a failure, you are not to live in shame. If you did everything you could and were still left behind, that’s on him- not you. Even if you made mistake after mistake, that’s not a reason by itself to leave. And even if there is Biblical grounds to leave, nothing says one has to. It can be as simple as one giving up on the other. And I’m sorry if that is your story. You deserved better.
God has a plan for good in your life. And it involves restoration. Either way.
Amen! I agree 1000% with this comment from “Me”. Sometimes it’s simply the wrong man you’ve (we’ve) married. When a man isn’t sent (emphasis on sent) by God or is not God fearing, that alone can create trouble in the marriage. Unfortunately a woman can do all she knows to (cry, pray, fast, beg, the whole 9) make her marriage work when the reality of it is, it’s not going to work. Sometimes with “that” person, it’s just not meant to be. That’s why it is so important and I repeat, so important to wait on God to send you/me/us a man after His own heart. The Bible says He who finds a wife fins a good thing. That’s key before entering a marriage. Once the key is placed in our hands then we can roam about the new house (so to speak). Sometimes if we marry out of anxiousness, desperation, forcefulness etc,we can often times open up a can of worms that makes a marriage impossible to work out.
There is so much I can say from own experience but I won’t. I just wanted to agree with “Me” because not all the writings on the wall (blogs) is true.
[email protected] says
I can understand your loss, and the feeling of rejection and abandonment. I wish I could sweep the bad feelings away, but all we can do is hold you in our prayers and hearts, as you heal. Later, you will realize that a lot of “rejection” and anger and such is mostly directed at their own lack, disappointments and dissatisfaction with THEM SELVES. they hammer you, but their anger is really about them. We pray the Comforter, comfort you, and help you to forgive and heal.
Me too says
I had the same feeling – while I agree with the sentiment, I fear that articles suggesting that a happy marriage is completely up to your attitude are misleading and unfair. Many people give their all in very unhealthy and even abusive relationships. Marriages fail and sometimes that’s for the best. You are not a failure and God does not see you as a failure. You cannot control how another person treats you. God bless you.
I found this article to be idealistic…… It is reminiscent of on person’s specific and subjective point of view. I believe that you have to walk in ones shoes to understand them. I must commend the author for finding the secret to success in her marriage and I wish the best to all the others who are trying to figure it out.
Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU! Just what I needed to read today… all information has been noted!
Neecie Beard says
Nailed IT! I have been battling in my mind, this very subject and details of, “What was I thinking”?????? Or Why didn’t I think harder, because I walked through this process of marrying my husband and I am HERE?! Oh God, HELP ME! It’s not perfect, it will never be perfect, but one thing I do know, You’re Right Honey! I prayed early one morning, asking God to help me see my husband through his eyes, and not see him through eyes of despisement and frustration, and I didn’t want one feel ill feelings towards him, and that I surrender my heart to feel right about my husband, according to God’s Word and not what my flesh wanted me to feel. And immediately after prayer, I went to lay back down, I looked at my husband and I felt different, I saw a man that I loved, and I’m so glad God knows and answered prayers. I enjoyed your article. …. Superb Job, and spot onnn.
This is so great to hear, thanks for commenting! It’s so true that something drastic changes when we start praying for own own attitudes as well as our husbands. We’re able to see them how Christ sees them rather than see them for their flaws.
Lorey Doncel says
Absolutely beautifully written! I’m not married, but hope to be some day. You made me really think of this idealistic “the one” thing, I think you’re right. Its about who you choose to love and commit to before God and everyone else. I think I spotted this post because I was meant to read it and receive a message through it. Thank you for writing it! 🙂
Joanna @ Motherhood and Merlot says
I’ve never read your blog before, but for some reason I came across it today. I’ve been struggling with a lot of these same feelings, although I know that God has bigger plans for me and my marriage. I love that you wrote this and the things you said. You were speaking right to my heart lady!
I really struggled with this article. I am the wife that left her marriage after 18 yrs (22 yr relationship) . I left because i was so unhappy and did feel that there was sometime else out there who i could be happier with. It’s sad but after a year and a half of asking him to go to counseling and telling him my struggles with our relationship, nothing changed. He missed couples counseling (3x) and continued weekday drinking …. probably more issues than u want to know. 🙂 but after trying and trying (including the 5 struggling years prior to this) i left to save myself and i struggle when people say “you need to make it work” or “keep trying”. Sometimes there needs to be an end.
Granted NOW he wants to try …. but I’m done, it’s too late. My feelings have been so severely damaged for him that I’ve fallen out of love …. and to be honest, I’m happy at this point.
I had met someone just months after leaving my husband …. soon yes, but he’s so thoughtful and caring and patient. All the things I haven’t seen in my husband for years …. if even in the beginning.
So please take into consideration my scenario and how maybe we didn’t follow God’s plan way back in the beginning.
I feel how you feel. We got married in June 2015 after 10 years of back and forth. By August we were seperated . Its now March and we still are. He says let go to counseling and we never do. I just gave up inside my soul and i feel at peace by myself. Im not looking for no one but myself. I need to love myself first!
Chelsea, I love this post and I agree with your view on loving the one we’ve dedicated ourselves to and letting go of the idea that there is “one” out there that will do everything perfectly and just sweep us off of our feet. I would like to add queen Esther to your list of marriages orchestrated by God because even though she didn’t know it, she had to become the queen in order to save her people. I also want to say to all the women who shared their stories of ended marriages that I know nothing I can say will take away the range of emotions you have felt. But, as people of God we have to use our own lives to reach out to others who are in the same situation. Maybe you will encounter a family member or friend that is going through a divorce or just a rocky period and you will be able to tell them how you made it through.
I am a male and have been happily married for over 15yrs and a Christian for way longer than that. I find it interesting that you mention God and Justin Bieber in the same paragraph. One thing that should be mentioned is that people should be careful in their pursuit of a mate and be on the lookout for warning signs. There are some things that simply cannot be overlooked.
Brian, why is this odd? Justin Bieber is in teh public eye yes and doesn’t always act perfectly be he is in fact a Christian, saved by Grace and a sinner just like the rest of us! That was an unusual and judgmental observation.
It really is amazing to see how God works in so many ways. I have been struggling for over 3 years since I’ve been separated from my husband after 20 years.. Finally this website may have set me FREE one way or the other…. I am so unsure what to do because I truly love him but because of a his childhood he has a lot of narcissistic ways. I spent 20 years loving him unconditionally and reminding myself if I love him like Jesus does then that day might come that he finally understands what kindness is all about.. One of my favorite sayings is “Speak kind words, Receive kind echoes. Well after 20 years of resistance because of his narcissistic ways with God as my witness and my rock and for the hope for happiness in my life I feel I’m making the right decision. But still very torn because I’m such a forgiver but I truly believe that although you love someone so much and knowing you took your vows there are toxic people that we shouldn’t be around for the sake of our own health and happiness And God will still love us.
I enjoyed your article! We, as humanbeings, are weird, always look for a better – assuming that there is one, and don’t see the beauty in what we already have. Thanks for your beautiful ideas!
Married 54 years to MY Soulmate! We are perfectly imperfect together!
We’ve been married for 3 years and together for 4years altogether. Out of the 4 years together he has been a very controlling/manipulate husband, harsh, name calling, rude,and he is a Christian….I can’t do it anymore, but my fear is with God….God says he hates divorce and I don’t want to be spit out of Gods mouth because of me leaving. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything I do is wrong, bad….he treats me like his child. Any advice please!!!!
CJ I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with that. What do you think are the reasons behind your husband’s anger and controlling nature? It sounds to me that if he is calling himself a Christian, he is in need of a wake-up call. Do you have a home church where you would be able to tell someone what’s going on and request help/an intervention/counseling?
If your husband truly loves Christ, he wouldn’t be perfect, but he would be trying to love you like Christ loves the church- self sacrificially and trying to build her up. But that’s not necessary a reason to leave. Do what you can too safely confront your husband’s behavior, if you need a second person to do that with you, find sometime from your church with an understanding of biblical marriage to help confront him with you.
Again, I’m so sorry you are in this situation. In everything you do- run to God, trust God, and pray diligently for your husband’s heart to change. The way he I’d treating you right now is not honoring to God, and he needs to know that.
He has been married once before and did the same things to her….his stepdad was the same way with his mom and he loves his stepdad. We’ve done counseling, talked to pastors, christian couples group and it’s still my fault….he brings me down, bring my past up, and it always ends up being my fault…i lied to him to before on little things like doing chores in the house I didnt do, because I didn’t want to deal with his response treating me like his child and going after me making sure I cleaned. I am not allowed to talk to my family, they don’t know if I’m ok or not. I have no friends, he is the one that tells me who can be my friend wjo I can talk to or not.
I’m curious to know what the pastors and your church have said/done to help with your situation?
The couples group kicked us out because our problems were too much for them….pastor doesn’t know all about him treating me like he does…because when we’d go he would talk about the lier I am. There’s a lot more this but I guess I just have ondeal with it and feel like a prisoner that never does anything good enough for him…..I have no self esteem…..I hate myself and I have wish I was dead sometimes.
I think it would extremely beneficial to find counseling where you feel comfortable enough to give your side of the situation. That probably means finding someone to talk to without your husband present at first. I would also make it a huge priority to pray for God to change your husband’s heart and give you the ability to speak up and confront what is wrong in his attitude and treatment of you. It’s very important that you have someone from your church that is willing to listen to YOU and you need to find the confidence to speak up. I know it’s very difficult right now, but nothing will change if you allow this behavior. I want you to know that I’ll be praying for you and your husband and I hope that God brings real change to your marriage. Don’t be afraid to demand that your husband live up to calling himself a Christian.
CJ – I spent 7 years married to a guy who was mean, controlling, manipulative, & frequently violent – & he didn’t even drink!! . I gave it my all, having made the decision to stand by my marriage vows no matter what. Counseling, patience, giving in, suffering his verbal & physical attacks, praying…you name it. But as was said in another post, we all have our agency to choose all things for ourselves. If you’ve truly given it your all, then leaving can’t be a bad thing. It is the same as running from a kidnapper or rapist. You have an obligation to yourself & your family to stay safe & be happy. I don’t mean to suggest you throw it all away “because he doesn’t make me happy.” That’s not his job. He just needs to try. But if he refuses to make even a little effort, then there’s no way to call it a marriage. Move on. Be happy. Find someone who will put in the same work you’re willing to do.
In my first marriage, he frequently had the nerve to say he loved me, despite the way he treated me. Strangely, I believed him. I believe he loved me in whatever way he was capable of loving anyone. Sometimes, though, even if it’s their best, what they give truly isn’t enough. You have the right to assess who is worthy to be around you. I don’t mean be a snob. I mean…would you let a pedophile around your kids? No!! You’ve assessed (you can substitute “righteously judged” here) that he isn’t safe for your family. Sometimes the one you married isn’t safe for you, either…physically, emotionally, or mentally.
I finally made the most difficult but still one of the best decisions of my life. I felt I would be judged more harshly if I stayed in a bad situation. My baby was only 4 months old when I took him & ran. Within a year I was remarried to a man who truly loves me & my son. Here we are, 13 years & 2 more kids later, and it’s rarely a picnic, but we’re doing it together…side by side, hand in hand, heart to heart. What could be better?
One more thing to mull over. There are 4 states of “being” here: 1) happy with someone, 2) happy alone, 3) miserable alone, & 4) miserable with someone. State #4 is the most miserable of all. You deserve better. Don’t be ashamed to look for it.
Now go be happy! ❤️
So I just found out the reason why he treats me the way he does….he’s been talking to an ex, created a private Facebook to talk to her….this has been going on since we met…I even had to block her number from his phone….but I guess they’ll find a way and they did. And of course it’s my fault. …tell me that’s not a reason to leave?
K Turner says
So CJ, I am so sorry you are going through this crisis. But I have one question that should be answered. If he’s talking to this ex, and wanting you to be so very different than you are (not that you should ever cower to that) why doesn’t HE just leave you?
He used threat me of divorce and leaving for a while…now he says it’s because God hasn’t give hime the ok to leave. We move to his hometown from almost 700 miles away. Now he is talking about me having to leave because now he is at home….and the lease is on both our names but he says he is not going anywhere. If someone has to leave it’s me. He talks about having a strong relationships with God and questions my salvation. His mom has told me that his stepdad was verbally abusive to her as well and my husband lived that…but he Loves his stepdad so much because he took care of him as a child.
CJ, God calls us to honor our marriages, but He does not call us to live in situations of abuse. Abandonment and adultry are given as reasons for divorce in the Bible, and I believe there is more to abandonment than just physically leaving someone. He abandoned his vows he made to you, or maybe he never kept them at all? Treating you to the point of no self worth and feelings of wanting to die are horrible things and are absolutely a reason to leave. You deserve better and I know that God also believes you deserve better. Please get out, find support, and work on finding you again.
I’ve been just reading along but I agree wholeheartedly with this comment.
I can’t leave yet because my car needs new brakes nd I don’t have any money to fix them or even for gas….we are waiting for the tax refund that it’s because of me….he didn’t work at all last year or the year prior and he says that we need to wait for that money so we can make a decision if he thinks I’m doing better then I stay…if not we’ll split the refund and then I need to go.
Happily ever after...with God says
CJ, As I woman of God know that God will supply your EVERY need even when you can’t see how. I finally told my husband of 8 years(13 all together) that I couldn’t do it anymore. He had a choice to make it work or leave and he chose to leave. Listen and listen carefully no one but God can ever tell you, you don’t have a reason to leave. My hair was coming out, I was gaining weight but exercising and eating right, I was diagnosed with essential tremors, and I started having heart palpitations. I knew that if I didn’t get out I would die. Obedience IS better than sacrifice…i asked God and he gave me the answers I needed to move forth but I wanted our daughter to be in a joke with both parents. Lesson learned! When I changed my prayer from save my marriage to praying for God’s will…he started shifting things around immediately.
I didn’t know how I was going to pay my mortgage, utilities, bills by myself…BUT GOD! When I tell you my God has stepped in and showed out. When you are in the will of God he will supply! I’m not telling you to leave or stay but I’m telling you to pray and don’t you move until God’s moves.
One comment that brought me to a worship moment in my office was when I read he may not restore your marriage but either way they’ll be restoration! I stand to tell you today I am restored. My prayer now is that we be the best co-parents we can be and yes have my prayers paid off. Remember God is faithful and his word is true!
A friend says
CJ& all in pain-
I am sorry. I am sorry for all your pain. I am sorry for people who say they are Christians, but don’t act in love. I pray that God will do a mighty thing in your life & your husbands life. I pray he would truly love the Lord His God with all His heart & soul & mind. I pray he would love you as himself. I pray he would repent of his wicked ways. I pray God’s commands would be a light unto his path.
I pray for you that you may know freedom & love in Christ. It sounds like there are a lot of things you need to share with a confidant who can guide you in love & truth. Find someone who can honestly & lovingly counsel you. Make sure you are safe. If you need to call a hotline do it. Show your husband respect, but do not hide the truth. Pray. Pray. Pray. & pray!.
Asia Marie says
Chelsea’s initial article was beautiful, heartfelt, with a lot of truth. however, my understanding of God, is God is love and God loves us all. and when you’re true to yourself and stand up for your life, the best things follow, saying you’re “Christian” means nothing, how you treat people means everything. Although it’s so important to remember that the grass isn’t always greener, that everything is what you choose to focus on, and your perspective, and having gratitude, and understanding that things aren’t easy, and putting up with each other, and loving each other. but it’s not always reciprocated! and women put up with way too much, this is not acceptable. to put up with abuse and being misstreated. You can’t be the best mother this way, you can’t live up to your full potential. In a healthy partnership, you should support each other and lift each other up, no one that gets divorced comes to that conclusion easy. whether it’s your decision or not, it must be part of Gods plan. and it will lead you to better things. sometimes you have to trust! especially when you’ve done everything you can. If you are fortunate enough to have a partner with mutual respect, and values, count your blessings! But don’t asume you understand some one else’s struggles. We all have our own journey and lessons in life.
I’m a divorced mother with 2 girls (10&15) and am now in a very happy relationship, with stepchildren (12&14) I knew if I didn’t listen to the nagging voice inside me, my intuition, to get out of my marriage, I would never be happy. I am so grateful that I followed through. and now have the life I deserve. Now it’s not about surviving, but thriving! going through hard times builds character and empathy for others. You want to talk about God? Here’s the deal, you have to feel Gods love and guidance, and then you live it! through kindness and compassion! This I know.
Wow! I so needed this right now. Feeling like my marriage is going down the drain! It’s only been 1yr but we have been together for 10yrs. Thank you so much for your words! I was actually just praying to God to help me through my marriage that I feel is slipping away from my hands and I ran into your article. Your inspirational words give me hope.
Shelly C says
This is awesome!
I read wayyyyyy too many romance novels growing up…….in my first marriage, it was the only way to make my life more tolerable. The misery of being married to my then husband would fade away when I had a book to read. 14 years of torment, then divorce. My 2nd husband was the very image of all the romantic heroes I’d read about over the years. Tall, dark, and Adonis handsome with a charm that had women eating out of his hand. We couldn’t go anywhere without women falling all over him……and they didn’t care that he was married. They were drawn like flies. What they didn’t know, (I learned the hard way) was that behind the gorgeous facade was an untreated mental disorder that caused him to snap unexpectedly, no warning, and would nearly cost me my life numerous times. You really can’t judge a book by it’s cover. Things are NOT always what they seem.
5 1/2 years of a horribly abusive marriage wrought a change in me like nothing else could. Neither marriage had been healthy, and I knew after giving my life to God that it was because I had done the choosing and left God out of it. I believe with all my heart that IF we give it to Him, He WILL bring the right one into our lives……..not perfect, just “right.” With my track record, I KNEW I didn’t need to be choosing a man for myself any more! LOL It had to be of God or I didn’t want it.
On July 6, 2013, I married my minister husband, 8 years after my second divorce. God knew far better than I what I needed, and I’ve never been happier. Has it been easy? No. Even God-ordained marriages aren’t perfect, because we are imperfect people. We are subject to “bad attitudes”, we misunderstand each other’s intent. Our perception gets skewed, and we just plain get moody. We are two different people living together, raising a family together, managing a life together……there WILL be conflict. But that doens’t mean we made a mistake. It just means we’re human. And we’ll still be human if we throw in the towel and try it with someone else.
This is why starter marriages; people get married to see if the spouse is the right fit rather than a commitment. I never ever wanted a starter marriage yet I’ve seen so many of those among my peers. I’ve never been married and I’m forty-one. I may never get married. My cousins and sisters in law accuse me of being finicky but I think I’m being realistic. I’m that spouse that people complain about described in this article. I’ve had Henry Higgins I and Henry Higgins II in that order and I won’t admit to being any mans Eliza Doolittle. My Henry Higgins II told me that he was changing me for the better and that love comes with conditions. Eventually things got very complicated and we split up. Now I’m here alone but being alone feels safer than my time with him. I used to hope that God would call me to religious order but as I look at it it’s too virtuous and beautiful of a vocation for me. I’m in OA and my sponsor keeps telling me “God has a plan for you. Trust the process.” I’m very selfish that I forget how selfish I really am.
Marcia Jennings says
Hi, I like your article. I have loved and lost. This is my third time losing. Two where my picks the third was Gods. God helped me in and with all 3. Yes we can do and give all we can to make our marriages work but it is a great help when the husband also makes an Evert. After 15 years of giving to be replaced with a 17 year old is a hard pill to swallow. God is helping me to move on and I know one day he will bless me with someone special. One told me I smother him but I found that was when he was cheating. God brought him in my life but he can’t make his chooses for him. Now he is guiding me in a new diction.
Let Him lead and you can’t go wrong even if you are scared and not sure where your going. Keep the Faith.
Kate Cox says
What a great article! I found it after I wrote something similar on my blog, and I liked it so much that I linked to it. God bless you as you go on writing and inspiring others to live godly lives and perfectly imperfect marriages!
Me gustaria si alguien habla espanol que me de uno de esos consejos sabios tengo 7 anos de relacion y desde el 1er ano los dos hijos de mi esposo de 10 y 11 en aquel momento se mudaron a vibir con nosotros yo he sido una madre para ellos pero ahora 17 y 18 anos me estan arruinando mi matrimonio ellos son el unico problema entre nosotros y el no hace nada por lastima pero me faltan el respeto orrible y solo me utilizan cuando quieren algo es tan dificil mi situacion porque lo amo y no le quiciera poner otro padrastro a mi hija de 10 que no es de el que hago ?
I absolutely needed to hear (or read) this. Thank you.
This is definitely a great post for those who are worried they won’t find that one guy. I am a total hopeless romantic and believe in soul mates, but it is still about choices.
I really disagree. With you. I do believe there is the one out there for any of us. I don’t call it the one. I call it my soulmate or kindred spirit. I also believe in love at first sight. You would know all this way before you marry him. That’s why you date for a long period of time. My husband just recently died. He was my soulmate I thought he was the one and he was good to me. Yes I do agree once you marry make the best with what you got. You would know way before you marry. If you think he is the one you would know the minute you see him. It’s just a certain look in each other’s eyes. By the way we were married for 13 years. Other than I. My parents thought they were the one the minute they met each other and they have been married for 60 years.
I thoroughly enjoyed your article but I do have one little bone to pick.
When you say “marriage doesn’t have a reset button” I could swear my hackles came up. I have no idea if I picked The One–actually He picked Me! My only regret is I didn’t wise up sooner because he was Always perfect for me. Everyone remarks now how happy we are and perfect we are together and I definitely have to agree but it wasn’t always like that.
When I finally realized over several months of repeated AHA! moments that I wasn’t going to let this one get away I was really Lucky that he didn’t Wanna get away. He’s very forgiving which is another reason to count myself Lucky. And I have to admit that I was rather surprised and maybe a little distrustful that I could be this happy and the World Wasn’t About To End because for many years if I was too happy it was a Sign.
So I started a little ritual of re-upping my commitment. About every year at first I got a burst of renewed Loving Him Outta My Mind, making all his favorite stuff to eat, pressing his shirts–all by Myself and special nighties started stacking up in the dresser drawers.
Then I noticed I wasn’t doing it every year it was more like every two years then every three and now I can’g even remember the last time because I finally realized my promises will hold up Forever.
Its never too late to hit the Reset Button if you don’t feel all Dreamy about your present hubby. My advice is to actively Love him and when he perks up just keep on loving him back!
Jessica M. says
I loved this article! I need some advice though, I’ve been dating my boyfriend for over 4 years (we started dating when we were 15 and now we’re 20). Last summer we broke up for a month because he had been lying to me all because he wanted to hangout with his guy friends and didn’t want to lose me. After a TERRIBLE month apart (for both of us) we felt like God was calling us to get back together and we’ve been together ever since. The problem is since the breakup, I’ve gone to counseling because during that time apart I developed general anxiety disorder and whenever we got back together I’d constantly search for any type of red flag (there wasn’t any) and I would always ask myself “is he the one” and “is this what I want?” and my counselor and I agreed that I’m still healing from the breakup and that I was just trying to keep myself from getting hurt again. My boyfriend is the sweetest person and he has stuck by my side through all of this anxiety and he loves the Lord and we have the same views for the future. We both want to get married and have a family. He’s my best friend. My boyfriend and I decided when we got back together that we wanted to get engaged next fall and ever since then I’ve been extremely happy, but my anxiety keeps randomly coming up with things like “how do I know he’s the one” and “will God ever give me a certain sign that I’m supposed to marry him?” – oh and by the way, my boyfriend and I have grown together and completely made a full circle and he has been truthful to me since we got back together. My friends and family all love him and I together and they all reassure me that they can see how God wants us to be together. I guess I’m just wondering, what do you think? Sorry this is long! Feel free to email me what you think.
Hi Chelsea & others:
I really loved your article Chelsea, and I believe you have the right attitude to make a success of your marriage, and if your husband also has this attitude, I believe it can be heaven on earth. I spoke to a couple the other day whom had been married close to 43 years, & I asked them how they got it right. Easy, they say – just do the following:
1. Husband you are king, provided you treat your wife as queen.
2. Wife you are queen, provided you treat your husband as king.
3. Never, ever treat your spouse like a dirty rag. I have chosen her/him to be my spouse, and If I do that I acknowledge to all present that I had made a poor choice when selecting a partner! – This means I must be stupid, because why did I not check him/her out properly before the marriage? The Bible says that a man who loves his wife, loves himself ! (I believe it works vice versa)
4. Make time for each other, and put addititional effort into understaniding what your spouse’s love language is. Ideally this should have been discussed prior to marriage, and I mean – would I really have married a person, knowing prior to marriage that he/she would not live up to my expectations ? (I did, because I rushed into a marriage not understanding what my wife needed, and also not clearing out my own expectations with her beforehand – and now I am divorced) There should be no rush/pressure to get married – therdfore take your time to get to know this person whom you are potentially going to spend the rest of your life with. There is no shame in ending a relationship prior to marriage due to incompatibility issues, and the magnitude of emotional damage is negligible in comparison to divorce with children. We are allowed to be picky when it comes to the choice of a marriage partner. YOU have to check out your future partner:
-How do they act towards you in difficult/stressfull situations – are you still his/her queen/king? Are you trated with respect.
-How does he/she treat you when they are angry at you when you did something wrong or made a mistake?
-How does he/she resolve conflict with you? Is he/she always right and you wrong? (Big red alert)
-Does he/she not have the capability to admit when they were wrong and apologize ? (Another big red alert)
-You’re supposed to be the closest friends – Can he/she discuss difficult or sensitive issues with you?
-Can he/she listen and understand when you discuss an important issue (for you) ? In what way does he/she support you?
-Can he/she work with money in a responsible manner?
-Can you easily share resposibilities with him/her without fighting about it the whole time?
Anyway – the list of questions above is but examples of the issues that need to be checked-off with your future spouse prior to marriage.
[ I have been divorced now for 2 months after 23 years of marriage, and it is by far the most emotional damaging experience I have ever had. My x started working at a new job, and has an affair with her boss. We went for counseling, but she didn’t want to resign nor break up with this guy – therefore divorce. I was willing to forgive and work on our relationship, but could not continue due to the 3rd party. Seems like she has planned it.]
If my x had the same attitude as Chelsea with respect to marriage, I would not have had a divorce !
CJ I am very concerned about the way your husband treats you – as this is very much the same treatment I received from my wife prior to my divorce. I would move out If I were you, or make recordings of him being emotionally abusive and take him to court & get restraining order & kick him out of the house. The Bible allows for separation and in this regard there is an excellent book by Mark Gaither – “Redemptive Divorce”. If you do have the time you can also read “Divorce” by Frank Retief, and James Dobson’s “Love must be tough”
I am not a person that will recommend divorce from the word go – in the books above methods of influencing the wayward spouse is described, and that is about as far as one can go. Our spouses have their own will, as well as the free will choice to stop/continue with their toxic behaviour. You have to put boundaries in place,(Another good book – “Boundaries in marriage” by John Townsend) by separating from him, and only allowing him in your presence if he drops his toxic behaviour. Don’t make your presence cheap. You are a giver, and your husband is a taker, and he can take more than you can give, therefore if you don’t restrict him he will consume everythithing you can give, and then blame you for not being able to give him more, regardless of the fact that he hasn’t brought anything to the table at all.
Jo B says
I’ve been married to the same man for 22 years. I love him with all my heart, but I would not consider him my soulmate. I didn’t feel like he was ‘the one’ when I met him. We were friends for over a year, and had been on three dates, before He asked if he could kiss me, and I realized he was interested in me as more than a friend. I slowly, over the next few months, behan to realize I was interested in him too. There was no need for me to try to be anything but myself, because he knew me. He loved me for who I actually was, not some idealized version of me, and vice-versa. I knew for sure that he was who I was supposed to be with, when I laid in his arms the first time. A feeling of peace and contentment came over me. I felt SAFE. I think we were fortunate that we were able to skip the ‘reality sets in’ phase of marriage! The day we got married, the only thing I was worried about was tripping. No nerves. No cold feet. My intuition told me that this man was my lifemate, my partner in this life, and I had come to love him very deeply. In the past 22 years, we’ve had ALOT of difficulties. We’ve grown apart. We’ve had a child. We’ve been in some dire straights. The difference is that we know that as long as we hold on, and work toward coming back together, we WILL get back to good times. It’s happened enough times now, that we can count on it.
Here’s the thing. We are both worthy of that kind of commitment. We do very specific things to remain worthy of each other. We don’t yell at each other. We accept that we each have valid ideas, even if they’re different, and we can just agree to disagree. He’s a Republican and a Christian, while I’m a Democrat and Spiritual. But we respect each others’ feelings/ideas/desires. We share many of the same ideals of service to fellow man, the Golden Rule, Love is greater than hate, and Good will always trump EVIL, as long as we stand up for Good. Now I’m not saying we don’t FIGHT. I’m saying we FIGHT RESPECTFULLY. No yelling. No name-calling. No violence of any kind – threatened or real. EVER. Those things you can’t take back. We’ve been up all night talking out problems when we had to. IF YOUR BOYFRIEND/HUSBAND OR YOU, CANNOT FIGHT RESPECTFULLY, YOUR RELATIONSHIP WILL NOT LAST. If either of you simply won’t engage, it’s not going to last. You BOTH have to be able to have an honest disagreement, without hitting below the belt. No amount of love for the other person can overcome that.
You both need to be willing to do whatever has to be done to keep your family safe and minimally provided for. That includes working two jobs, working jobs he’s overqualified for if ness, not gambling away/spending desperately needed money on drugs/alcohol. Etc. nothing kills a marriage faster than money issues.
The number one thing I’d like young women today to know about marriage is: YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. HE IS WHO HE IS. LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE TELLS YOU WHO HE IS. If he is controlling, emotionally abusive in any way, does anything but respect you, doesn’t have a job or can’t keep a job, or messes around with other women, DO NOT MARRY HIM! You would be better off alone than with a man like that. You are worth more than that! If you wait around for YEARS before he asks you to marry him, or shows reticence in ANY way, MOVE ON! Marriage is hard enough when you BOTH want to be in it!
And if there is ANY way you can wait a few years to have kids, PLEASE do. It takes 3 or 4 years to really get to know each other. Spend that time taking care of just each other if you can. Kids put a HUGE stress on a marriage. Esp the first few years! We were actually married for 17 years before we had our son. He’s about to turn 5, and we’re just now able to start repairing some of the damage that we took during years of sacrifice that a young child brings! Because it was US, before him, and it will be US when he’s gone.
I really hope this super long post helps someone. You deserve to be loved despite your shortcomings, appreciated for the unique person you are, and you should feel SAFE, emotionally, physically, and mentally, with your partner.
Uğur Balkaya says
Hello from Turkey. I have a very long distance relation. She is in another country. I visited her 3 months ago, everything was ok for first but after 1 month we had really big problems. I did many things for just go to her country, really many sacrifeces I did. We got problem and we debate. She made me alone even while I was in her home. We were crying while speaking by Skype cause of we are really far. But she didn’t come to beside me even I was in her room. We couldn’t solve our problems, really I tried to get a solution. But we failed. I re-schedule my flight and I came to my country early. She didn’t come to airport even just say ‘bye’. Now we are apart, not because of just distance, she is not the girl that I loved and I’m not same person that she loved deeply. Our egos kills our relation.
OH how this ended up at my finger tips when I needed it most xxx thank you!
Omg, I love when posts come to you at the right time. I wasn’t even looking for this but it definitely speaks volumes. I can’t tell you how much I try to let go and let go because I know that the plan is not mine. The One..hmm? I don’t have experience in that department but I do know that I can only live the life HE has given me until the time comes for me to meet whomever it is.
I needed this today. Thank you is all i can say
Then there are many of us good single men out there that really wanted a good wife and family to share our life with, had we met the one.