Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁 Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁
So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 Love my littlest niece, Eva ❤️
Let's hash something out together: what's somethin Let's hash something out together: what's something you do or used to fight about in your marriage/relationship regularly?

Do you feel like the issue is/was pretty cut and dry? 

Or was there an underlying issue that bubbled up in different ways?

Curious to know your thoughts. 

When Josh and I were first married, we fought a lot. We were pretty low-income, didn't have great jobs, and had a wee baby. While our fights were often about the grocery list, the real issue was that we were SCARED. 

Scared of the adult life we had just stepped into. It was kind of like jumping into a puddle you don't think is that deep until after it's too late and now your socks are completely drowning 🚣🏼‍♀️ 

Luckily, though, they dry off over time, don't they?

After lots of learning and working really hard (both at our jobs and relationship) things started to ease up. We started to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and even though we weren't there yet, it gave up hope to carry on together ❤️
Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. O Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. Or if you can't leave the house, sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine. Make time to talk. And make it easier by doing things together. It's so so important ❤️
Top knots over crop tops 😜 Top knots over crop tops 😜
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Life & Finances, Marriage, Relationships, Work · March 26, 2016

How to SPEAK UP and be CONFIDENT in relationships!

Do you ever get frustrated with yourself wondering how you get yourself into awkward and weird or difficult situations? It might be at work, with friends, family. And then you find yourself dreading having to that awkward or hard conversation?

How to be confident & speak your mind in relationships

Do you ever get frustrated with yourself wondering how you get yourself into awkward and weird or difficult situations? It might be at work, with friends, family. And then you find yourself dreading having to that awkward or hard conversation?

Today I wanted to talk to you all about the issue of being afraid to speak up. This isn’t just for the married folk, (although it can be super helpful for you guys, too!) but for relationships in general. If you want to get the background on my own transformation from being a timid introvert to a confident introvert, read this post I wrote a few months ago: How to be an Introvert AND Great with People.

It’s only as awkward as you make it

What I’ve seen wayyyy too many times is someone coming to me (both on the blog and in person) asking me how to handle their difficult or awkward situation. They will come to me, give me the lowdown, and then ask, “So what should I say to them?”

And then I ask, “Well… why don’t you tell them what you told me?”

The thing is, I think we tend to psych ourselves out way too much over the perfect words to say or the fact that the situation is awkward. Here are a couple tips on how to get through an awkward conversation:

  1. Admit the awkwardness. It’ll only be worse if you try to ignore it. Say something like, “So this might be awkward, but I really don’t want it to be.” Or, “I don’t know if this is weird, I don’t really think it is, but…”
  2. Play off the awkward. This might sound contradictory to my last point, but it’s not. Here’s why: Just as in my examples above, I admit the awkwardness, but I quickly move past it to get to the issue. Admitting to the awkwardness of the situation won’t magically make it go away. You’ll have to show that the weirdness doesn’t phase you, and you’re just trying to get to the bottom of the issue.
  3. Make the conversation short and sweet. And I mean that literally. Be sure to make your point, let the other person be heard, be kind, and then resolve the issue without dragging it out as best you can. A hugely easy way to get past awkward conversations is to quickly address the issue, don’t make it a big deal, be honest, and then moooove on!

Ask them what they’re thinking

Many times we can totally psyche ourselves out by just assuming the worst! Here’s a conversation I had at my work just yesterday:

My coworker/supervisor was telling me some changes she’d like to see around the office and how she’d looking to crack down on some office policies/what-have-you this spring. The old me would have thought, “Oh gosh, she’s implying that I’m totally failing at my job and she secretly hates me.” BUT the new me said “Ok great! Are there any areas that you think I could work on specifically?”

See instead of assuming that she thought I was failing at my job, I asked her what she thought I could do better. That way I know exactly what she’s thinking and what her expectations are. Not to mention it shows that I care about my job and want to do it well!


This doesn’t just apply to work, either!

I ask my husband the same question, and he asks me, too! We also ask, “How could I have done that better?” Knowing what someone is thinking and knowing their exact expectations takes so much anxiety out of tons of would-be difficult situations! It also shows that you care about the other person’s thoughts and expectations which says a lot about your character and honestly- it just makes you look good 🙂

This step can be kind of scary, because you’re making yourself vulnerable to criticism, but if your aim is to improve, and if you’re in a relationship that is safe, it can only be constructive! I’ve heard some answers before that have stung a little but, but looking back, hearing those answers have allowed me to improve as a person, wife, and employee! Lots of times you’ll receive good feedback too!

Be open from the beginning

Here’s one way to avoid step 1 altogether! Just like how knowing the other person’s expectations is important, it’s just as important that they know your expectations! Here’s an example of how this can go terribly wrong, although you can probably think of your own!

You get a new job. Your hours are set, 9-5 but it doesn’t take long for your boss to start asking you to stay late to work on projects around the office. At first you let it go, thinking you just got this job and you kinda just want to to what it takes to be well-liked, even if that means sucking up a little and staying late when you don’t have to. Eventually, giving you extra work at the end of the day becomes a habit and you become resentful towards your boss and you think, “This is not what I signed up for…”.

What you could have is, after the first time your boss asked you to work late, tell them that you want to work on the projects, but you have obligations at home and you really need to leave when the workday is over. If you find yourself too far gone and you’re in the point of resenting your boss and workplace, it’s time to have that awkward/not so awkward conversation in step 1.

Knowing that that person has a set standard of values/morals/expectations

This is important when it comes to confrontational situations. Argh those can be the hardest ones to deal with… I actually wrote a whole post on how to get the best out of confrontation here! Ideally, your goal in confrontation should be to bring a person back to an agreed upon set of morals/values/expectations. For Christians, we use the Bible and Christ’s life to set our expectations. Others will have their own set of morals and expectations. The things you’ll have to realize is, the confrontation will never work if their morals/values/expectations are not the same as the ones you’re holding them to. You first need to agree on your expectations, and when they wander away from those, then you can confront.

I can’t say enough how important is is to show that you care about the person you’re confronting. Showing them that you care will completely change the way the conversation goes. Also, it should be very clear that your motives are to help, rather than make a point. That being said, knowing that that person in your life is not living up to expectations can give a lot of confidence to say what needs to be said.

Here’s an example of how that can go in a personal relationship:

Your significant other comes home from work and is grumpy and frankly, kind of just being a butt from the get go. To address this, you can say something like, “Hey, maybe you had a hard day at work today, in which case I’m sure you might be stressed out, but it’s really not ok to come home and act like this. If you need some time alone that’s fine. Or if you want to talk about it, I’m here too. But let’s check the attitude at the door.” Maybe phrase that last part a little nicer. Up to you.

A key point is to not assume that the person you’re confronting is simply an awful person. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Ask yourself, or them, why they’re acting the way they’re acting. Knowing some background can make all the difference in how you react to someone’s bad attitude or hurtful actions. Once you’ve done that, be sure to follow through and address the problem. Don’t give excuses for why they’re acting the way they’re acting. Sadly, I see this in a lot of manipulative and/or abusive relationships. The partner will always find an excuse for their significant other’s actions. Instead, after you give them the benefit of the doubt and put their attitude into context, address the issue and remind them of the values and the standards you both agree on. Don’t be afraid to hold them to a standard and don’t lower the bar. Yes, forgive. Yes, be kind. But always look to restore and fix where they missed the mark.

Well, I hope this helps some of you awkward people like me out there! Let me know your anti-awkward advice in the comments below and share this post with an awkward friend!

script sig

How to SPEAK UP and be CONFIDENT in relationships

In: Life & Finances, Marriage, Relationships, Work · Tagged: awkward, brave, confidence, confident, confrontation, conversation, expectations, honest, listen, marriage, morals, Relationships, speak, speak up, Work

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Comments

  1. Melody says

    March 27, 2016 at 8:41 pm

    These are really great tips making my friend read this asap.
    http://sheismelrose.net/

    Reply
  2. Kristin says

    October 19, 2016 at 1:32 pm

    Great article, Chelsea! I wish people (myself included) would incorporate these into their daily decisions more often. It’s amazing how much smoother things go when you address awkward situations and conflicts this way.

    Reply
  3. Alyssa Nicole says

    November 26, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    This is so perfectly timed. My Fiance is not my favorite person right now because of some issues with communication and respecting my feelings – I’m the kind of person who is terrified of confronting him because I don’t want to fight but at the same time, I feel like going crazy when I can’t get the things I need from our relationship. I’m going to check out the confrontation link you had too. I’m hoping these will help me figure out how to best bring up everything with him. Your blog is amazing. <3

    Reply
  4. Dawn Vinson says

    December 29, 2016 at 2:38 pm

    I love this article! It is so empowering for people who HATE confrontation and have a hard time standing up for themselves. These are great strategies for all of our relationships.

    Reply
  5. Shimonkepha says

    September 1, 2017 at 5:37 am

    Great article.
    I love this. Thanks

    Reply

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Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.

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Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?

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Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growin Being a mom has always meant so much to me. Growing up, I thought it was pretty much all I was cut out to do, which ended up being false. But even though I've learned that I'm capable of so many other things, being a mom is still one of my highest aspirations. As we're getting our home ready for fostering, I can't help but think of how the little one(s) entering our home will feel but also how David and Evy will feel. How will they react if we parent slightly differently? Will they understand that we're working to build trust and connection or will they feel indignant? These are the things I pray about and also speak to the kids about in the days leading up. We're all excited but I have the feeling of heaviness that we don't and won't understand the burden until we're all already carrying it together.
Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over Doing my gosh darned best to manifest spring over here and I think it might be working 😉 Today the kids had TWOsday at school and they were so sweet. David wore a tie (I don't exactly get how it tirles in to Twosday but the kids were happy so..) and Evy "twinned" with a couple of sweet friends in her class. It's so sweet when you see your own kids building their own friendships. It just loosens a little piece of anxiety I've had about parenthood since David was still in my tummy. How did you spend your TWOsday??

Sandals @naotfootwear 💕
Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Jos Today was a sweet day. Woke up at 8:30 next to Josh in a quiet house - the kids slept over my parent's last night. Got up, raced to clean the kitchen as fast as I could while my coffee was brewing. The coffee won this time. 

I recorded a Reel while getting ready. Went to the place where we were going to meet my fam a bit early so Josh and I could get in a walk. Then we got coffee, went to a huge antique store (sadly left with nothing but took pictures of my faves so I can remember to come back) and went to lunch with the kids and my parents. Love easy-going and fun days like these 🖤
Back in the day,I was talking with someone about m Back in the day,I was talking with someone about marriage.Josh and I had been married for a few years at that point but this guy was still single. ..

He told me he was studying to get his masters in counseling and he wanted to be a marriage counselor one day.I thought "Hey that's pretty cool" but, curious,because,you know, he was single. 

Anyway, after we'd been talking a few minutes about our interest in helping married couples, he leaned in and said, "You know, I have this theory on marriage.." "Oh yeah?" I said (pretty curious to hear what theories this guy had for all of marriage for everyone everywhere). 

He said, "I believe that every single problem in marriage boils down to communication."

At the time, I didn't really know what to say. I'm more of a *reflector* and then I come up with what I wish I had said later.

Here's what I wish I had said: "Um. Yeah I don't think so. I mean sure, communication helps with a lot of issues. But what about selfishness,⠀addiction,⠀past hurt and trauma, etc? Communication will help people work through those issues but they're connected to much deeper issues that concern the heart--not just your communication skills."

We are all broken, very human, beings and when left to our own devices,⠀we don't have all the tools necessary to "fix" ourselves or our spouse's problems. We can talk until we're blue in the face but we just can't fix ourselves. 

What we do need, is to lean on the Creator who made all things good and makes all things new. To understand that we are not the main characters here. The whole world and everything in it points to Christ and His redeeming power. And yes, he often works that out through us and often through communication. But it's not communication that saves marriages. It's Jesus.

I was just thinking about that today and wanted to get it off my chest. What role do you think communication plays?
Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁 Merry Christmas from the Damons! 🎁
So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 So much joy in one photo! Ok, maybe 4 photos 😜 Love my littlest niece, Eva ❤️
Let's hash something out together: what's somethin Let's hash something out together: what's something you do or used to fight about in your marriage/relationship regularly?

Do you feel like the issue is/was pretty cut and dry? 

Or was there an underlying issue that bubbled up in different ways?

Curious to know your thoughts. 

When Josh and I were first married, we fought a lot. We were pretty low-income, didn't have great jobs, and had a wee baby. While our fights were often about the grocery list, the real issue was that we were SCARED. 

Scared of the adult life we had just stepped into. It was kind of like jumping into a puddle you don't think is that deep until after it's too late and now your socks are completely drowning 🚣🏼‍♀️ 

Luckily, though, they dry off over time, don't they?

After lots of learning and working really hard (both at our jobs and relationship) things started to ease up. We started to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel and even though we weren't there yet, it gave up hope to carry on together ❤️
Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. O Go on a walk with your spouse before Netflixing. Or if you can't leave the house, sit in the kitchen with a glass of wine. Make time to talk. And make it easier by doing things together. It's so so important ❤️
Top knots over crop tops 😜 Top knots over crop tops 😜
Josh and I have been doing a lot of reading on par Josh and I have been doing a lot of reading on parenting recently and I love so many of the lessons we've been learning on creating structure while also being empathetic to your child's needs. 

One of the concepts that's stuck with me is how we should "sandwich" our criticism or corrections with positive things. Kids can get discouraged pretty easily but we can help make sure they feel reassured and loved by complimenting them and noticing & verbalizing their growth as well. 

So for example, saying, "I'm very proud of you for putting away your toys. I want you to work on not bossing around your sister - I'll be the parent in charge. Ok? But the way you put your clothes in your drawers was great!"

Idk about you but I would love if other adults sandwiched their criticism too 😂

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