The phrase “submissive wife” brings to mind images of weakness and male dominance. Submission is definitely not something that most women get excited about or want to strive for. In our postmodern society, we are all about feminism and equal rights for women, breaking the mold of the 1950s housewife who had a hot meal on the table by 6 every night, with her spotless home, perfectly coiffed hair and heels on. But I’m going to suggest that maybe our thoughts on being submissive have little to do with being a “Stepford wife” and everything to do with a healthy, happy marriage. I’m even going to suggest that to be submissive is a sign of strength rather than weakness. Wait. Did you read that right? Hang on! Don’t write me off just yet. Hear me out!
Here are 4 ways that being submissive to your husband builds your character as a person and strengthens your confidence in both your sense of self and the strength of your marriage.
1 | Keeping your mouth shut takes discipline
I really don’t have much of a filter when it comes to my husband. When I’m angry, he knows it. When I’m annoyed, it’s obvious. When I disagree, oh I make it loud and clear. And do we ever disagree! With marriage comes all kinds of opportunities to disagree: setting a budget, deciding what to buy together, deciding how to spend our time together, deciding on endeavors to pursue or not to pursue, and eventually deciding when to start a family, what to name our children, how to decorate our home etc. And when they say opposites attract, they’re not lying! My husband and I have completely different opinions about nearly everything. I mean, at our cores, we have the same beliefs and value systems and thank goodness for that! But when it comes to all the little day to day details, we each have our own and very strongly opinionated ideas.
If you open up the book of Proverbs, there are countless examples of how opening your mouth makes you a fool. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a passage in proverbs and thought to myself, “I’m a fool!” This is not something that is exclusive to wives, it applies to everyone. But since I’m talking to fellow wives here, let me just say that keeping a tight rein on your tongue is the mark of a very wise woman. It may feel very empowering to let your voice be heard and to let your husband feel every stinging dagger and insult that you have to throw in that moment. This act of submission, keeping a rein on your tongue, is one that serves you both. Words are like toothpaste. You can’t put that toothpaste back in the tube. Words, once spoken, are here to stay. Even when apologies are made, the sting and regret of hurtful insults remains.
A strong woman has control over her words.
2| Speaking up with respect takes self-respect and self-assurance.
Just because opening your mouth too much can make you a fool, doesn’t mean that there aren’t times when you need to say something. It’s in the way that you speak, that reveals who you are. If you talk down to your husband and either call him an idiot, or do so with your eye rolls, snarky tone of voice and attitude – A. you’re not being heard and so not being effective. B. you’re revealing yourself to be someone who is insecure and afraid. Don’t believe me? Anytime I have spoken to my husband in those ways, it has been when I am afraid to look foolish. I want to prove how stupid he is being and thus validate the way I am feeling.
If we share our opinions in a respectful way rather than a “How could you be such an idiot?” kind of way, we will be acting with maturity. Plus we’re all more receptive to differing opinions when they are presented with respect. While being shown love is most important to a woman, being shown respect is even more important than love to a man (Check out the book Love & Respect
But you don’t know my husband. He doesn’t deserve my respect.
You’re right. I don’t know your husband. He could be a truly terrible person. But maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s just a terribly flawed person. Try showing him respect before he deserves it and watch how his attitude changes towards you. You may be the spiritually stronger partner in the relationship. Allow him room to grow stronger. Pray for him like your life depends on it. Because essentially, it does. I hope you will decide that a strong, happy marriage is worth swallowing your pride once in a while by being the first one to change.
A strong woman respects herself enough to show respect to others.
3 | Praying for your husband strengthens your faith
It will also strengthen your marriage. The hardest part of this thing called “submission” is when our own will has to submit to the will of someone else. It’s the part that brings the most controversy and disagreement. You see, the way submission is supposed to work is through a mutual trust and respect. The Bible calls us to submit to our husbands. It then calls husbands to love their wives, as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her. (Eph. 5:22-28) If you have chosen your spouse wisely, you can trust that he is in constant communication with God to make the right decisions for your family (even if that family is just the two of you). When there is an issue that you simply cannot agree on, submitting to his leadership means his decision is ultimate. Is that always easy? Nope. Does that mean he is always right? Nope. What a greater responsibility and standard our husbands are held to because of that! So what can we do? Is it just our lot in life as wives to have opinions that don’t matter or wants that are ignored? I don’t think so. Our greatest calling is to pray for our husbands. Pray for their wisdom. Pray for them to be in close communication with God and accountable to other Godly men.
There have been several times, over the course of our seven year marriage, when my husband has made decisions that I did not agree with – that I even came to resent for a period of time! It frustrated me that his opinion ultimately seemed to be the only one that mattered in the end. In those moments, I felt justified in my frustration and in my resistance to what I perceived as his “control.”
One day, this past summer, I participated in an outdoor worship night with my church. I don’t know if it’s simply because I am such a music lover that God chooses to speak to me during worship or because that is also a time when I shut everything out but him. Regardless, it is through worship that I sense his presence most. And in this particular moment, God spoke to me a word that was totally unrelated to anything I was singing or anything I had heard leading up to that night. He simply told me that I was not allowing my husband to be the spiritual leader of our home. He told me that I needed to submit (ugh) to his spiritual leadership. Now when I say that God spoke to me, I mean that he impressed these thoughts upon my heart and mind. How do I know they came from him? Because they line up with God’s word and they are NOT thoughts I would’ve had on my own. Trust me! And when I heard these things, rather than shake them off or rebel in my heart at the idea of submitting to my husband, the Lord found me in a very receptive place. My eyes were opened to the disservice I had done to my husband and to myself.
When you show disrespect to your husband by doubting or mocking his decisions, you emasculate him. An emasculated man cannot be a leader. A small word of confidence and support from you goes a long way towards building up your husband. We underestimate the power our words have over our husbands. When he knows you are in his corner, especially when you disagree, he has the ability to lead your family with wisdom and clarity. He may make some mistakes along the way, but together you will make it right and God can reward your obedience by redeeming those mistakes. All things work together for good for them that love God and are called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28)
A strong woman incites change through her powerful prayers.
4 | Being a full partner with your husband, in support and unity, makes your marriage strong and successful
Why are there so many unsuccessful marriages today? I believe that even more than a lack of commitment, there is a lack of understanding. Just like so many areas of God’s word, this topic of submission in marriage has been perverted and distorted to the point that it has become something disdainful. As a society, we lack the understanding of submission as something that is designed for a purpose. It exists to protect and empower both the man and the woman in a marriage.
Someone has to lead. Without a leader, nothing gets accomplished. Why does he get to be the one who leads? Because he does. That’s who God appointed to lead. Who am I to argue with the creator of the universe? Any leader of anything will tell you what a burden the responsibility of leadership can be. Those of you who are single mothers or sole bread winners for your family are familiar with the weight that rests so heavily on your shoulders. We are not meant to carry that weight alone. When you are constantly at odds with your husband, you tear apart the support system of your family unit. When you work together, hand in hand, you submitting and him honoring you, God’s purpose in marriage is fulfilled.
A strong woman makes her husband stronger.
I hope you now have a greater understanding and appreciation for this beautiful but often misunderstood design in marriage. The next time someone say to you, “Woman, submit!” Or “Submission is a sign of weakness.” Please, remember these words: Submission in marriage is God’s beautiful design of partnership. Just because the masses believe something different, doesn’t make it true.
Remember the greatest act of submission, when Jesus went to the cross in our place. Because it was God’s will and not his own. He prayed to change it, but God’s will remained. (Luke 22:42) Wherever you find yourself in your marriage today, look to the example of Jesus. Think of what Jesus sacrificed for us. Understand that the relationship between Christ and the church is meant to be mirrored by husband and wife. If Jesus was willing to sacrifice everything for his church, that’s the kind of dedication and commitment He demands from your husband for you.
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- 4 Ways Being a Submissive Wife Makes You Stronger, Not Weaker - January 18, 2017
This is great! Thank you for writing it 🙂
Thank you so much for reading!
Being a Christian and in an abusive, gas-lighting relationship, it is hard to pray for my husband when all I want to do is pray curses over him. I am on the fence with this belief. If I pray hard enough, maybe God will change him. I’m gonna keep praying and let him run the show even if it means bad decisions made that will negatively affect our children’s lives, praise him, flatter his ego and I really hope this submission thing works. Maybe the terminology used like the word “submission” has a different translation? There is a verse in Proverbs that says something like, the prudent see danger and run…
Absolutely life changing, I needed to read this
Thank you
I’m humbled by this comment. I’m so glad it spoke to you.
Thank you for this, it is a great reminder for me! Sometimes it is hard to humble ourselves enough to see the things we might be doing wrong and make those changes. Thank you!
It’s so hard!! Especially if you are the one who has to do it first. We can do hard things! We are strong women! It’s definitely a process. We fail, we adjust, we try again. Thank you for reading & for you comment!
This was good and right on time for me. Even though I know my role in submission, I should practice it more. My husband is the pastor of a church. & I’m praying that God will help me change my tone when talking to my husband.
It’s a daily struggle. But it makes such a difference!
Octavia, as a preacher for 42 years, I appreciated when my wife complemented me personally and in public.
She has been one of my greatest encouragers. When I retired a year ago, she made mention several times how she missed my preaching.
A suggestion to consider. Ask your husband to share with you four ways you can make his day. Or How can you demonstrate that he is the head of your house.
If he should return a similar question, what are four ways you would appreciate that he show you how much he loves you?
Great marriages are built by two forgivers trying to out forgive the other! All the best as you and your husband lift up your brothers and sisters.
Hope you click my name and stop by and look at the free gifts we offer and blog posts we share to give hope and opportunity to make your marriage the best it can become.
Amanda, thank you for tacking such a sensitive subject. If I can serve your fans in some fashion, let me know!
This blog post is the last thing I will ever agree with! First of all this stuff about women being submissive is all old and of course, that will have an effect on the bible. Marriage takes compromise and love to work not submission. Don’t be passive but understanding. And if all it takes is praying to god about for your husband to make the right decision then the next day you will find out about Lucy a crossed the street. If I want to be an equal I will, that’s who I am and your husband should respect that and have respective debates. So no
This struck cord with me. I see some similarities with what I have learned “the hard way” through 17 years of marriage. It is truely about knowing when to shut your mouth and when to speak up and showing respect even when he’s done something or said something that makes you feel he isn’t respecting you. Some of this I wish I had learned earlier in our relationship but obviously God had different plans. We are now happily married 17 years. I really appreciate seeing that someone learned these wisdoms earlier on in their marriage.
Wow, “words are like tooth paste, you can’t put them back in the tube!” I need to write this on a sticky note and stick it on my vanity mirror to remind myself this everyday! I can be one stubborn wife and my words are often hurtful when I’m angry or frustrated! I constantly am in prayer to try and correct myself.
Great post, Chelsea! Needed to read this!
This is truly an inspiration! I’m so excited to be getting married to my best friend in 3 months! But I’m also a bit nervous. I’m 22 years old and have been dating my fiance for 8 months. I hope to be the submissive, Godly wife that God designed me to be. I have enjoyed the articles I’ve read so far and will be subscribing to get more 🙂
God bless you 🙂
This post brings up some good pointers and ideas, but I disagree on a few things said in paragraph titled number 3. “When there is an issue that you simply cannot agree on, submitting to his leadership means his decision is ultimate. ” The issue you refer to has to be a pretty big one in order for a person to completely not agree on without giving someone the benefit of the doubt. So if he decides something I really can’t agree on, even after he has explained why he would make that decision, we are having a problem. Because that issue may have a very big impact upon his and my life and I have to look at myself in the mirror every day.
We should have each others best interests at heart, but we cannot and should not force our partners to go along with something they cannot agree upon.
“When you show disrespect to your husband by doubting or mocking his decisions, you emasculate him. An emasculated man cannot be a leader.”
If you love someone you should NEVER mock their decisions, but never doubting a decision even if it affects, say, my health or our finances? Can you explain when you would start to doubt his decisions?
I have to go to a psychologist and support meetings (Alcoholics Anonymous) in order for me to have a sane, balanced life. I put recovery before every else, because without that, there would be nothing else. Everything would fall through the cracks. If he would start disagreeing with me doing that, we have a big problem and maybe even a split on our hands.
Thank you for posting this, I’m at a crossroads with my marriage,…But I’m will to do this. I have too, im a Mother of two (22 months APART…Somedays I feel like a going crazy). And I also have my step son every other week.
Thank you POSTING…I know it WAS God who helped me find this article.
Thank you
Truly
Thank you so much. I needed to read this.
Hi dear good to read this article
You are not describing submission, you are describing common sense, respect, healthy boundaries, self-control, and maturity.
Submission is obedience, not honoring your mission and your EXISTENCE, accepting abuse, accepting being treated as inferior, not confronting toxic treatment, and buying the patriarchal narrative.
Patriarchy is not a good thing. It is not good for women, it is not good for kids, it is not good for the planet, not good for the animals and the plants, and it is not even good for men.
women have so much more to give and share to the world, and by being obedient, passive, SUBMISSIVE, and by letting men to lead, the world loses so much intelligence. beauty, and healing..
equality is much better – the is nothing wrong with being equal in power. Power is not the same as being vulgar and confrontational.
you can be powerful and spiritual at the same time.
if your religion tells you men is the leader, something is wrong.
If your religion tells you that you have have to be sweet and pretty and obedient and SUBMISSIVE, something it is wrong with your religion.
that is not religion. that is patriarchy. PATRIARCHY has nothing to do with god or jesus.
Sarah, at last a decent common sense comment. These commenters should read Beth Allison Barrs book The Making of Biblical Womanhood. It’s truly inspiring.
The Bible speaks of mutual submission as it relates to our bodies. The Bible calls for women to submit to husbands and that a husband must love his wife as Christ loved the Church and was willing to give his life for it. Husbands are not to be bitter towards their wives. Warns that if a man hates his wife it’s like hating his own self. Wives are to respect and reverence their husbands. The Bible calls for balance, mutuality.
With so few men in the pews, it’s no wonder there is a high divorce rate. Women fill the pews so we hear sermons about how we are to conduct ourselves. Who’s going into the highways and byways and preaching to the absent men about what’s expected of husbands? IJS. “Control” is what the flesh likes. Godly mutual submission is what we should aim for.