8 Signs Your Relationship is Immature
Ever find yourself embarrassed because you just couldn’t help having that fight over text? Or maybe you found yourself trying to “get” your significant other to do something rather than just asking. I’ve been there. And I think you’ve been there, too. Here are 8 signs your relationship in immature and how to take the steps towards maturity.
1 Not saying what you mean OR beating around the bush
Now as much as I think it’s super valuable to have tact and to be kind when speaking to anyone, a lot of people have the problem of beating around the bush to get what they want. And to be honest, this mostly does nothing but backfire on the person doing the bush-beating. Trust me, I should know. I used to be the queen of beating around the bush. What is now, “Hey Josh, could you remember to do the dishes today, please?” used to be, “Hmm… the dishes are really piling up, aren’t they? I’m going to be gone most of the day. I guess I could probably manage to get to them later tonight when I get home.”
It took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that beating around the bush just does not work. When we try to beat around the bush to get what we want, we honestly just often won’t. My husband isn’t a mind reader. He’s not even good at taking hints. If there’s something I want him to do, whether it be a chore, change in behavior, attitude, whatever- I need to ask for that thing directly.
Also, notice that I say “ask.” This can also make all the difference when addressing an issue or simply asking for a favor. Just listen to the difference between “Josh, make sure you do the dishes today” and “Josh, could you do the dishes today, please?” There’s no difference in the directness, but there’s a huge difference in how he’ll feel about doing it.
2 Playing games
I’m going to be honest here- this drives me nuts. This can easily go along with not saying what you mean, but it takes it a few manipulative steps further. By “playing games” with your significant other, one will have a specific goal in mind, but will find an extremely roundabout, manipulative, passive-aggressive way to get there. An obvious example of this is when someone tries to make their significant other jealous by hanging out with other’s who they know will inspire jealousy in their significant other. I knew an engaged couple who, unfortunately, both did this to each other. And, as you could probably guess, they are no longer together. Their relationship- of more than 10 years- sadly just crumbled under the pressure and manipulation that playing games and not addressing issues directly inevitably does to a relationship!
3 Making points just to make a point
Disclaimer: I love my husband and he is my best friend in the world. That being said, he totally sucks at this. My middle child of a husband truly missed his calling when he didn’t become a lawyer. And for the longest time, I had no idea how to have an effective argument- ahh I mean discussion- with him. Rest assured, he has tremendously improved since our dating days and is much more aware that the goal of a discussion is meant to be one that brings unity, a solution, and reconciliation.
I think that many people (at times myself included) feel a deep need to validate themselves and prove themselves to be right at the expense of the other person in the discussion. What people lose sight of is what they really, ultimately want from the discussion which is- I hope- to come to an agreement and a solution with their significant other and live happily ever after. Often times, when point-makers forget that that’s what they actually want, they will sadly deflate and tear down their significant other in an attempt to feel better about themselves.
How to avoid being a point-maker:
Sometimes, you will need to make points- and good ones at that. All this isn’t to say that one shouldn’t be logical, up front, and honest. BUT- remember what your end goal is and what you ultimately want. I think most people would say that they ultimately want a happy, peaceful, fun relationship with their significant other. So, if you must, do make good points in your argument, but always do so while considering the other person’s feelings, intentions, and motives. Try your best to put yourself in their shoes. This will help you to keep a humble attitude and remember that sometimes you’re not perfect either.
4 Fighting over text
If you’re older than 12, you probably know this is a bad idea. Tones can sound a lot harsher in someone else’s mind than it sounded in yours. It also helps to be able to look someone in the eye. Also, it’s proven that people will just be nicer to you in person versus when they can’t see your face.
As strong as the urge may be, I plead with you, never fight over text. That might mean saying something like, “I think we should pick this up later when we’re together.” This not only will give you a chance to cool down before you continue the discussion but will probably make the actual discussion much much shorter when you won’t be needing to type a response, wait, read, type, wait, think of something snarky to say, wait.
Overall, fighting over text has no benefits and it’s just a bad idea. But again, you probably didn’t need to hear that from me.
5 Not having healthy and happy separation
This right here is a tell tail sign of an immature relationship. There may be something romantic attached to the thought that you and your significant other are inseparable; but are two overly reliant people really cute?
In any relationship, even marriage, each person will need his or her space to do their own thing once in a while. My husband and I, although extremely close, have our own hobbies we like to do separately. I like to go to coffee shops and write for Living the Sweet Wife. He likes to play soccer with his friends. When we come back together after doing our own thing, we feel refreshed, excited about what we’re doing, and excited for each other for having interests that we both enjoy doing.
I’m also a huge advocate for doing things WITH your significant other. I think many people, the longer they’ve been together, forget that there’s so much they can do with their significant other! So yes, definitely have activities that you love to do together; but also have some that you can do separately, whether that’s alone or with friends. It truly is healthy if you can be apart from each other, enjoy that time for what it is (living in the moment), and then come together again later, having not been phased by the separation.
6 Always going to friends to help you solve problems
Let me say that I totally understand that sometimes you may feel like you HAVE to tell someone what you’re dealing with or else you’ll explode. I totally get that. But what I believe isn’t healthy, is when a woman has a hard time addressing issues in her relationship on her own. I mean, yeah, sometimes you may need to talk things out with a friend or family member to help give you some perspective or even help intervene in a harmful situation, but most conflicts in most relationships can and should be resolved between the two individuals themselves.
There is a bit of a learning curve when figuring out how to handle conflict in a relationship, even in marriage. But after a while, it should become something a couple becomes good at; that is if they’re doing their best to be humble, consider the other person, and pursue reconciliation.
I have had so many friends- dating, engaged, married- come to me with different relationship problems. They tell me what’s going on, tell me how it makes them feel, tell me how they would like things to change. And most of the time, it’s pretty reasonable stuff (with the occasional whacko in there 😉 ). When they ask me what they should do about the situation, I say, “Go and tell your [significant other] exactly what you just told me. Tell them what they’re doing that bothers you, why it bothers you, how it makes you feel, and what types of changes you’d like to see.” And most of the time, it’s as if they never even thought about telling their [significant other] exactly what they told me with the same amount of honesty and transparency.
Dealing with issues in your relationship doesn’t always need to be extremely complicated. Sometimes it just takes a whole bunch of honesty, love, and a desire to have a better relationship.
7 Always having to be “done up”
This is something that I think almost all relationships naturally move away from over time. So if this is something you feel like is an issue within your own relationship, give it time and you will probably- hopefully- become comfortable enough to let down some walls and bring some makeup remover into your relationship.
There are women, however, who deal with deep insecurities who will have a very hard time getting over the fear of what their significant other might think of them if they’re not “at their best.” If this is you reading this today, do a little soul searching (and also read this post I wrote about insecurity in relationships) are the reasons for your insecurities rooted in words and actions of your significant other? Or are they your own problem that you brought into the relationship? If this is an issue with your significant other, there needs to be some talking done, and whether or not you’re already married, maybe a reanalysis of the relationship. If this is a problem that only you have brought to the relationship, it may be wise to seek some mature guidance from a counselor, friend, or family member.
It’s always good to remember that each individual person will have their own individual comfort levels. Some girls can leave the house without makeup on (#messyhairdontcare) and totally rock it without a second thought. Some women would feel self-conscious and uncomfortable doing that. Either can be fine as long as each woman realizes that her self-worth is not in her done-up face and hair. It’s something she born with.
8 Not being willing to put in the effort for ya man
On the flip side, I’ve seen so many women jump off the deep end of being “comfortable” in their relationship. And most of them find a way to take pride in this. Saying that their relationship is so strong that they never need to make the effort to look nice for their significant other. Honestly, it’s really great that you’re comfortable in your relationship, but your man only has one woman he get’s to be with, why force him to be with a Frump-A-Saurus? Now I’m not in any way saying that if you’re not a size 2, you’re not trying hard enough. And again- each woman will have her own level of comfort with it comes to making an effort for her man. Some women love lipstick, some hate it. But even if you hate lipstick, there’s something you can do to keep yourself up.
And don’t let your man be your only source of motivation to keep yourself up either! While it’s great to want to look nice for your man, it’s not healthy if he’s the only reason you’re doing it. Make the effort to stay healthy, even if don’t have time for the gym. I know in my own life, my gym time has become me-time. But even if you can’t make it to the gym, it doesn’t take any more time to pick out healthy foods at the grocery store versus the unhealthy ones. Simply making the effort to take care of yourself will show others, including your significant other, that you care enough about yourself and the ones you love to make healthy choices.
So what about you guys? Have you ever found yourself in an immature relationship? What did you do to make change happen? Share your thoughts in the comments below and reply to others if you can totally relate!!
I love this post!! I wish more ladies looked like they chose make-up over frumpiness. I feel very secure in my marriage, but it is important to me that my husband see me make an effort for him and myself. Throw the sweats away and wear t/shirts on Saturday when you’re doing yard work. Also, what helps me in relationships that sometimes become conflicting is where In God’s Word It explains that I do not need to get the last word or feel justified, even if I have been treated unfairly. It is better to show the love of God and to humble myself before Him so as not to ruin my testimony. We should talk things out in marriage and seek resolution and restoration. In marriage and other relationships we may need to swallow our pride and move on from an issue. Always remain firm in primary issues of the faith like salvation, but not argumentative in secondary issues.
Melanie Pickett says
I agree with most of these. I’ve been in an immature relationship before years ago and I’m in a very mature and selfless marriage now. There’s a big and wonderful difference.
These are some true points! Totally agree with all of them.
Love this article! Good things to remember when I date again, and eventually get married. Great advice! Thank you for this! =)
Ophelia Love says
I feel very conflicted on this post. While I do understand taking care of one’s self…I am struggling with some idea that hair & makeup are standards a spouse should expect. As you might imagine, I am a woman who doesn’t mess with those things. I personally find no value in them. I am thankfully married to a man who is just as happy with me however I am in this regard. But I think this is more a cultural illness that needs help to heal rather than encourage honestly.
I used to work full time until recently, always had, worked in public & as such I was done head to toe for work, daily. On weekends I was no makeup, no hair, no fuss. I recently have been able to stay home with my kids & my weekend look is not my daily look. But honestly none of that has to do with my husband. It doesn’t. He also doesn’t cut his hair or shave (or not) his face for me. We have had 23 great years together & I have never once felt my weight, my body, my face or my hair played a single role in anything between us & I would not be pleased to think otherwise. He married me…who I *am* not how I look thankfully. And at the times when I have been most unhappy with my physicality he always seems completely perplexed that I don’t find myself attractive. I am about to- drop a bombshell here too…I don’t even shave. Truly. It started out for a completely separate reason, but I’ve never found a reason to return to it. I like myself how * actually am made…my God….hair & all, apart from some weird cultural obsession with telling women the “appropriate’ looks for a woman. I look how *I* wish to look & I would never want to be romantically involved with a person who thought I *should* conform to some cultural ideal in order to maintain his attraction…because if that is the case you cross over from preference into fetish…and do not be mistaken, removal of body hair, make up, etc, in *order to* maintain attraction is in fact in the realm of how fetish is defined.
And the prevailing culture in North America seems as such currently that I had people, after I stopped working, take me aside to find out if I was “depressed” – due to not wearing makeup? Not having fancy hair? Seriously. THAT is what makes them think I am depressed…lol Rather ironic as I am so pleased to have finally, on our last baby, be able to be home with her & instead people immediately think something is wrong because I don’t look like I am heading to my sales job. It’s laughable for a minute & then makes me want to cry *for* them, that THIS is how women are viewed. I’ve honestly never been more at peace in my life, happier with my current situation & my marriage is in excellent shape. We even take a slight amount of cheeky pride that we had an oopsie baby in our 40’s when we never did in the 20+yrs before that. And it’s been great for us & we tease that she will also be the thing that keeps us spry, because man alive, she is a force to be reckoned with.
But for *me*, when speaking with young women & men about what *should* matter, I actually always address this very thing & the thing I tell them is totally opposite here…I tell them that in fact you should find your draw to that person so much deeper than the surface & if you engage with someone’s mind, the body will never matter. Age will surely change things, as will babies, health & sometimes unfortunate accidents. We cannnnnot rely on the physical to be what draws us. In my own family I have seen this among siblings & in laws, disease, accident, illness, cancer, has robbed people of any typical body appearance at times & certainly NOTHING makeup or clothing will make any big change to. You *have* do focus your romantic relationship on the intellect, not the body. The body will fail & change – the soul of a person is where the connection matters. It would in fact do us all a great service in humanity if all people were without sight – as I think they would in fact improve their qualities as a human being. Alas, what we need then is to attempt to not allow our sight to blind us to what actually matters in life & not get sucked into the worst parts of this culture. When I worked I dressed how I needed to in order to maintain my position & garner an advantage in my career – looking the part. Thankfully at home, I can look the part as long as I show up with love, kindness, and a sense of humor. No dress code required and those things take almost no prep time. 😉 They fit into my schedule no matter how many kids or how little sleep. LOL
Soooo – just thought I would offer another perspective. I tend to cringe when I hear to women referred to as frumpy – or really any discussion on the physicality of women. I think as sisters we need to encourage one another to move past this as a topic & focus on the works that we do in the lives of others rather than how we appear when we do them.
my ex boyfriend and i were in a relationship for a short time, when we were oovooing and skyping each other and we texted each other, so he called me a dog and we both eventually argued about a guy. i know it’s so immature, he should not be in a relationship with me, boy he told me that he’s so mature. that make no sense because we both argued about a guy, he played the childish games and he talked with these freaking immature boys ………….i had a right reason to break up with him. i prefer the mature one which i can be in a relationship with… but having a mature relationship with my partner and family is worth for it.