5 Steps to take if you find your husband using porn

Hey lovely ladies,

So recently I’ve had this small voice telling me that I’ve been neglecting the issue of pornography here on Living the Sweet Wife. I mean, I write for marriages, and porn is kind of a big issue. I guess I’ve just been putting off opening Pandora’s box for a while. But, to be honest, I haven’t neglected it completely. I actually dedicate a whole chapter (plus some) to the issue of pornography in my new ebook Repurposed Marriage.

Anyway, before the comments come in, I’d like to say that I realize men aren’t the only ones who view pornography (I talk about that in my book too). But it many marriages it is that case if either a husband or wife seeks out porn, it will most likely be the husband. Many wives upon finding out that their husband uses porn (understandably) feel betrayed, embarrassed, as if their husband doesn’t see them as “good enough”, and possibly like a failure as a wife. Along with all these feelings, resentment and anger can easily build up and create a wall between you and your husband.

There are several different angles we could take when confronting the issue of porn in a marriage, but in this post I’m going to assume that your husband calls himself a Christian and knows that seeking out porn is- if anything- regretful.

Ok, let’s start here.

1 Pray

As a wife finding out that your husband uses porn, you’re sifting through a lot of emotions right now! Anger, for one. Sadness and insecurity are probably a couple others. And don’t forget resentment. All are probably happening in a bitter rotation that you’re not sure what to do with and/or who to go to.

Growing up in the church, I always heard things like “Go go God with your problems!” and a little part of me would think, “Ok, and then after I do that, how do I actually deal with them?” The thing is, we can’t begin to actually address our problems in a way that is honoring to God until we go to Him and ask Him to take control of the situation before we attempt to do anything in our own power. With emotions and human nature getting in the way, it’ll be pretty tough to make any decisions that will actually be constructive and helpful in a godly way.

2 Forgive

Remember what Christ did for you

Trying to forgive someone who has hurt you, especially someone so close to you like your husband, would take loads of willpower, unless you realize how much sense it makes to forgive when you remember how much we, ourselves, have already been forgiven. So even if you’re thinking that your husband doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, well, frankly, neither did you. Or I. Romans 5:8 says this:

“But God proves His own love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us!”

Christ, who lived a much better life than any of us (ahem, a perfect one), chose to die for people who, we would say, are much worse than us. If Christ gives hope and forgiveness to those people, we imperfect wives can take some of that hope and forgiveness and extend it to our husbands, even when they don’t deserve it.

3 Confront

Have you read my post about whether or not Christian wives need to put up with their husband’s crap? You can read that here. As wives, we are given the responsibility to serve our husbands, but that doesn’t mean agreeing with or allowing everything they do! Not at all. Sometimes the serving-est thing we can do for our husband is confront him and challenge him to live a more godly life! (Not forgetting the grace and forgiveness we talked about in the first couple points).

Pornography is an issue, yes. Not only does it build a wall smack in the middle of you and your husband’s intimacy garden, it also slaps God’s gift of sex and his creation in the face! If we as Christians believe that God is the most beautiful thing and the ultimate prize in life, the one for whom we lived, would we be worshiping (yes worshiping) something that both disrespects His creation (sex and people made in His image) and disregards Christ as our ultimate prize? I don’t think so.

These points need to be made clear to your husband. If he is a Christian, he should at least want to honor God with his life and want to have a relationship with Him that is unhindered by sin. If neither of those things matter to your husband, then I would say we have a bigger issue on our hands: dealing with whether or not your husband is truly a Christian to begin with. But let’s assume that those things are true.

4 Reconcile

When Christ died for us so that we could be forgiven, he didn’t just stop there. He gave us His Holy Spirit so that we could be reconnected and reconciled to God. If/when your husband seeks forgiveness after using pornography, two instances of reconciliation need to happen:

Your husband and God

If your husband is a Christian, then he already has the grace of God covering his sins; yes, even the ones he just committed. There’s no waiting period to be truly forgiven by God. If your husband is a Christian, though, he will feel remorse for seeking something out that doesn’t honor Christ and will still seek out forgiveness for that.

[tweetthis twitter_handles=”@damonchels” url=”https://goo.gl/H5Jyqx”]There’s no waiting period to be forgiven by God #forgiven #christianity #marriage #addiction[/tweetthis]

In my ebook I talk about how my husband, Josh, and I both struggled with seeking out pornography in the past. But by God’s grace, we have been able to overcome our struggles with ponrography. Before we were married, I thought that the only reason we struggled with lust was because we had built up sexual tension (or whatever you want to call it), and that’s what made it so difficult to keep our minds and eyes away from porn.

What we later found, after pornography was still an issue after we got married (which is the case for many many Christian and non Christian marriages), was that it wasn’t about built up sexual tension at all. But rather a lack of desire for God. The times when Josh and I struggled with pornography the most were when our apathy towards God was at its strongest. It was when we had a huge, complacent, “Eh” attitude towards God that pornography seemed the most OK.

Truly desiring Christ and seeing Him as the most beautiful thing in life will be the only thing that will keep you from returning to a pronography addiction. Simply trying really hard won’t cut it.

You and your husband

While you can pray for your husband and his reconciliation with God, that is going to be very much his own thing to work out. However, your reconciliation with your husband is when the ball is truly in your court. Yes, he has the chance to “make it up to you” but you have the ability to do whatever you want with that. You can take it, shove it back in his face, or take it but still hold on to bad memories and wisps of resentment popping in to your mind without notice.

Being able to reconcile with your husband will not happen until you are able to forgive him. Which, by the way, usually happens before you feel like doing it. Also remember, that there is always hope for your relationship with your husband when God is involved, just like there is always hope for your relationship with God. Be open both with God and your husband about any residual feelings you have of hurt and insecurity, being careful not to hold them over your husband’s head.

5 Accountability

I’m not going to say that accountability softwares are pointless. I think it can help some people. But the thing is, if your husband wants to look at porn and the software is implemented as a babysitter, he’s going to find a way around it. The only thing that will make change happen is when your husband desires God more than the feeling he gets when he views porn. Plain and simple.

That being said, accountability, in the personal sense, has tremendous value. In Acts 2, Peter preaches a sermon where he calls non believers to repent and come to Christ:

“‘Repent,’ Peter said to them, ‘and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit.’”

After these people repented, found forgiveness, and now called themselves followers of Christ, we see how they lived their lives:

“Now all the believers were together and held all things in common. They sold their possessions and property and distributed the proceeds to all, as anyone had a need. Every day they devoted themselves to meeting together in the temple complex, and broke bread from house to house. They ate their food with a joyful and humble attitude, praising God and having favor with all the people. And every day the Lord added to them those who were being saved.”

These believers, once they repented from their sins, chose to live life together. How does this apply to us Christians today? By seeking out other Christians to share life with. That doesn’t just mean sharing the good times together (like all the happy moments we share on Facebook or Instagram) but sharing real life together. Asking your husband to meet with humble, Jesus-loving, men from your church to hold him accountable will be what makes a real difference when the next time comes that he is tempted to view porn.

So ladies, I hope these points help you in taking the first steps towards a hopeful and joyful future with your hubby, even after a pornography addiction. Of course, these steps require willings parties on both sides. In the future I’ll be writing about what to do if you find yourself in the middle of a pornography addiction.

I’d love to hear your own stories in the comments below! Have you reconciled with your husband after pornography or something else that was extremely hurtful? What steps did you take to repair the relationship? What steps do you do now to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

All my love,