Why My Husband was never “The One”[soundcloud url=”https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/268400706″ params=”color=8c0e55&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false” width=”100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]
To all the ladies out there, married or hoping to one day take the plunge, this message is for you. It’s something that I quite frequently heard the opposite of growing up (not necessarily from my parents as my mother is a wonderful example of what God can do with a second marriage but more so from an idealistic culture that I think many of us experienced growing up). And it’s quite sad really. This whole idea that there is “the one” waiting for you out there. You might be thinking, “Sad?? That’s not sad!” And yes I will admit that it does have a romantic notion. And yes, there is a person out there that you will most likely marry someday. Or maybe you’ve already found him! Sweet!
The sad thing is- someone, somewhere started the rumor that there one person- one perfect mate- out there waiting for you to find him. He is your destiny and the only person with whom you can be completely happy. And so, if you’re like me, you grew up with this fear that what if you were never in the right place at the right time? And what if your paths never crossed at the right moment?
OR- worse- what if you “realize” that the man you’re with now is not the one? What then?? Are we to live our lives under the assumption that we can never be as happy with this man as we could have been with the one? Or do we leave this “Oops, sorry, wrong one!” of a marriage and set out to go find the one that will finally complete us?
Ok, there’s a lot of rhetorical questions there. But I hope you’re taking a moment to think about them!
Here are several (good) reasons why I believe that my husband and your husband are not our soulmates:
In the words of Justin Bieber…
“The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.” Justin- thank you- for those words of wisdom. Ladies, the point here is simple. Marriage is all about choices. Yes, choices like which load of laundry more desperately needs to get done today, lights or darks. But also more important choices than that. Choices like, am I going to treat my spouse like we are on the same team? Am I going to love him (and serve him) even when he’s not at his best? If my marriage doesn’t look how I thought it would when we said our vows, am I still going to keep them?
Lots of times it feels as thought it would be a crap ton easier to just quit and start over. I like doing this when my husband starts beating me at video games. But marriage doesn’t have a reset button. And the choices you make don’t just affect you. My point is, if you make the choices that nourish and condition and strengthen (sounds like a shampoo commercial) your marriage, your marriage will, in fact, grown stronger.
Excuses, excuses, excuses
In my experience as a married lady, I have found that most of the reasons- whatever they may be- for my unhappiness in marriage are all my husband’s fault.
Gotcha! Totally kidding. Well, mostly kidding.
Most of the time, my unhappiness and discontentedness comes from finding that my expectations for my husband are unmet. In fact, sometimes they are so estranged, I think to myself that I was crazy to ever expect them to have been acquainted in the first place. The entire idea of a soulmate or “the one” places all the pressure of marital happiness on our spouse being perfect for us.
My fear is, if we believe in the notion that we are destined to one specific person in this world, and then we find out that it’s not really working with this person that we married over here…. we will use the excuse that there’s someone out there better for us, to leave the man we committed ourselves to.
I don’t believe simply falling out of love or realizing that your husband wasn’t the one are reasons to leave. Plain as that. I think they make us feel better about leaving (and feel entitled to leave) the life we committed to.
To you who believes that God has a plan for your life:
He does!! And I’m so glad that you believe that he does. I’ll tell you what his plan is in the most simplest terms I can: Since God is the greatest thing that can happen to any person ever (and He knows this- because He’s God) His plan for you is that you know Him and love Him deeply and intimately, and that others would get to know Him through knowing you. That is God’s plan for your life. Many of us stress ourselves the heck out by thinking that God has a step-by-step detailed plan for our lives and if we step too far to the right or left that we will suddenly be out of God’s will. And yes, I believe that God can and does plan specific things for specific people’s lives, but that’s his business to know and most of those people don’t realize what God was up to until later! What God does ask us to do is to live our lives loving and trusting him, and he’ll fill in the details.
All this to say, I don’t see any evidence in the Bible that makes me think that God has one specific man in mind for you. (The only places where God specifically organized a marriage are, from my humble knowledge, Adam and Eve, Hosea and Gomer, and then Mary and Joseph. But even they were just trying to live lives that honored God and God brought all of those details together Himself).
My point is- what God wants, if you get married, is for you to love that man you married with all you got!
Choosing to love the man you married, whether your marriage is the best thing ever or totally not what you’d thought it would be, is just that- a choice. The man you married IS the one. He’s the one you promised to love in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, and he is the one who is worth you time, respect, love, and investment. Investing in your marriage will only bring more value and more strength.
To the girl who is worried about finding the one: relax, enjoy your life, love God, let him come when he does, and love him the best you can.
Love you guys!
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