8 Signs Your Relationship is Immature
Ever find yourself embarrassed because you just couldn’t help having that fight over text? Or maybe you found yourself trying to “get” your significant other to do something rather than just asking. I’ve been there. And I think you’ve been there, too. Here are 8 signs your relationship in immature and how to take the steps towards maturity.
1 Not saying what you mean OR beating around the bush
Now as much as I think it’s super valuable to have tact and to be kind when speaking to anyone, a lot of people have the problem of beating around the bush to get what they want. And to be honest, this mostly does nothing but backfire on the person doing the bush-beating. Trust me, I should know. I used to be the queen of beating around the bush. What is now, “Hey Josh, could you remember to do the dishes today, please?” used to be, “Hmm… the dishes are really piling up, aren’t they? I’m going to be gone most of the day. I guess I could probably manage to get to them later tonight when I get home.”
It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that beating around the bush just does not work. When we try to beat around the bush to get what we want, we honestly just often won’t. My husband isn’t a mind reader. He’s not even good at taking hints. If there’s something I want him to do, whether it be a chore, change in behavior, attitude, whatever- I need to ask for that thing directly.
Also, notice that I say “ask.” This can also make all the difference when addressing an issue or simply asking for a favor. Just listen to the difference between “Josh, make sure you do the dishes today” and “Josh, could you do the dishes today, please?” There’s no difference in the directness, but there’s a huge difference in how he’ll feel about doing it.
2 Playing games
I’m going to be honest here- this drives me nuts. This can easily go along with not saying what you mean, but it takes it a few manipulative steps further. By “playing games” with your significant other, one will have a specific goal in mind, but will find an extremely roundabout, manipulative, passive-aggressive way to get there. An obvious example of this is when someone tries to make their significant other jealous by hanging out with other’s who they know will inspire jealousy in their significant other. I knew an engaged couple who, unfortunately, both did this to each other. And, as you could probably guess, they are no longer together. Their relationship- of more than 10 years- sadly just crumbled under the pressure and manipulation that playing games and not addressing issues directly inevitably does to a relationship!
3 Making points just to make a point
Disclaimer: I love my husband and he is my best friend in the world. That being said, he totally sucks at this. My middle child of a husband truly missed his calling when he didn’t become a lawyer. And for the longest time, I had no idea how to have an effective argument- ahh I mean discussion- with him. Rest assured, he has tremendously improved since our dating days and is much more aware that the goal of a discussion is meant to be one that brings unity, a solution, and reconciliation.
I think that many people (at times myself included) feel a deep need to validate themselves and prove themselves to be right at the expense of the other person in the discussion. What people lose sight of is what they really, ultimately want from the discussion which is- I hope- to come to an agreement and a solution with their significant other and live happily ever after. Often times, when point-makers forget that that’s what they actually want, they will sadly deflate and tear down their significant other in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
How to avoid being a point-maker:
Sometimes, you will need to make points- and good ones at that. All this isn’t to say that one shouldn’t be logical, up front, and honest. BUT- remember what your end goal is and what you ultimately want. I think most people would say that they ultimately want a happy, peaceful, fun relationship with their significant other. So, if you must, do make good points in your argument, but always do so while considering the other person’s feelings, intentions, and motives. Try your best to put yourself in their shoes. This will help you to keep a humble attitude and remember that sometimes you’re not perfect either.
4 Fighting over text
If you’re older than 12, you probably know this is a bad idea. Tones can sound a lot harsher in someone else’s mind than it sounded in yours. It also helps to be able to look someone in the eye. Also, it’s proven that people will just be nicer to you in person versus when they can’t see your face.
As strong as the urge may be, I plead with you, never fight over text. That might mean saying something like, “I think we should pick this up later when we’re together.” This not only will give you a chance to cool down before you continue the discussion but will probably make the actual discussion much much shorter when you won’t be needing to type a response, wait, read, type, wait, think of something snarky to say, wait.
Overall, fighting over text has no benefits and it’s just a bad idea. But again, you probably didn’t need to hear that from me.
5 Not having healthy and happy separation
This right here is a tell tail sign of an immature relationship. There may be something romantic attached to the thought that you and your significant other are inseparable; but are two overly reliant people really cute?
In any relationship, even marriage, each person will need his or her space to do their own thing once in a while. My husband and I, although extremely close, have our own hobbies we like to do separately. I like to go to coffee shops and write for Living the Sweet Wife. He likes to play soccer with his friends. When we come back together after doing our own thing, we feel refreshed, excited about what we’re doing, and excited for each other for having interests that we both enjoy doing.
I’m also a huge advocate for doing things WITH your significant other. I think many people, the longer they’ve been together, forget that there’s so much they can do with their significant other! So yes, definitely have activities that you love to do together; but also have some that you can do separately, whether that’s alone or with friends. It truly is healthy if you can be apart from each other, enjoy that time for what it is (living in the moment), and then come together again later, having not been phased by the separation.
6 Always going to friends to help you solve problems
Let me say that I totally understand that sometimes you may feel like you HAVE to tell someone what you’re dealing with or else you’ll explode. I totally get that. But what I believe isn’t healthy, is when a woman has a hard time addressing issues in her relationship on her own. I mean, yeah, sometimes you may need to talk things out with a friend or family member to help give you some perspective or even help intervene in a harmful situation, but most conflicts in most relationships can and should be resolved between the two individuals themselves.
There is a bit of a learning curve when figuring out how to handle conflict in a relationship, even in marriage. But after a while, it should become something a couple becomes good at; that is if they’re doing their best to be humble, consider the other person, and pursue reconciliation.
I have had so many friends- dating, engaged, married- come to me with different relationship problems. They tell me what’s going on, tell me how it makes them feel, tell me how they would like things to change. And most of the time, it’s pretty reasonable stuff (with the occasional whacko in there 😉 ). When they ask me what they should do about the situation, I say, “Go and tell your [significant other] exactly what you just told me. Tell them what they’re doing that bothers you, why it bothers you, how it makes you feel, and what types of changes you’d like to see.” And most of the time, it’s as if they never even thought about telling their [significant other] exactly what they told me with the same amount of honesty and transparency.
Dealing with issues in your relationship doesn’t always need to be extremely complicated. Sometimes it just takes a whole bunch of honesty, love, and a desire to have a better relationship.
7 Always having to be “done up”
This is something that I think almost all relationships naturally move away from over time. So if this is something you feel like is an issue within your own relationship, give it time and you will probably- hopefully- become comfortable enough to let down some walls and bring some makeup remover into your relationship.
There are women, however, who deal with deep insecurities who will have a very hard time getting over the fear of what their significant other might think of them if they’re not “at their best.” If this is you reading this today, do a little soul searching (and also read this post I wrote about insecurity in relationships) are the reasons for your insecurities rooted in words and actions of your significant other? Or are they your own problem that you brought into the relationship? If this is an issue with your significant other, there needs to be some talking done, and whether or not you’re already married, maybe a reanalysis of the relationship. If this is a problem that only you have brought to the relationship, it may be wise to seek some mature guidance from a counselor, friend, or family member.
It’s always good to remember that each individual person will have their own individual comfort levels. Some girls can leave the house without makeup on (#messyhairdontcare) and totally rock it without a second thought. Some women would feel self-conscious and uncomfortable doing that. Either can be fine as long as each woman realizes that her self-worth is not in her done-up face and hair. It’s something she born with.
8 Not being willing to put in the effort for ya man
On the flip side, I’ve seen so many women jump off the deep end of being “comfortable” in their relationship. And most of them find a way to take pride in this. Saying that their relationship is so strong that they never need to make the effort to look nice for their significant other. Honestly, it’s really great that you’re comfortable in your relationship, but your man only has one woman he get’s to be with, why force him to be with a Frump-A-Saurus? Now I’m not in any way saying that if you’re not a size 2, you’re not trying hard enough. And again- each woman will have her own level of comfort with it comes to making an effort for her man. Some women love lipstick, some hate it. But even if you hate lipstick, there’s something you can do to keep yourself up.
And don’t let your man be your only source of motivation to keep yourself up either! While it’s great to want to look nice for your man, it’s not healthy if he’s the only reason you’re doing it. Make the effort to stay healthy, even if don’t have time for the gym. I know in my own life, my gym time has become me-time. But even if you can’t make it to the gym, it doesn’t take any more time to pick out healthy foods at the grocery store versus the unhealthy ones. Simply making the effort to take care of yourself will show others, including your significant other, that you care enough about yourself and the ones you love to make healthy choices.
So what about you guys? Have you ever found yourself in an immature relationship? What did you do to make change happen? Share your thoughts in the comments below and reply to others if you can totally relate!!