• To be stronger • To feel better • To trai • To be stronger
• To feel better 
• To train my mind to know that hard things are good things
• To set an example 
• For longevity
• To get out of the house 
• To start the day on the right foot
• To listen to good music for a little while
• To have productive alone time

I just wanted to list a few "Why"s in case you were having a hard time finding yours today. Goodness knows I struggle some days but usually one of these pulls through for me ❤️

@nakd.sport
It might be a couple years later, but we're doing It might be a couple years later, but we're doing the same old stuff still today ☺️❤️
My Valentines 💘 #happyvalentinesday❤️ My Valentines 💘

#happyvalentinesday❤️
How many kids did you say you wanted growing up an How many kids did you say you wanted growing up and how many do you have (or hope for) now? Growing up I used to say I wanted 6 kids 😭💀💀 Love these babes but let's just say I have a new perspective these days 😂
The best sandles are the ones you can paint your n The best sandles are the ones you can paint your nails in 5 minutes after you should have already left 😂💅

@naotfootwear is one of my favorite all time brands for many reasons, but one of the best is the fact that when you purchase any shoe from naot.com, the order is fulfilled by the closest independent retailer to you. How genius is that?? #shopsmall #naottogether #naotic
Ok well by the time I'm posting this our snow has Ok well by the time I'm posting this our snow has already melted but the kids woke up to the best surprise today! ❄️❄️
Healthy habits > motivation Yeh? This seamless se Healthy habits > motivation
Yeh?

This seamless set that moves everywhere you do is called The Braden by @nakd.sport 🖤
#ad I love to pack @lifeseasons Clinical Immunity #ad I love to pack @lifeseasons Clinical Immunity Elderberry Drink powder mix in my bag to have on the go. The elderberry drink has vitamin C, vitamin d, and zinc plus the power of 300 elderberries to help increase my immune cell production and activation. PSSST - it also is amazingly soothing as a hot drink in the evening to boost my immune system before going to sleep and allowing my body to recover overnight. Hit the link in my stories to grab a pack of @lifeseasons Clinical Immunity Elderberry Drink and gummies! Use code CHELSEA for 15% off!

#clinicalimmunity 
#lifeseasonspartner
@lifeseasons
I’ve talked about this before but never to its f I’ve talked about this before but never to its full extent. 

6ish years ago I was working full-time as a doctor’s assistant and coming home to an 8-month-old baby while Josh worked 12-hour shifts until midnight. I was so busy that I felt like I was losing my sense of identity. 

That year I decided to start my blog. I kept it a secret for a while because I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to think, “Who does she think she is? We’ve known her for years and she thinks she has something to say??”

But - I loved it! I wrote posts on everything! Random pizza recipes, how my run went that day, marriage, motherhood - I had absolutely no direction. But, I started sharing my blog and got a bunch of great feedback on my marriage and family posts. So, I decided to focus on that because that was, afterall, my favorite thing to write about anyway.

A few months later, I started pinning my posts on Pinterest and educating myself on what it meant to blog well, set up posts for good SEO, how to engage an audience, etc. I had a couple posts go viral on Pinterest and for a few months I had over 350,000 views on my blog/month.

Way late in the game, I started posting to Instagram in 2017. By then we had 2 babies and I had been working with brands for a while so I was able to quit my (at the time) part-time job to stay home with them which I was stoked about! 

Later that year, we packed up our stuff and moved to WA. The original plan was for Josh to find work and for me to continue blogging & be a SAHM. But, after several months later and finding it much harder for Josh to find work than we anticipated, I told him, "Hey, don't feel bad, I don't want you to feel pressure. I will look for work to take some of the pressure off."

So, I started applying for jobs in social media and content marketing. About a month into my search I made a profile on a job-matching platform called @scouted.io. A couple weeks later, I got an email from someone at Scouted saying that they were looking for someone to help with their content and they wanted to have a conversation. 

** Continued in comments **
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Marriage, Relationships · May 21, 2016

Handling Unmet Expectations in Marriage

 Handling Unmet Expectations in Marriage 1

If you had premarital counseling at one point, or have ever touched a marriage book before, you’ve probably heard at least 10,000 times already that you need to talk about expectations in your marriage. Well, they’re not kidding. The thing is, though, when I heard this before Josh and I got married, I kind of thought that working out expectations just meant creating a chore list and deciding who was going to take out the trash on Sunday nights (which we still haven’t seemed to figure out yet).

But, no. The longer Josh and I have been married, and the more we argue and disagree, the more I realize what expectations I did originally have for him that he never actually had for himself. And likewise of his expectations for me. My husband was raised by a stay at home mom (whom I have so much love and respect for). There was one day (probably more than one, let’s be honest) when I was completely fed up with all the hats I was wearing in my life. I was working full-time and raising an infant, and when I would get home from work, Joshua would still ask me “What’s for dinner?” every night around 5:00p.m. It was in moments like those where our expectations clashed. That- and my head wanted to explode! He assumed that since he didn’t know how to cook, and I did, that dinner was my responsibility. I assumed that since I was working (and coming home to a hungry infant) that he would automatically jump in and help with making dinners, without having to be asked.

I struggled with feelings of resentment and disappointment for a while, wondering how my husband could be so selfish. And then it dawned on me that the way he grew up, and the way I grew up, were quite different. I had a dad who enjoyed cooking and was usually home in time to do so, and would be happy to step in when my mom couldn’t cook dinner. Josh’s dad worked longer days and usually came home later to dinner already made or bought. Each way of life is perfect for their own family, but it raised my husband and I with our own expectations of responsibilities that we never even thought to communicate until we were already frustrated.

So, how can you prepare for unmet expectations in marriage?

I’m not going to make you try to list every expectation or responsibility you think you might have, and then make your husband/wife sign a contract legally binding them to clean your underwear at least once a week. What I will tell you to do is talk about the major things like money (when to save, when to spend), children (when and how many to have, and what you will and will not do to enforce rules and boundaries) etc. But also resolve in your hearts- and verbally to each other- that you will strive to give each other the benefit of the doubt (meaning that when they don’t jump in to make dinner when you’re busy, you won’t assume that they are extremely selfish and have no care for you and your needs) and tell them how their actions make you feel, and how it would be helpful and beneficial if they changed their actions.

Marriage has never been –  and never will be – 50/50

I mean, yeah, in a perfect world, marriage would totally be 50/50! Your husband would always do his part, and you would always do yours, and neither person would ever drop the ball, or be lazy, or forgetful, or selfish. But I don’t need to tell you that we don’t live in that kind of world. It is so important to resolve in your heart (before it becomes an issue) to do more than “your share” of the work, when necessary (and it will be necessary sooner or later). If I receive any complaints through comments or emails on Living the Sweet Wife, it is from wives and husbands who feel completely taken advantage of by their spouse because they are left with the brunt of all the house work and management. Many, if not all, of these people struggle with extreme resentment towards their spouse and are contemplating leaving (or have already left) to find someone who is less selfish. I want to remind these husbands and wives that God never favors divorce- but does allow it for a few specific reasons- none of which do anything to honor His name, even though they are allowed. One of those allowed reasons is not “In the case of selfishness.”

The other day, a reader told me this about her and her husband:

“I struggle with his constant negativity and often just feel like the maid. He is older than I and handicapped, but that doesn’t bother me. He is just never thankful for anything and that really annoys me. I’m open for suggestions! Thanks”

My response was this:

“I’m sorry you’re feeling that way recently. Have you had a chance to tell him how his negativity affects you? I think many times men can become used to a certain standard of living and the things we do become expected. That’s not to say that they’re awful people. But sometimes they need to be reminded that keeping a home and the other things we do take time and effort and a little thank you and occasional compliments and help go a long way!

If you’re feeling overwhelmed with everything you do around your home, do you have the ability to hire someone to help out with cleaning / errands? Even if it were a family member trying to earn a little money on the side.”

Remember, in cases where you feel your expectations may not be being met, try to decide if it really is a problem worth addressing. In my last post titled, “3 Things a New Wife Should Worry About,” I wrote down a few questions I try to ask myself before I confront my husband. Those questions are:

  • How big of a deal is this- really?
  • Are my emotions playing into my judgement?
  • Is this something I am guilty of also?
  • Is this a reasonable expectation for my husband?

When Josh and I were first married, I felt as though I needed to confront him with everything that bothered me, otherwise I would become a doormat and he would have no respect for me. But I soon found out that by not being careful to choose my battles with Josh, I was becoming extremely naggy and nit-picky and I constantly seemed unhappy! That started to feel like a real drag to Josh (poor guy). I realized then that I really don’t need to try so hard to fix him and mold him into a perfect, thoughtful husband. If he comes home and leaves the house a mess, it’s not necessarily because he doesn’t have any respect for me or never notices how I try to keep our home nice. It might actually be because he’s tired and isn’t thinking about his mess! He’s still processing his day at work, he’s saying hello to me, and he’s probably hungry. So this time, I clean the mess for him. No disrespect assumed.

That’s not to say that I will never bring up the things I would like him to change. In fact, I probably already have several times. But I need to remember that my priorities do not always have to be his priorities at the same time, and despite having different priorities at times, he really does still care about me!
When trying to choose between what actions need confrontation and what ones to let go, try praying about them first and decide whether that expectation is something that would allow your spouse to act more like Christ, or something that is a mere personal preference. Not that you can never bring those up, but consider those as much less important than something that could make your spouse into a person more like Christ.

script sig

In: Marriage, Relationships · Tagged: battles, chores, conflict, disappointment, engaged, expectations, fights, gender, husband, laundry, marriage, marriedlife, naggy, newlywed, premarital counseling, resentment, responsibilities, roles, trash, unmet expectatio, wife

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Comments

  1. Caley says

    May 21, 2016 at 4:40 pm

    This is probably the biggest deal before a wedding… I see so many marriages struggle through this in the first two years because serious issues or situations have never been discussed and it causes big problems!! Our premarital counselling really dug into expectations and different upbringings x

    Reply
  2. Tanya says

    May 21, 2016 at 11:33 pm

    When you love someone so deeply and affectionately, as you do when you are getting married, it’s always a great idea to remember that when your partner does something you don’t agree with, that they do love you and have a reason for it. Finding out all these little details and quirks really makes the relationship so much more deeper and stronger.

    Reply
  3. Lora says

    May 22, 2016 at 2:15 am

    When I am aggravated at my husband for not doing his fair share, I try to remind myself of all the times I’ve slacked off, or done something selfish… because we both definitely take a break sometimes. And that’s okay, we both need that at times. Which is why I love how you put it’s never actually 50/50, you should always expect to do more than 50 — because there will be days and sometimes long seasons where that is required. Marriage really does teach us about sacrifice and help us understand better the sacrifice Jesus made for us.

    Reply
  4. courtney says

    May 22, 2016 at 2:19 am

    This was really interesting to read, especially as I’m about to get married. I think my fiancé and I have a better understanding of how we balance expectations in our relationship because we have been living together for so long and we have already gone through all of those initial questions.

    La Belle Sirene c

    Reply
  5. Chel says

    May 23, 2016 at 1:02 am

    I know that my husband and I sometimes struggle with this. (Me more often than not.) This is some great advice given… and so true about a marriage will never be 50/50.

    Sometimes we (the wife) have to give more and others the husband has to. I adore that the most about my husband. I deal with depression and anxiety and sometimes – he just knows when he needs to pick up my slack or when to just let it go and not complain about how messy the house can be.

    Really loved your questions to ask before you bring something up with your hubs. I really need to remember these. Thanks!

    Reply
  6. LeighAnn says

    May 23, 2016 at 3:08 pm

    This is really great advice! I think we all struggle with the 50/50 situation. And I agree our priorities do not have to be the same as our husbands and we need to keep that in mind.

    Reply
  7. Anna says

    September 2, 2017 at 12:21 pm

    I totally agree with everything you said! I heard somewhere that marriage isn’t 50/50 because both sides must be giving 100%

    Reply

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Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.

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• To be stronger • To feel better • To trai • To be stronger
• To feel better 
• To train my mind to know that hard things are good things
• To set an example 
• For longevity
• To get out of the house 
• To start the day on the right foot
• To listen to good music for a little while
• To have productive alone time

I just wanted to list a few "Why"s in case you were having a hard time finding yours today. Goodness knows I struggle some days but usually one of these pulls through for me ❤️

@nakd.sport
It might be a couple years later, but we're doing It might be a couple years later, but we're doing the same old stuff still today ☺️❤️
My Valentines 💘 #happyvalentinesday❤️ My Valentines 💘

#happyvalentinesday❤️
How many kids did you say you wanted growing up an How many kids did you say you wanted growing up and how many do you have (or hope for) now? Growing up I used to say I wanted 6 kids 😭💀💀 Love these babes but let's just say I have a new perspective these days 😂

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• To be stronger • To feel better • To trai • To be stronger
• To feel better 
• To train my mind to know that hard things are good things
• To set an example 
• For longevity
• To get out of the house 
• To start the day on the right foot
• To listen to good music for a little while
• To have productive alone time

I just wanted to list a few "Why"s in case you were having a hard time finding yours today. Goodness knows I struggle some days but usually one of these pulls through for me ❤️

@nakd.sport
It might be a couple years later, but we're doing It might be a couple years later, but we're doing the same old stuff still today ☺️❤️
My Valentines 💘 #happyvalentinesday❤️ My Valentines 💘

#happyvalentinesday❤️
How many kids did you say you wanted growing up an How many kids did you say you wanted growing up and how many do you have (or hope for) now? Growing up I used to say I wanted 6 kids 😭💀💀 Love these babes but let's just say I have a new perspective these days 😂
The best sandles are the ones you can paint your n The best sandles are the ones you can paint your nails in 5 minutes after you should have already left 😂💅

@naotfootwear is one of my favorite all time brands for many reasons, but one of the best is the fact that when you purchase any shoe from naot.com, the order is fulfilled by the closest independent retailer to you. How genius is that?? #shopsmall #naottogether #naotic
Ok well by the time I'm posting this our snow has Ok well by the time I'm posting this our snow has already melted but the kids woke up to the best surprise today! ❄️❄️
Healthy habits > motivation Yeh? This seamless se Healthy habits > motivation
Yeh?

This seamless set that moves everywhere you do is called The Braden by @nakd.sport 🖤
#ad I love to pack @lifeseasons Clinical Immunity #ad I love to pack @lifeseasons Clinical Immunity Elderberry Drink powder mix in my bag to have on the go. The elderberry drink has vitamin C, vitamin d, and zinc plus the power of 300 elderberries to help increase my immune cell production and activation. PSSST - it also is amazingly soothing as a hot drink in the evening to boost my immune system before going to sleep and allowing my body to recover overnight. Hit the link in my stories to grab a pack of @lifeseasons Clinical Immunity Elderberry Drink and gummies! Use code CHELSEA for 15% off!

#clinicalimmunity 
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@lifeseasons
I’ve talked about this before but never to its f I’ve talked about this before but never to its full extent. 

6ish years ago I was working full-time as a doctor’s assistant and coming home to an 8-month-old baby while Josh worked 12-hour shifts until midnight. I was so busy that I felt like I was losing my sense of identity. 

That year I decided to start my blog. I kept it a secret for a while because I was embarrassed. I didn’t want anyone to think, “Who does she think she is? We’ve known her for years and she thinks she has something to say??”

But - I loved it! I wrote posts on everything! Random pizza recipes, how my run went that day, marriage, motherhood - I had absolutely no direction. But, I started sharing my blog and got a bunch of great feedback on my marriage and family posts. So, I decided to focus on that because that was, afterall, my favorite thing to write about anyway.

A few months later, I started pinning my posts on Pinterest and educating myself on what it meant to blog well, set up posts for good SEO, how to engage an audience, etc. I had a couple posts go viral on Pinterest and for a few months I had over 350,000 views on my blog/month.

Way late in the game, I started posting to Instagram in 2017. By then we had 2 babies and I had been working with brands for a while so I was able to quit my (at the time) part-time job to stay home with them which I was stoked about! 

Later that year, we packed up our stuff and moved to WA. The original plan was for Josh to find work and for me to continue blogging & be a SAHM. But, after several months later and finding it much harder for Josh to find work than we anticipated, I told him, "Hey, don't feel bad, I don't want you to feel pressure. I will look for work to take some of the pressure off."

So, I started applying for jobs in social media and content marketing. About a month into my search I made a profile on a job-matching platform called @scouted.io. A couple weeks later, I got an email from someone at Scouted saying that they were looking for someone to help with their content and they wanted to have a conversation. 

** Continued in comments **
Honest question: Do you spend any part of your day Honest question: Do you spend any part of your day feeling uncomfortable?

🤔 If no, why not?

🤔 If yes, why? What is it that you do to feel uncomfortable?

Putting ourselves in situations where we feel uncomfortable is so unnatural. The brain is WIRED to find the easiest way, the path of least resistance, to feel safe.

But if we let that go so long unchecked, we're likely to find ourselves in a comfortable routine where nothing changes and we begin to feel apathetic about our own progress and the world around us.

✖️ Choosing to not attend (and have a voice in) important meetings because it's easier to get a memo about it later.

 ✖️ Choosing not to get coffee with a person because it could get awkward if you don't know what to say.

✖️ Snoozing the alarm rather than waking up earlier to workout and make health a priority. 

✖️ Not approaching a homeless person with a bag of lunch because it's hard to look them in the eye when you have so much. 

✖️ Avoiding inviting a friend or family member into your home for an extended period of time so they can get back on their feet.

Being uncomfortable opens your eyes!! It's even scary sometimes. But it always leads to progress. It's impossible to grow without making yourself uncomfortable in some way.

What's something you've done recently that felt uncomfortable?

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