1, 2, or 3?? @balielf making me feel pretty today 1, 2, or 3?? @balielf making me feel pretty today in all these gorgeous colors! 😍
#ad This past weekend I decided to do something re #ad This past weekend I decided to do something really fun for the kids and create a scavenger hunt for them with Kinder Joy eggs at the end! They had so much fun going throughout the house and the yard finding their clues and a special surprise was waiting for them at the end! They had so much fun putting their Jurassic World Dominion surprise together (David is obsessed with dinosaurs 🦖) as well as exploring the app that comes as a download from the Kinder Joy egg! Fun little surprises like these go such a long way and making the kids feel special 💗 
#KinderJoy #JurassicWorldDominion @kinderus
Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
I've been DIYing my hair for five (?) ish years no I've been DIYing my hair for five (?) ish years now and while I can't claim I've always done it perfectly, I've found a great routine that works for my hair and saves so much $$$ in the process!! Are you brave enough to DIY your hair??
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
I think this hairdo is perfect 👌 for anything y I think this hairdo is perfect 👌 for anything you want to do without getting your hair in your face: eating hot wings, riding on a boat, working out, the list goes on. Plus, you can wear it up ⬆️ or down ⬇️
Wife, mom, runner, writer, artist, or just the cle Wife, mom, runner, writer, artist, or just the cleaning lady?? ​😜
Josh is an old soul 🥰 and tonight he and I are Josh is an old soul 🥰 and tonight he and I are going to get to see a band from the 70s that he loves!! Any guesses who it is??
^^ Here's a fun hairstyle for a (date) night out 🌃
I think a sleek pony is honestly so cute for date I think a sleek pony is honestly so cute for date night OR work! I'm always wearing my hair up anyway, right?? Might as well make it cute 🥰
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divorce & separation, Marriage, Pornography, Relationships · January 8, 2017

7 ways to rebuild trust in a marriage

 There is always hope for restoration. Yeah, it’s going to need to be something you both want, and it will take time. But with time, and the steps I’m outlining here, I’m confident that you and your spouse can regain trust again.
“Because if you’re here, you must be hurting. I want you to know that I’ve been there. I’ve been the one locked in my room as a crying mess because I was so hurt by my husband’s actions. I’ve had moments when I’ve thought to myself, “I am alone. I can’t trust him anymore.” But I’m here writing this post to say that there is always hope for restoration. Yeah, it’s going to need to be something you both want, and it will take time. But with time, and the steps I’m outlining here, I’m confident that you and your spouse can regain trust again.”

 

1 | Understand your own weaknesses

It might seem weird, or even make some angry, that this is the first point in this post, but trust me, it’s no mistake. One of the biggest mistakes many people make- men or women- when their spouse damages their trust, is to get on a pedestal and- as low as their spouse might be at the moment- push them down even further with their own sense of self-righteousness. It might sound a little harsh, because, hey, you weren’t the one who messed up. But, even though it might not feel as bad as what your spouse has done, you have messed up. You are fallible. And it’s extremely important to also have a sober and brutally realistic view of yourself before you’re tempted to judge your spouse. I’m not saying it’ll be easy to do- just really important.

Now, I don’t mean to minimize what your spouse did- whatever he did. Because if you’re here, you must be hurting. I want you to know that I’ve been there. I’ve been the one locked in my room as a crying mess because I was so hurt by my husband’s actions. I’ve had moments when I’ve thought to myself, “I am alone. I can’t trust him anymore.” But I’m here writing this post to say that there is always hope for restoration. Yeah, it’s going to need to be something you both want, and it will take time. But with time, and the steps I’m outlining here, I’m confident that you and your spouse can regain trust again.

2 | Get real with your conversations

One of the best way to foster good conversations, I’ve found, is to simply go outside and leave the phones and distractions inside. If my husband and I can get ourselves to do that, conversation usually just happens. But this almost never happens accidentally. We actually have to try. Not that we never talk when we’re indoors, but our attention is often divided or our conversation is focused on things that happened that day, or what’s going on in the moment, instead of something deep and more meaningful.

Now, when you’re in the right place to have one of those more deep and meaningful conversations, be real with your spouse, and give him the chance to be real as well. What does that mean? A lot of active listening. Ask open ended questions (not just about what he did that hurt you). Ask clarifying questions. Make sure your body language communicates that you’re present and open to what he has to say. And then go ahead and be open yourself.

Also read: Bad body language habits that escalate fights.

3 | Get on the same page

This step must come before accountability for a very good reason. If you and your husband disagree on what he should be held accountable for, you’re going to have a lot of fights and stress in the future. You’re also going to end up feeling like his mommy, because you’ll be the only one trying to make sure he doesn’t “mess up” again.

When you’re in a place to have one of those good, open conversations we talked about, make sure that you are both on the same page about the expectations you have for each other. You might be really hurt by what your husband did, but if he doesn’t see an issue with he, he’s not likely going to change. You may have already gotten an apology that tells you your husband knows that his actions weren’t acceptable. If not, well, that’s an entirely different post. I have a few here that might help with that, though:

  • If I’m a Christian, do I need to put up with my husband’s crap?
  • 10 ways to handle conflict and confrontation for the best possible outcome.
  • How to speak up and be confident in relationships.

4 | Utilize accountability

This might look different based on your situation, what your husband is struggling with, and his personality type. It’s also not something that you are in charge of, although you can definitely help. Accountability needs to be something your husband wants. If he doesn’t want it, you will be forced into a controlling, distrusting relationship with your spouse that he will seek to find a way around at all costs.

It’s really important to not make your husband feel as though he’s not in time out. If he’s serious about restoration, he should seek out some measures of accountability on his own. But one thing you can do is ask him how you can help. If your husband was struggling with pornography, having adult website blocks on computers and phones is something that might be helpful for him. Being about to talk with other men spiritually mature men who know what he’s struggling with would also be extremely valuable. Ask your husband what accountability measures would be helpful to him and do your best to be consistent and follow through with those.

Also read: 5 Steps to take if you find your husband using porn

5 | Take time to regain your own confidence and feeling of self-worth

Chances are, if you’re reading this, your spouse has done something that hurts you or makes you feel betrayed. You might be thinking, if he truly loved me and valued me, then he wouldn’t have done this. Your feeling of self worth and value are all too likely to be damaged and it can be so easy to let the actions of your husband undermine your view of yourself. Take time to understand that his actions, no matter how disrespectful to you, do nothing to change your worth. You can fight for your marriage, but you don’t need to compete. You can understand how valuable you are without standing on a pedestal and telling your husband how much of a horrible person he is. You can react to him with grace and wisdom without being a pushover. You can be a pillar of strength without a sense of feeling used or being harsh. Understanding these things will do miracles in your own mental battles that come with regaining trust and intimacy in your marriage.

You can fight for your marriage, but you don’t need to compete.
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6 | Forgive, forgive, forgive

Even if this really is the last time your husband messes up in the same way, chances are, you’re going to need to forgive him- at least in your own heart- more than once. I really hate to say it, but there are things my husband did a couple years ago that still pop into my mind from time to time. And when that happens, I need to forgive him all over again. Usually, he has absolutely no idea this is even happening. And I don’t think he should. He has made tremendous strides at loving me better and growing in intimacy with both me and God. So why would I bring something up that he did years ago?

Of course, it might not actually be the last time your husband messes up. And that’s when, in all honesty, you won’t have enough strength to forgive him on your own. It defies logic, really, to forgive someone more than once for the same thing. But if we can remember what Jesus did for us, forgiving us before we were even sorry, sacrificing himself for us when he didn’t deserve it and we did, and pulling on that strength and using it to forgive our own husband, forgiveness, even for more than one of the same offence, is possible.

Romans 5:1-8 says this:

“Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We have also obtained access through Him by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance produces proven character, and proven character produces hope. This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. For while we were still helpless, at the appointed moment, Christ died for the ungodly. For rarely will someone die for a just person- though for a good person perhaps someone might even dare to die. But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!”

Now, that’s not to say that we forgive our spouse to allow him to keep on with destructive behavior. Everything I’m writing about in this post is a group effort, a two-way street. You spouse if going to want to change and seek restoration. None of the advice in this post- or in the world- will work to help rebuild trust and intimacy unless your husband wants to change his behavior to help make that happen.

7 | Encourage and build up

As unnatural as this may feel to you at first, your husband will need to still know that you believe he has worth, is respectable, and there are things you are still proud of him for, even if you’re not proud of what he did. When you’re husband does something kind for you, even if it’s small, thank him. If he’s had a long day at work, tell him you’re proud of him for working hard.

Why is this so important?

If you want to rebuild your connection and intimacy with your spouse, he’s going to need to feel some level of respect from you. A man who feels like he has no respect from his wife will very likely withdraw into himself, refrain from being open, and loose confidence in ever being accepted by you again. Rebuilding trust will have to go both ways in your marriage. If he’s self aware at all, he’ll know that he hurt you and will feel some sort of guilt and remorse for that. People react to those feelings in different ways. If you want your husband to open up to you again, you need to let him know that he is in a safe place and you still love him, despite what happened.

Have your own story to share? What was something you did that helped rebuild intimacy and trust in your marriage after it had been lost? Share in the comments below and help a future reader!

Love you all!

 

In: divorce & separation, Marriage, Pornography, Relationships · Tagged: accountability, addiction, apologize, Christian, communicate, communication, forgive, forgiveness, help, love, marriage, porn, pornography, relationship, Respect, trust, value, weaknesses

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Comments

  1. D says

    January 8, 2017 at 3:31 am

    Wow!!
    Good advice!

  2. Yasmine @MommyCriesToo says

    February 3, 2017 at 3:30 am

    Thank you for stating that you don’t have to compete. I think a lot of people overlook this in their relationship.

    For the longest time, my husband and I would compete about everything, including who was more tired or who had a worse day. When we argued it was all about who had it worse–who was getting less.

    Using your advice can really help us all gain some insight and be better prepared. Many thanks. 🙂

  3. Rosemary loftis says

    May 30, 2020 at 5:41 pm

    Absolutely great article! Going through hurt now and trying to fix this. Great solutions. Seattle mommy

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Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.

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Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

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Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤

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1, 2, or 3?? @balielf making me feel pretty today 1, 2, or 3?? @balielf making me feel pretty today in all these gorgeous colors! 😍
#ad This past weekend I decided to do something re #ad This past weekend I decided to do something really fun for the kids and create a scavenger hunt for them with Kinder Joy eggs at the end! They had so much fun going throughout the house and the yard finding their clues and a special surprise was waiting for them at the end! They had so much fun putting their Jurassic World Dominion surprise together (David is obsessed with dinosaurs 🦖) as well as exploring the app that comes as a download from the Kinder Joy egg! Fun little surprises like these go such a long way and making the kids feel special 💗 
#KinderJoy #JurassicWorldDominion @kinderus
Now that we still have some sunlight hanging aroun Now that we still have some sunlight hanging around after the kids go to bed, my new thing is sipping a glass of wine on the back patio while making small talk with Josh and praying the kids stay in bed.
 
I've been obsessed with cleaning our house recently but I've been so good about it, I have nothing left to clean or tidy right now and I'm left to face the things I don't really want to think about like the fact that I miss my kids when they're at school or how I really want to fill this house up with some more of them 😅 

At any rate, one of my simple pleasures in life is decluttering and purging unused things and I feel like I've accomplished a lot!! What about you?
I've been DIYing my hair for five (?) ish years no I've been DIYing my hair for five (?) ish years now and while I can't claim I've always done it perfectly, I've found a great routine that works for my hair and saves so much $$$ in the process!! Are you brave enough to DIY your hair??
Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
I think this hairdo is perfect 👌 for anything y I think this hairdo is perfect 👌 for anything you want to do without getting your hair in your face: eating hot wings, riding on a boat, working out, the list goes on. Plus, you can wear it up ⬆️ or down ⬇️
Wife, mom, runner, writer, artist, or just the cle Wife, mom, runner, writer, artist, or just the cleaning lady?? ​😜
Josh is an old soul 🥰 and tonight he and I are Josh is an old soul 🥰 and tonight he and I are going to get to see a band from the 70s that he loves!! Any guesses who it is??
^^ Here's a fun hairstyle for a (date) night out 🌃
I think a sleek pony is honestly so cute for date I think a sleek pony is honestly so cute for date night OR work! I'm always wearing my hair up anyway, right?? Might as well make it cute 🥰
I video called Josh last night with this hair in a I video called Josh last night with this hair in and he asked, "Are you wearing pigtails??" And I was like, "No! .. well. Kind of."

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