Disrespect in marriage can go both ways. Women can react to disrespect from their husbands in many ways. I’m here to share a few positive ways women can react to disrespect in their marriages in order to handle it well and steer their marriage in the direction of grace and kindness again.
1 | Understand that just because he says it, doesn’t mean it’s true or right
Take time to practice telling yourself that you’re not how your husband makes you feel. Does your husband make you feel stupid? You’re not. Does he make you feel like you would be lost without him? You wouldn’t be. Does he make you feel ugly? That’s not up for him to decide. These are things that you need to be able to grasp yourself before you’ll ever be able to convince your husband of them. If you inherently know that you are smart, no matter what your husband tells you, you’ll be able to filter through his disrespect and respond in a much more productive way than just internalizing his words and being hurt. That’s not to say that being secure in who you are makes you unbreakable. Being disrespected by someone so close to you is always going to be very hurtful. But it doesn’t need to damage your view of yourself.
This also isn’t to say that you’re perfect. It’s extremely important to give yourself grace and room to not be perfect, but that also doesn’t mean that whenever your husband and you disagree, that you are inherently right, just because. Hear what your husband is saying. Determine whether he’s crossing the line into disrespectful territory, and then filter his words accordingly. On the off chance that your husband is just trying to help you be a better person, try humbly accepting his criticism. But if his standards and expectations of you are unmeetable, you might have to refer to my next point.
2 | Have a safe, wise friend
Sometimes, when we’re constantly being faced with disrespect, it can be easy to forget what “normal” is like. And although I think most marriage problems can and should be resolved between you and your husband, if you feel like he is constantly disrespecting you, having a safe and wise friend can be extremely helpful in reminding you that you are not alone, you are not how your husband makes you feel, and they can remind you what “normal” is; you know, how people and couples should treat each other.
I was in a relationship once where I was constantly talked down to and made to feel like I would be a hopeless wreck without him. It really had a strong affect on my self confidence until I had a job where my boss was my reminder of “normal.” Well, she wasn’t really “normal,” she was actually one of the most encouraging people I had ever met. She reminded me that I was smart, that I was a hard worker, and that I was valuable all by myself, without needing anyone to help me. She and I became close friends and having her in my life allowed me to face my relationship with a new kind of confidence. With my new confidence, I now knew that sometimes when he spoke, he was right and had good things to say, and other times he was wrong and I had to learn to filter that out and gently but confidently let him know that he was wrong. (More on that later).
Be cautious when choosing this friend, though. Be sure they’re not simply going to be someone you go to who will gossip with you about your husband until you momentarily feel better about yourself (and worse about him). Your friend will need to be someone who can hear your story, and without judging or becoming consumed with mama-bear anger for you, give you the advice that you need to hear. They can pray with you to give you strength in a hard situation and they can even be the one to help you find someone to intervene on your behalf. But be sure that this friend is first and foremost going to be respectful of your marriage and want you and your husband to succeed.
3 | Be slow to speak
While we can’t necessarily control the words that come our of our husband’s mouth, we can control how we react to them. And there’s actually a lot of power in that. If your husband makes a backhanded comment, even if, on the inside, you feel like lashing back, try to pause for a moment, remember your standards for him, and say something like, “Hey, please don’t talk to me that way.” Or maybe, “I’d prefer if you worded that more kindly.” Responding this way, no matter how hard in the moment, will do a lot in terms of putting the fire out, instead of fanning it with an angry retaliation, without compromising your standards for how you want to be treated.
One of the biggest things you can do to help bring an environment of respect back into your home is to first show respect. We often think that in order to give respect, it must be earned. But this is often a cause of the breakdown between a husband and wife- moment of disrespect upon moment of disrespect. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs can explain this much better than I can in his book Love & Respect
4 | Give him the benefit of the doubt, cautiously
Just because your husband will occasionally say something disrespectful, that doesn’t mean he meant to be disrespectful. He may actually have no idea how his words make you feel. I get a lot of stories from women who think their husband (even their newlywed husband) is a horrible person for something they said to them. But I just can’t understand how all these women were tricked into marrying horrible, disrespectful men. Maybe he actually just has no idea that his words and actions hurt. It could also be that he’s saying something that might have been perfectly acceptable in his own family, but would never be ok to say in yours, leaving you thinking, “How could he????”
When I first met my husband’s family (back when we were dating) I honestly couldn’t believe how they talked to each other. They openly teased and made fun of each other, called each other names (not bad ones, but ones like “chippy cheeks-” the Damon side always had big cheeks- or names like “fatty”). My family wouldn’t in a million years call someone “fatty.” But then I realized how they reacted to being called these things and being teased. They actually liked it. Everyone in their family felt the same about their banter- they all knew it was out of love. And they understood that just because you called someone “fatty,” it didn’t mean you literally thought they were fat, you were just pointing out the fact that they were on their 3rd donut.
Once I understood this, I began to realize that the seemingly hurtful things my husband had said to me, things that I internalized rather than laughed at, shouldn’t have been taken so seriously at all. Now, instead of internalizing his words and feeling hurt, I’ll come back with a cheeky (no pun intended) comeback that we both end up laughing about, now that I’m able to give my husband the benefit of the doubt that he’s just trying to have fun with me.
Although you may have different circumstances, try to ask yourself why you think your husband says the things that hurt you. Could he be just trying to play with you? Or is he stressed out at work and doesn’t know how to express it? (Which, of course, isn’t ok, but it is a place to start when trying to find a solution).
If you feel like your husband is stable enough to talk about the things he says, don’t wait until you hate his guts to say something!! So many of us women would much rather he just “get it” because, of course, he should know that he crossed a line. But, say, if he doesn’t know, someone’s going to need to tell him. And when you do, remember, if it’s respect you want, it’s really important to first show respect. Treat your husband exactly how you would like to be treated, that way he will never have room to say, “Why should I respect you when you don’t respect me?” Lead by example.
5 | Remind him that you expect more
It’s also so extremely important to show your husband that you have standards and expectations of your own. It’s entirely ok to say something like, “I’m not ok with the way you’re speaking to me.” Following that, you could also even say, “I expect better from you.” I think it’s really important to let our husbands know that we believe that they can be kind with their words. We’ve seen it before and we would like to see it again. This all goes along with giving your husband the benefit of the doubt. You know that he can be kind, but something right now is going on in his mind that is causing some sort of anger and bitterness to spill over. Your husband might not be able to control all of his circumstances, but he does have a choice in how he reacts to and processes them.
6 | Get help
Yeah, this had to come in here somewhere. There are some times when there will just be nothing that you can do or say to change your husband’s behavior. But there might be something someone else can say that might sink in. You know how we talked about our standard of “normal” earlier? Well, you might not be the only one who is liable to forget how people should normally treat each other. Your husband probably forgot too and in that case, he’s going to need someone other than you to remind him how to be kind again. Counseling may be an option, but sometimes all your husband needs is a good friend to speak honestly with him. Try having a trusted friend who wants to see you guys winning at marriage talk to your husband. Then, remember to have your own open conversation as well. If things persist, then counseling may be necessary to help remind your husband what “normal” is again.
Have you gone through periods of disrespect in your own marriage? What are practical things you did to help pull your marriage out of that dark place?
Remember to share this post on social media to help a wife who might secretly be struggling with disrespect in her own marriage.
Love you guys!!
Chelsea, a helpful post!
I agree with the premise of # 2 – (friend) but if a man is already acting out badly, (disrespectful) a woman needs to be very careful what she shares with others. Many men are hyper sensitive to their private life being mentioned to someone else which could make the matter worse.
If a woman only speaks about her low self-image, that would not be inflammatory. Often though, women seek another female to “unload” their baggage without understanding how it aggravates her husband. Even husbands who truly love their wife often feel violated if a wife turns to her mom or a friend to seek help for problems in the marriage.
Any woman has the right, and as you point out, the need to gain help for herself. My caution is to be careful as to “how” to proceed and not “if” to proceed.
Also, I appreciate your initial remarks concerning abuse. Our advice is the same, any person being abused should get professional help today, this hour!
A large part of our coaching is to encourage a spouse’s self-esteem. So this post struck a good nerve! Have a blessed day!
This is a great post and so on time for me. I am the friend you are referring to in #2 and have been praying about what to say and how to support her. This has given me some great points and things to focus on.
I am not in agreement. Disrespectful words even in “teasing” hurt, especially in public. I read a scientific study that showed that if a couple said disrespectful things to one another in public they were more likely to divorce. We are to lift one another up, not tear one another down. A man is to love his wife like Christ loved the church. I don’t remember Christ ever calling one of his disciples, Smelly Fish, Blow Fish Cheeks, Skinflint tax collector, or ANYTHING disrespectful even in “fun” or “teasing”. Women are to respect their husbands. “Teasing” words are not respectful. Lift each other up, tell each other what you like about each other, if you have something bothering you about your spouse, don’t go to a “friend”. Go to your spouse who is supposed to be your best friend and gently and lovingly discuss the situation. Forgive one another as Christ forgives you. Be gentle with each other. Remember, God gave this person to you as a help mate, to love and cherish.
I agree with this comment entirely. Thank you!
100 percent correct!! I took a lot from it.
What a great article, I believe you women are female chauvinist. I suffer a great deal of disrespect from my wife. I often get told by my family, her siblings and her parents that I shouldn’t let my wife treat me this way. Spot on article ; )
Actually found your article in the right time! Ama ing how God works! Will follow you on Instagram for sure! I di feel you gave wisdom & understanding. I am gratfUl! Will get that book you suggested,”love & respect”i am one person that believes all things WOrk out & it starts eith us!
I’m reading this article and replacing husband with wife. My wife has little respect for me and I’m starting to realize I’m in an abusive relationship. I’m suppose to feel like I screwed up all the time. I’m suppose to feel like I’m doing everything wrong. I’m supposed to feel like I’m pathetic. If something goes wrong, not only am I told about it, it gets ground into my soul. I’m not a husband, I’m a yes man and it sucks.
I need to do something and this post has provided some good tips. It’s been 16 years of saying “How high?” when asked to jump. Thank you.
Hi.
Have you talked to your wife, to let her know how she’s making you feel? If not, please do…before you jump ship. She may not realize just how hurt you are and she may change if she realizes she’s on the verge of losing you.
Mr. Smith, I feel the exact same way, only I am the wife. My God, I can do nothing right. He will start a conversation with “John said I should buy one”, and I’ll say, “John who?” and “buy what?” and he’ll jump all over me, like I should know exactly what he is talking about with no prior information. It’s just things like this all the time! If I trip up on a word, he interrupts me in mid sentence, yells at me and screams “stop stuttering”. I am not exaggerating. He is a bully and doesn’t respect me. He is always demanding I contact this person or that person to ask them for a favor. It’s never anything I want, but he wants it but doesn’t want to look needy and ask for it, so he badgers ME to do it for him. When I say no, he becomes irate and accuses me of being argumentative?? What??
I feel for you Mr. Smith. I, like you, don’t know what to do anymore. In fact, this has gone on for so long (20 years) that I’m certain there is nothing that is going to change this man’s behavior. He is selfish, controlling and heartless. If I didn’t have so much of my wealth wrapped up with him, I would leave him in a heartbeat.
Sandra, I’m in the same boat. I have to stay because I have children. I’m telling myself to wait till my children can be on their own then I’ll go.
Same here.. I’m sorry ur going through something like that I know exactly how it feels.. yes I’ll tried talking to my husband about it n he doesn’t want to hear it.. Not much I can do… Wishing u the best hope ur able to talk to ur wife n she can hear u out.
Sometimes an unkind word spoken is worse than a punch in the gut. Multiply those unkind words with multiple gut punches and you end up with someone who is being just as abused as the victim of physical abuse.
Isn’t as deadly you say? Really, there are thousands of women, and yes men, who are addicted to drug, alcohol or what have you in order to deal with the daily verbal assaults. Many commit suicide or even homicide.
Children living in that type of environment are just as likely to choose a similar relationship for themselves as those who live in an environment that has physical abuse.
My comments do not come from someone without experience. Furthermore, no counselor worth their degree is going to encourage anyone to remain in an abusive relationship, physical or emotional, when damage is occurring. Get out, then seek help. In that order period.
AWESOME ADVICE!!
Emotional abuse is as BAD as Physical Abuse… Name calling is a form of Emotional/Psychological abuse and should not be tolerated either way. My husband grew up in a physical /emotional abusive home( his father was abusive and he lost his mom to Depression from it all). He is no better than his Dad and when I remind him of that from the stories he told me, he gets very upset. It is sad that our children see this. They need a better example….. We should be better examples for our kids.. I told him he should stop blaming his dad and be the one that BREAKS that cycle of Abuse….
I tell ya I feel like a odd ball. I was googling diff situations and it would be like “wife doesn’t work, or clean, hubby works, does laundry and cook why does wife one min act one way but when one gets def and screams and is disre when I take care of it all. Or why wives lie on good people for sympathy and att . What’s sad I can’t find any of that in a wife’s role at all. I find all the topics but it’s all men doing it. Why
In the hell is my situation a rarity. I don’t get it at all.
Hi.
Have you talked to your wife, to let her know how she’s making you feel? If not, please do…before you jump ship. She may not realize just how hurt you are and she may change if she realizes she’s on the verge of losing you.
Hi it’s a great post and exactly how I am feeling these days. My husband has this weird attitude and argues h
Just to put me down. My personality is on the softer side and without reading the post I have tried all the methods you mentioned above. However he does not even consider this king of what I said and just walks away from the conversations. All I do is cry out loud, that’s just my way of expressing my helplessness and anger maybe. U have two girls and during birth my pregnancies I have had episodes where I am losing myself and feeling super down. He does come around for max 2 days and things steel back to square one when we argue. All the things he says are hurtful and sometimes provoke me to get into an argument.Now what u do is just walk away from the conversation and just mind my matters. He still comments but I just try to succumb it and not react. Any advice what j should do?
My husband of 14 years is chronically angry man. He is over the top angry over stupid things, acts aggressively at inanimate objects, is overly opinionated (like how people who talk about politics) and talks at me, rather than to me. He is a road-rage driver, and gets angrier when I ask him to consider my safety While I am in the car. I have expressed to him that I feel unsafe when he speeds and tails people or flips other drivers off because it could cause someone to retaliate and I could be the one getting shot. I told him he can drive however way He wants when he is alone, but to please consider me, my feelings and to keep me safe. He often says he is so intelligent that he sees things other people don’t see. But if he were so intelligent, then why is he so mean spirited, rude, condescending? He works from home, so isn’t around his co-workers like he used to be. I hated it when he started working from home. He talks incessantly even when he sees I am reading. Often he talks about things that I can’t engage with so it’s like he wants an audience. Every day he smokes pot, and he is just not getting how his being high creates division spirituality between us. I have stopped asking him to stop smoking pot, which he thinks I am finally Ok with it. But I am not. Ever since he started working from home and smokes pot daily and all day sometimes, we have stopped going to church. He complains often how the preacher is this or that or the worship team doesn’t play the right songs. Blah blah blah. Excuses excuses excuses. He is lazy around the house but then his mom always did the cooking and cleaning. I have acquiescenced for the sake of having peace. He has derailed my ability to work from home as he constantly interrupted, disrupted me and client work. So I am trapped and for some reason can’t find a job even though I have excellent skills. He is a know it all, so no point in going to counseling. Every day I pray that his company will make him go to the office. But now with Covid-19 that won’t Happen.
There are good things about him but the bad traits are extremely over bearing. Even people – strangers – have said things to him About his aggression, or that he is over the top. I don’t get it. He has so much to be grateful for, we have a ton of money in the bank, no debt, he has a dream job and getting paid well. but he is always angry and frustrated. He expects the world to cater to him and things are suppose to flow well for him 24:7. I cringe when he talks especially when he is talking about himself and how smart he is. I cringe when he goes on his tangent about how everyone else is just too stupid or short sighted to know how to do this or that. self aggrandizement. He tells me he loves me daily, and I am not worried about him being unfaithful because no woman would want an angry man who is self absorbed and know it all, and needs an audience 24/7. I’m like,” please ! Take him!” He just doesn’t see me as a human being. I’m like a side kick or a pet. When I stand up for myself he attacks me and goes pretty low. I know who I am, and laugh inside as to how small he is IF he thinks he can belittle and berate me. I ignore him. I told him he talks so much, it is hard to know what part I should listen to or if he just is talking a lot. What causes this ? Is he a sociopath ? I am the longest relationship he has had. He was married before but that marriage ended a few years later and badly. He just doesn’t get how his behavior, words, smoking pot damages relationships. He should be thanking God for me and take initiative to help me around the house and to be humble. I’m stuck. I Vacillate between loving him and being compassionate to wishing he would leave me for another woman so she can tell him what a D- – – he is then he will take seriously what I have been saying to him all these years. Enough said. Respect a man who has a bad habit of bulldozing over me and continuously disrespects me no matter how nice, giving I am! Ok I will just be a floorMat!
COVERT NARCISSIST…. is the only thing I can think of now after reading your post. Sorry that I don’t have no advice for you as my case is some how like yours. He wants me to quit my job because he thinks I am dating the BOSS.. He is kicking me out of the house because I refuse to quit my job…..( mind you– he really does not help me financially and spends money on fancy things). He is well educated and accomplished but always so angry..
Prayers for God’s Guidance and Direction.
Please — there is so much information on QUORA.. It has helped me alot.
Same here.. I’m sorry ur going through something like that I know exactly how it feels.. yes I’ll tried talking to my husband about it n he doesn’t want to hear it.. Not much I can do… Wishing u the best hope ur able to talk to ur wife n she can hear u out.
My husband keeps telling me that I do not respect him. But at the same time, I’m at the mercy of him behaving violent at home if he is angry. If I share how I feel, he tells me that I do worse. I caught him cheating once and even though we worked things out, he keeps making demeaning vulgar comments at me and dragging my parents into the arguments. I feel so small, hopeless and helpless. Even if he makes a mistake, he somehow relates it to an action of mine and does not take any responsibility. My brain keeps throbbing and I feel suicidal. Please help.
Such a great post, I totally agree, but what happens if he’s always gossiping his wife to his friends and doesn’t stop talking down on you. But rather happier whenever you bring forth either large cash to spend for the house or buy him gifts, do all you can to make him happy, only for you to realise he’s only happy when he’s getting so much of everything from you. And I realized my husband never forgives easily too.. What do I do??
I totally understand because I have lived it every day of 18 years.( year one was great) My husband is angry, hot tempered , hyper critical, and shut off all intimacy over 5 years ago. When he gets mad, he goes for the jugular. He screams a laundry list of every thing wrong with me and why I am such a loser and disappointment to him. He is ultra sensitive, and I never know know what will set him off. I have fibromyalgia and crippling migraines and he shows me no mercy or empathy to the chronic pain. I believe the stress of being with him ( he recently retired) 24 hours a day is what is making me ill. I have no one to turn to since my Sister died. I have no means of support and he has tied all the money up in things I do not control. Now he wants to go on a RV trip for 2 months straight and if I tell him I cannot go, he will make my life even worse. I have given him support and love, but he seems to have nothing but contempt for me. Every year he gets more angry, and just trying to talk to him about it brings an episode that makes me regret saying a word. I am shell shocked and constantly on edge. It is so hard to see him be so sweet, attentive and affectionate to our two dogs , then rejects me and never has anything positive to say. I try to talk to people about it, but because he is nice to everyone else, I can tell they do not believe he could be so hateful to me. I just pray every night that one of us dies, because either way I will be free. I am 62, and cannot survive without means. I have gone to counseling, he will not go with me, because the one time we went together, the counselor said he shouldn’t make his wife afraid, that made him mad and he said he would never go back. The counselor told me I either have to leave or learn to deal with the abuse . I have had a migraine for over a week now. I wish God would take me.