When you were younger, did you ever read love quotes that went something along the lines of this:
I think that many times, we grow up thinking that there is one perfect person out there for us. So many people believe that, in fact, that I wrote a post on it here. Instead, I believe the person we marry becomes the one once we marry them; therefore, leaving us without an excuse when our marriage begins to not jive the way it used to when we were younger and happier. We don’t have the thought lurking around our minds that “the one” is still out there somewhere and we sadly missed our chance. Instead, your chance is sitting right in front of you and waiting for you to take it, nurture it, give it some tough love, and stick with it.
BUT that’s not exactly what this post is about.
Today I’m going to be talking about why my husband is not my everything. And he does not complete me.
Along with the thought that there is the perfect “one” out there for you, lies the notion that he, in fact, perfects you. In the back of your mind you know you’re not perfect. You also can admit that, yeah, your significant other isn’t perfect all the time either. You both make mistakes, right? But- mistakes included, your flaws and strengths are what make you perfect for each other!
Until you get married. And then they don’t.
The sad thing is, on many a young woman’s wedding day is the thought that she couldn’t be happier with the man she’s about to say her vows to. Sad? That’s not sad…. Ok. you’re right. That’s not what’s sad. What’s sad is the assumption that she is still going to feel the same way a year from those vows. Or 5 years, or 10 years.
Not to burst your bubble or anything…
… but those cute, annoying habits he has now that you don’t really notice, will (or probably have) become the outward effects of a character trait that drives you up the freaking wall. And while it’s not a sad thing to feel extremely happy, blessed, and optimistic about your future on your wedding day, I cannot say enough about the value of having a somber and realistic view of that man across from you. The man you choose to marry (or chose to marry) will let you down one day. He will do something that hurts you. And it probably won’t happen just once. Knowing this, we have decisions to make.
Some of the best marriage advice:
One of the best pieced of marriage advice I ever got was this: Decide now (before you’re married) what it would take to break you and your husband up. What would he have to do in order for you to leave him? (And then take a look at his character and see if he is the type of person who would run away from the temptations to do those things).
That doesn’t mean he’s doomed to be a horrible person
I love my husband so much. Seriously. When we got married, I knew some of his flaws. It’s not like he had never hurt me or offended me or annoyed me before that point. But for some reason, wanting to marry him made a lot of the things he did really, really forgivable. I’ve always been a sucker for apologies too. Several years later, I find that it’s not so easy to forgive the hurt. Because it’s not the first time, and I know it’s probably not the last. What’s really easy is holding on to my resentment, self-righteous attitude, and pain in order for me to feel better about my own unforgiveness. Because, I think you know, forgiveness is really really hard. Really hard. Because it means you’re not getting justice. And as humans, we crave justice. Forgiveness is never something we really feel like doing. Forgiveness is something we feel like kicking out the door and running away from. But the truth is, a marriage will never ever work if the husband and wife do not learn how to forgive and make the decision to forgive before it’s necessary.
Tweet ThisYou decide how you will act, before you have to.
I mean, hopefully everything works out fine. In some marriages, it does. But in reality, marriages don’t just “work out.” Marriages take a lot of sweat and tears sometimes. Sometimes your marriage will make you feel sucky. Just being honest. But if both you and your husband are committed to making it work and willing to self-sacrifice and forgive, then yeah, it’ll work out just fine. Marriages, although hard sometimes, really don’t have to be difficult. They just take the mutual understanding that neither of you is going to quit, neither of you will ever be perfect, and both of you are going to need to be forgiven, many times.
The oxymoron of knowing that your spouse doesn’t complete you
Knowing that your husband does not and will never complete you is actually a pretty freeing thought to apprehend.
A man is a man, he cannot be everything.
Elyse
Spot on! I couldn’t have said it better myself!
Blossom
Really feeling the last quote: A man is a man; he cannot be everything. I’m not one to put my man on a pedestal, but I do cherish the amount of energy and commitment he gives me. Nonetheless, this is very sound advice. It’s a reality check because everything isn’t always going to be perfect.
Chelsea
Thanks Blossom! It’s really hard to come to the point where we might need to reevaluate our expectations for out husbands but sometimes it’s really necessary in order to have peace. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Christy F
This is what I needed to read today, thank you! Last night my boyfriend and I finished moving everything into our apartment. This is the first time either of us have lived with a significant other. I grew up in a strict Christian family so I know it is a big no no to live with someone before marriage, but he was raised differently and sees it as being the next step before marriage. We decided to compromise on it with the promise of marriage in the end- I told him that I’m not going to a couple who gets comfortable and lives with each other for 4 plus years without marriage. Anyways now that we are more serious it almost seems like we are married. I’m already beginning to see certain habits that might annoy me down the road so this was a great read and gave me some good perspective. I really appreciate you sharing the best marriage advice. I really think that is important especially with our society today. It seems like a lot of couples focus on all the little meaningless things that bug them about their significant other/spouse which ends up ruining the relationship/marriage, but I think it is important to focus on a huge thing that would literally make it or break it, to help put those little things behind in perspective. Usually we forget those annoyances in a few days/ months depending on how much they mean to us. I agree with you on how forgiveness is hard but in all honesty.. In the end I thing it is almost easier to forgive then hold onto the grudge and stay mad at them. I often get in that mad and grudge mode and find myself being exhausted afterwards thinking of other annoyances that happened in the past… sometimes I even forget the actual thing that triggered it! I’m trying to do better about avoiding in getting into that mode, forgiveness is key on both ends.
Chelsea
SO true, holding grudges can be exhausting. I’ve found myself holding grudges when I didn’t even want to anymore! But my pride was making me hold on. That’s when relationships get really tough. Glad you’ve been able to work though those things in your relationship!
Chels
Brittany Putman
So true! If we rely on our husbands for everything then we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. This is definitely something we should think about.
Travel Pockets
Definitely things to think about for people who are planning on marriage.
Maryann
The sentence that hit home was ” forgiveness is hard because it means your not getting justice”. Unless both forgive and commit to making it work it won’t. My husband of eighteen years just decided to quit.
You are so right you cannot talk to a wall.
Chelsea
I’m so sorry to hear that, Maryann. My heart hurts for you. Forgiveness is so hard. We just need to remember that Christ will take care of the justice for us and in the meantime, we can draw strength, resilience, and forgiveness from Him. Thank you for reading and taking the time to share!
Angie - WhippedGreenGirl
Whoa- I might not have the same story but I related to this post on so many levels. I recently left (the man who I planned on marrying) after almost 9yrs. It was awakening, empowering and the best decision in my life. I always wanted him to be something he wasn’t – if I had married him, I never would have been truly happy (but rather settling…) I’m engaged today to my best friend – sure I’m 34yrs old & saw all my friends marry years back… But I know my decision was the right one for me. Thanks for sharing something so personal- I appreciated it all
Shahen
I’ve been married for 8 years now and this was the best marriage advice I’ve heard SINCE. Thanks.